A bit of hu­mor for starters

Record Observer - - Opinion - Dan Tabler

This ap­peared in the lat­est is­sue of the AARP Bul­letin on their Last Laugh Page:

Q. — What do you call a line of rab­bits walk­ing backwards? A. — A re­ced­ing hare line. Okay, maybe that’s only one of those “se­nior” jokes that my younger read­ers would not find funny.

••• KEEP SMIL­ING There is not a whole lot of clip­pings and scrib­bled notes on this desk for a col­umn, so let me quote a piece that ap­peared in the col­umn some years ago, that I called “A Thought for the Week.” I am not sure how many years that was, but it had to be quite a few as I men­tion in it that there were 200 mil­lion peo­ple in the coun­try and I be­lieve we have over 300 mil­lion now. Any­way, it went like this:

“One of my read­ers sent me this very cute item which we would like to share with you this week: I AM TIRED. Yes, I am tired. For sev­eral years I’ve been blam­ing it on mid­dle age, iron-poor blood, lack of vi­ta­mins, air pol­lu­tion, sac­cha­rin, obe­sity, di­et­ing, un­der­arm odor. You won­der if life is re­ally worth liv­ing. But now I find out, ‘taint that! I’m tired be­cause I’m over­worked. AND here’s why:

The pop­u­la­tion of this coun­try is 200 mil­lion. Eighty-four mil­lion are re­tired. That leaves 116 mil­lion to do the work.

There are 75 mil­lion in school. Which leaves 41 mil­lion to do the work.

OF this to­tal, there are 22 mil­lion em­ployed by the fed­eral govern­ment. That leaves 19 mil­lion to do the work.

Four mil­lion are in the armed forces, which leaves 15 mil­lion to do the work.

Take from that the 14,800,000 peo­ple who work for state and city gov­ern­ments and that leaves 200,000 to do the work.

There are 188,000 in hos­pi­tals, so that leaves 12,000 to do the work.

Now there are 11,998 peo­ple in pris­ons. That leaves just two peo­ple to do the work. You and me. And you’re sit­ting there read­ing this! No won­der I’m tired!” As you may no­tice by some of those num­bers, this had to have been a clip­ping from a good many years ago. But I hope you en­joyed it.

••• DAD LIKED THIS ONE I kept a small 6-ring binder from Dad’s desk af­ter he died. It is filled with clip­pings that he cut out and pasted in the pages. Quite a few of the pages he typed him­self of items he found in­ter­est­ing. I hope you will like this one which was on the back of his notebook: TO SUC­CEED ”To laugh of­ten and much; to win the re­spect of in­tel­li­gent peo­ple and the af­fec­tion of chil­dren; to earn the ap­pre­ci­a­tion of hon­est crit­ics and en­dure the be­trayal of false friends; to ap­pre­ci­ate beauty; to find the best in oth­ers; to leave the world a bit bet­ter whether by a healthy chil­dren, a gar­den patch, or a re­deemed so­cial con­di­tion; to know even one life has breathed eas­ier be­cause you have lived. This is to have suc­ceeded.”

••• CLEVER COMMERICAL When watch­ing tele­vi­sion, I go get a beer or some ice cream, dur­ing the com­mer­cials. But Ruth told me to watch one the other day dur­ing the ball game. And she was right. It was very clever.

It is done by South­west Air­lines and has peo­ple toss­ing a huge beach ball into the air and then it is bounced around on the parked air­craft.

Be­lieve me, most TV com­mer­cials can be quite stupid, but I take my hat off to South­west for this one.

••• BEARDED BASE­BALL PLAY­ERS While we are talk­ing base­ball, I want to say that I am glad the Ori­oles must have a fa­cial hair pol­icy.

You see so many of the teams now that the play­ers are grow­ing beards. And I mean full beards. Don’t un­der­stand why a 20-plusyear player would want to look so much older as a beard makes him look. Any­way, I thank the Ori­ole team for look­ing like young men.

••• TOO MUCH MONEY! I’m sure there will be more in the sports pages about this one, but did you see where Von Miller of the Denver Bron­cos re­jected a con­tract that would have paid him $114.5 mil­lion over six years, in­clud­ing al­most $40 mil­lion guar­an­teed in the first two years? The man would be mak­ing more money in two years than most peo­ple would ever make in their en­tire life­time!

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