A mys­tery of mur­der­ous dis­tor­tions

Record Observer - - Religion -

I do not want to alarm any­one — I’m not wound that tight — but there is a de­vi­ous con­spir­acy in our coun­try. A ca­bal of mur­der­ous dis­tor­tions.

To be quite hon­est about all this, I was not the first to no­tice this con­spir­acy. In fact, it is quite un­usual for me to no­tice any­thing first. As all hus­bands know, the hus­band is the last to know ... any­thing.

It was the Gra­cious Mis­tress of the Par­son­age who first be­come aware of this con­spir­acy and brought it to my at­ten­tion. I like to give credit where credit is due, un­like some banks I know of, or who know me.

This is not the first time some­thing like this has hap­pened. Don’t ask me how she does it, for I do not know. I just wish I knew her se­cret. My wife is the first to no­tice ev­ery­thing.

Let me give a few ex­am­ples so you know what I mean. My wife was the first one to no­tice that we were go­ing to­gether as a cou­ple. She was the first to no­tice that we were en­gaged to be mar­ried. And, she was the first to know that we were get­ting mar­ried and when.

If it was not for her acute sense of ob­ser­va­tion, I would never have no­ticed any of those things, and be­lieve me, it is im­por­tant to no­tice those things. If you don’t think so, for­get just one some­time. Back to the con­spir­acy. Sev­eral weeks ago, my wife and I took a few days off and stole away to the ro­man­tic town of St. Au­gus­tine for some R&R&R, (Rest, Re­lax­ation and Read­ing) the three most im­por­tant pur­suits of mankind.

I like St. Au­gus­tine be­cause it is the only thing I know older than most of my neck­ties.

I re­mem­ber what my good friend and spir­i­tual men­tor, the Rev­erend Frank Sim­mons used to say, “Ei­ther come apart and rest awhile or you will sim­ply come apart.”

And, as one who has come apart sev­eral times, I know it to be true. There­fore, my wife and I, just be­fore “com­ing apart,” take off and get outta Dodge.

One af­ter­noon in St. Au­gus­tine, we de­cided to take in the lo­cal mall. I say “we” only in the loos­est sense of the word. Per­son­ally, I would rather hit my thumb with a ham­mer than spend an af­ter­noon at the mall.

When you are as hap­pily mar­ried as I am (knock on wood), there are those lit­tle sac­ri­fices that must be made. That’s just the kind of hus­band I am.

I know what you’re think­ing. But it has noth­ing to do with any al­leged reper­cus­sions if I don’t. Okay, maybe “noth­ing” is a lit­tle strong in this case.

The fact of the mat­ter is, I joy­fully ac­com­pa­nied my wife to the mall. About half­way through our af­ter­noon at the mall, we sat down in a small cof­fee shop to en­joy a cup of Joe to­gether.

Noth­ing re­laxes me more than spend­ing $6 for a 59-cent cup of cof­fee.

It was while we were en­joy­ing our cof­fee that my as­tute wife made an ob­ser­va­tion.

Ac­tu­ally, it struck me out of left field, if I can be hon­est about it. I was too busy grum­bling about the cost of the cof­fee to re­ally take no­tice of what was hap­pen­ing around me at the time.

“Look at those peo­ple,” my wife whis­pered con­fi­den­tially to me. “Look at how they are dressed.”

Frankly, I did not know what in the world she was re­fer­ring to but I looked in the di­rec­tion she was in­di­cat­ing.

When it comes to fash­ion, I don’t make a state­ment. My idea of fash­ion rests on two sim­ple facts. Does it fit and can I af­ford it?

I’m a rather happy-go-lucky kind of guy when it comes to cloth­ing. Where in the Con­sti­tu­tion of the United States does it say that a per­son has to wear match­ing socks?

How­ever, women, wives in par­tic­u­lar, have a dif­fer­ent sense about all this.

“Why would any­one,” she con­tin­ued, ig­nor­ing my bliss­ful ig­no­rance on the sub­ject, “leave their home dressed like that?”

Of course, I had not the faintest idea what was caus­ing her so much dis­tress. She then pointed out some­thing I never thought of be­fore.

Peo­ple were dressed in the worst pos­si­ble fash­ion, ac­cord­ing to her: plaids with stripes; clothes so tight you could see their blood pul­sat­ing through their veins.

How peo­ple get into such clothes is be­yond me. My only con­clu­sion is, that they are born in those clothes.

Per­haps the big­gest ques­tion I might have is, how in the world do they ever get out of their clothes at night?

And then the hair. I never took no­tice be­fore, but as my wife pointed out to me, some peo­ple have re­ally bad hair­dos.

Just as she pointed this out to me, in walked a per­son — male or fe­male, I don’t know — with their hair greased up in points. Each point was a dif­fer­ent color.

The only blue hair I had seen was Aunt Erma’s back in Penn­syl­va­nia.

“You would think,” my wife com­mented, “that th­ese peo­ple did not have mir­rors in their homes.”

Then it struck me. I think my wife has hit upon some­thing rather sin­is­ter. I’m only hop­ing it is not the work of some ter­ror­ist group, al­though there is a cer­tain amount of ter­ror in the thought.

Based on the ev­i­dence at hand, I must con­clude that some­one, or some group of peo­ple, have been steal­ing mir­rors from the homes of un­sus­pect­ing peo­ple.

The ev­i­dence is too over­whelm­ing to ig­nore. If peo­ple had mir­rors in their homes they never would leave home with­out look­ing at them­selves.

Re­flect­ing on this I was re­minded of some­thing I had read in the Bi­ble.

“For if any be a hearer of the word, and not a doer, he is like unto a man be­hold­ing his nat­u­ral face in a glass: For he be­hold­eth him­self, and goeth his way, and straight­way for­get­teth what man­ner of man he was” (James 1:23-24).

Be­ing happy with your­self on the in­side is much bet­ter than be­ing happy with your­self on the out­side.

Dr. James L. Sny­der is pas­tor of the Fam­ily of God Fel­low­ship, 1471 Pine Road, Ocala, FL 34472. He lives with his wife in Sil­ver Springs Shores. Call him at 352-687-4240 or email jamess­ny­der2@att.net. The church web­site is www.whatafel­low­ship.com.

PONDTOWN — Boardly Chapel AME Church will hold a Women’s Con­fer­ence at 11 a.m. June 3 at Price Com­mu­nity Cen­ter, Price. The guest speaker will be Pas­tor Lynn Franklin.

STEVENSVILLE — Soul Searchers, a youth choir from An­napo­lis, presents its 2017 con­tem­po­rary, Chris­tian mu­si­cal drama, “Res­cue 101,” at 11 a.m. Sun­day, June 4, at Safe Har­bor Pres­by­te­rian Church in Stevensville. Ad­mis­sion is free. Ap­pro­pri­ate for all ages.

GRASONVILLE — Wye Bi­ble Church will host “Ad­ven­tures on Prom­ise Is­land” Va­ca­tion Bi­ble School from 6 to 8 p.m. June 19 through June 23 for kids 4 to 12 years old. The clos­ing cer­e­mony will be held at 10:30 a.m. June 25 at Con­quest Beach in Cen­tre­ville.

Reg­is­ter at www.wye­bible church.com/min­istrie/vbs2017-ad­ven­tures-promi­seis­land/.

Visit www.wye­biblechurch. com for more de­tails or call 410-827-6650.

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