An unconditional squirrel surrender
I have defeated the squirrels. That is to say that I’ve reached a negotiated settlement. Meaning I offered them my unconditional surrender. I did this by removing the bird feeder from my yard. The squirrels had zeroed in on the bird feeder like Mother Teresa zeroing in on a leper child.
I didn’t want them around my house since they can eat through wood, wiring, copper piping and anything else that gets in their way. They seem content now to eat mulberries in the back yard which is away from the house.
I’m not alone in my loathing for these tree rats. I’ve been offered many suggestions as to how to get rid of them. Many people thought trapping them was a good idea but I figured I’d just be transferring the problem to someone else. Mrs. Payne in Easton suggested I get a hawk to terrorize them. She included a picture of a hawk feasting on a squirrel. I don’t think the birds would appreciate having a hawk hanging around.
Basil Harrison suggested shooting them and quite gleefully told me the number he’d bagged. Unfortunately I live in town where it’s technically illegal to shoot them. Also, I had one only ten feet away from me in the sights of my Daisy BB gun and missed him by three feet. I did put a hole in my fence, though.
A correspondent from England writes that the gray squirrels have overwhelmed the local population of red squirrels, which are apparently much beloved in England. The gray squirrels were introduced to England by American GI’s during the Second World War. And while the British are generally happy with our efforts on their behalf during that conflagration, they’re beginning to have second thoughts. This may be behind their new anti-immigration stance and their exit from the European Union.
More disturbing than all of this is the news from Detroit that a woman trained squirrels to attack her ex-boyfriend.
Forty-five-year-old Janice Smith was arrested by Detroit Police for allegedly trapping numerous squirrel and training them to attack her exboyfriend. The victim, James Robinson, says he was attacked by the squirrels on more than a dozen occasion over the last month. (why did he keep going back?) The attacks caused him to lose two fingers and one testicle. Mr. Robinson had no idea why the rodents were attacking him until he noticed one day Ms. Smith cheering them on. He said, “She was partially hidden behind some bushes, but I could clearly see her and hear her. She was yelling orders at the squirrels and ordering them to attack me.”
He called the police and in Ms. Smith’s residence they found a dozen cages containing 27 squirrels. They also found two training dummies with Mr. Robinson’s picture taped over the faces.
Detroit Police Chief James Craig said, “Ms. Smith confessed to capturing and training squirrels to harass and attack her ex-boyfriend. She used to train lions for a circus, so it was easy for her to make animals do as she wanted. She said she hoped to raise an army of up to 50 or 100 animals.”
Ms. Smith is facing up to 65 years in prison. No determination has yet been made as to what to do about the trained killer squirrel army.
Be very careful out there.