What we want to hear in Obama’s fi­nal speech

Red Eye Chicago - - The Chatter - Liz Kozak

Saved By The Max, Bey­oncé’s For­ma­tion World Tour, “Hamilton” and even the World Se­ries were all noth­ing com­pared with the brand-new hottest ticket in town—“One Night Only: Obama Out.”

The pres­i­dent is set to de­liver his farewell ad­dress to Amer­ica right here in Chicago this Tues­day night, and al­though the White House’s of­fi­cial web­site states that “the attire for the event is ca­sual,” it’s a safe bet that there will be noth­ing low-key about the Obama-bombs he’ll drop on us.

Here are five things we’re all hop­ing to hear him say in the most epic breakup speech ever.

‘Ev­ery­body gets a car!’

There’s gotta be some left­overs from the Auto Show lay­ing around McCormick Place some­where, right? They can take away our Oba­macare, but they can’t take away our brand-new 2017 Subarus.

‘I’ll be bah­h­h­h­h­h­hck.’

Don­ald Trump’s re­place­ment on “The New Celebrity Ap­pren­tice” is re­hash­ing an old catch­phrase in the board­room, but no­body wants to lis­ten to the for­mer gover­nor of Cal­i­for­nia say “You’re ter­mi­nated” week af­ter week. There’s only one Arnold Sch­warzeneg­ger quote we want to hear, and only one per­son who could make ev­ery­thing all bet­ter with just three lit­tle syl­la­bles.

‘I look for­ward to im­me­di­ately break­ing ground on The Obama Pres­i­den­tial Li­brary, in­clud­ing the Joe Bi­den Meme Wing.’

Obama: We’re giv­ing you a wing, Joe … Bi­den: I can fly. Obama: It’s not that kind of wing. Bi­den: Whoosh.

‘Make sure you check out my new YouTube chan­nel.’

OK, so there’s been a lot of fuss about how in­ap­pro­pri­ate it is for a pres­i­dent to com­mu­ni­cate with the coun­try via so­cial me­dia. But come on. Videos of Barry’s smooth pipes croon­ing ev­ery­thing from Al Green to slow­jam­ming the news made our day, and we’re ready to sub­scribe.

‘Please join me on my new moon colony, Michelleville.’

300 mil­lion one-way tick­ets, please.

Barack Obama speaks at his elec­tion night rally at Grant Park in 2008. GETTY IMAGES FILE

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