How women can cel­e­brate (Not My) Pres­i­dent’s Day

Red Eye Chicago - - Comedy - Stacey Smith

Hol­i­days are fun, aren’t they? They’re op­por­tu­ni­ties to eat cake, jus­tify your “whiskey is­sues” and cre­ate Pin­ter­est projects you found when you were high. If you’re suf­fer­ing from the postValen­tine’s Day blues, don’t fret. Pres­i­dents Day is right around the cor­ner, and thanks to He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named, there’s a new twist this year.

(Not My) Pres­i­dent’s Day cel­e­bra­tions are be­ing planned across the coun­try—and you’re go­ing to want in on the ac­tion.

1. Uniron­i­cally shout, “Thanks, Obama!”: It won’t change who’s cur­rently oc­cu­py­ing the Oval Of­fice, but it will feel very lib­er­at­ing. This is your (NM) Pres­i­dent’s Day, so send Barack a Groupon for kitesurf­ing. 2. Wear your Thinx undies re­gard­less of whether or not you’re men­stru­at­ing or even have a uterus: The past month has proven that in 2017, any­thing can hap­pen. You should al­ways be pre­pared for blood­shed. It’s just like Thomas Jef­fer­son said: “The tree of lib­erty must be re­freshed from time to time with the blood of pa­tri­ots and nasty women.”

3. Make a vi­sion board of the Amer­ica you’d like to see in the near fu­ture: Mine will mostly con­sist of photos of men rid­ing pub­lic tran­sit with their legs closed and that stone cold fox, POTUS 14 Franklin Pierce. But you live your own per­sonal dreams!

4. Find any­thing you can vote for and vote: It doesn’t mat­ter if it’s po­lit­i­cal or not. Take some on­line quizzes. Vote for potato chip fla­vors. It doesn’t mat­ter; just cast some bal­lots. Who knows when our vot­ing rights are go­ing to get re­voked?

5. Bust out those gel pens from 1998: Cover your body head to toe in sparkly mes­sages

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