Com­ments about thin­ness

Ripon Bulletin - - Comics - An­nie Lane

Dear An­nie: Why do peo­ple think it is OK to say rude things to very thin peo­ple? Ac­quain­tances and friends say such things to me all the time: “You are so skinny! You need to gain weight.” Would they tell a heavy per­son that she needs to lose weight be­cause she is so fat? I don’t think so!

I have al­ways had a prob­lem keep­ing weight on, ex­cept for a few years in my mid­dle age. Now I have a heart con­di­tion and Type 2 di­a­betes, and I re­ally have to watch what I eat. It is a real strug­gle try­ing to keep from be­ing painfully thin. I’m get­ting the same com­ments all over again. They are cruel, hurt­ful and very dis­cour­ag­ing. Why is it OK to in­sult thin peo­ple but not fat peo­ple? -- Dis­cour­aged in KY

Dear Dis­cour­aged: So­ci­etal bias in fa­vor of thin­ness leads many to think it’s fine to tell peo­ple that they’re too thin. But it re­ally isn’t. The next time some­one makes such a com­ment, feel free to re­ply, “That’s be­tween me and my doc­tor.” Leave it at that. Also, try your best not to take it too per­son­ally. In my ex­pe­ri­ence, any­one who makes flip­pant com­ments about an­other per­son’s body is most likely un­happy with his or her own.

Dear An­nie: I have been mar­ried for 30 years. The prob­lem is my hus­band and his porn. He some­what ad­mits he has a prob­lem with it but will not stop and re­fuses to go to coun­sel­ing. I have done a lit­tle re­search and found that he prob­a­bly won’t stop with­out coun­sel­ing. I have to ei­ther ignore it or get a di­vorce, which I don’t want.

Now all I do is stress over the fact that all he wants to do is look at these women who are half my age. How can he want me when all he does is look at these girls with the “per­fect” body?

Re­cently, he let slip that he has been look­ing at dat­ing sites that have per­sonal ads. He states that he only reads them for fun. I think this is such a red flag. See­ing as how he lies about the porn, how do I trust him not to lie about ev­ery­thing else? Now I stress out ev­ery time he’s on his phone, won­der­ing what he’s look­ing at. He’s on it as soon as I leave the room. It is all just a big turnoff for me. What can I do? -- Just Stressed Out

Dear Stressed Out: Your hus­band’s ad­dic­tion to pornog­ra­phy is about him, not you. So don’t take it as a re­flec­tion of any in­ad­e­quacy on your part. You can’t con­trol his use of porn any more than some­one can con­trol the drink­ing of a spouse who has al­co­holism. But you can, and should, ex­press how you’re feel­ing -- hurt, ne­glected and con­cerned for him and your mar­riage. You can also ask him why he’s so re­sis­tant to coun­sel­ing, and see whether you can’t help him work past those blocks. At the end of the day, though, he is the one who must de­cide he wants help. Un­til that point, I sug­gest you see a coun­selor on your own to help you cope with the stress you’re ex­pe­ri­enc­ing.

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