Abu­sive hus­band wants wife to come back home

San Francisco Chronicle - - DATEBOOK - By Jeanne Phillips Write to Dear Abby at P.O. Box 69440, Los An­ge­les, CA 90069 or www.dearabby.com.

Dear Abby: In the be­gin­ning of our mar­riage there was phys­i­cal abuse and mar­i­tal rape. I stayed any­way. Over the years we had two chil­dren. My hus­band, “Seth,” has re­fused to talk about any is­sues we have. Dur­ing the last few years, my youngest son has also be­come phys­i­cally abu­sive to me. I tried to leave many times but failed un­til a year ago when, be­cause I had a heart at­tack, I moved in with fam­ily.

Seth now wants to talk about our is­sues. He sug­gested that I come back home. He has med­i­cal prob­lems, so I was tak­ing care of all the household chores and work­ing two jobs. I no longer love my hus­band. He wants to ro­mance me and try to make me love him again. He feels I “owe” him a chance to prove that he loves me and can change. Am I wrong for leav­ing and let­ting go? I’m con­fused. Let­ting Go in Florida

Dear Let­ting Go: You owe this man noth­ing! If you al­low Seth to ro­mance you into com­ing back to take care of him, you will wind up where you started. Your son abuses you be­cause that is what he saw his fa­ther do­ing — and you al­lowed it. If you stand your ground now, it will show that abuse is not to be tol­er­ated. I hope you will teach him that les­son.

Dear Abby: Four months ago my wife started wear­ing more makeup, per­fume and try­ing new things with her hair. Re­cently, I found out that some­one has been flirt­ing with her. Our sex life has de­creased over the last few months. She barely speaks to me and spends most of her time on Face­book. She re­fuses to dis­cuss our re­la­tion­ship, and I sus­pect she may be look­ing for some­one new or has al­ready found him. I just don’t get it. I love her. We have been mar­ried for nine years. Please help me to un­der­stand. Feel­ing Lonely

Dear Feel­ing Lonely: Your wife may not want to dis­cuss your re­la­tion­ship, but some­times it’s the things peo­ple least want to talk about that most need to be. Tell your wife you have no­ticed the changes in her be­hav­ior and in your level of in­ti­macy. Tell her you love her and feel your mar­riage is threat­ened. If she still doesn’t want to dis­cuss your re­la­tion­ship, tell her it’s time you go see a ther­a­pist to­gether. If she doesn’t agree, then get some coun­sel­ing with­out her.

Dear Abby: Do you field more ques­tions from un­mar­ried cou­ples liv­ing to­gether than from mar­ried cou­ples? I can only judge from what is printed. Inquisitive in Virginia

Dear Inquisitive: That’s an in­ter­est­ing ques­tion. Frankly, I have never bro­ken down the let­ters into cat­e­gories like “mar­ried” or “co­hab­it­ing.” Mar­ried or not, their re­la­tion­ship ques­tions in­ter­est me, or I wouldn’t print them.

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