New mother doesn’t want old ri­val in her baby’s life

San Francisco Chronicle - - DATEBOOK - Write to Dear Abby at P.O. Box 69440, Los An­ge­les, CA 90069 or Uni­ver­sal Press Syn­di­cate By Jeanne Phillips

Dear Abby:

I had a baby girl with my long­time best friend, “Adam.” “April” is now 3 weeks old. I thought ev­ery­thing would be OK as co-par­ents be­cause, even though we’re not to­gether, we get along and al­most never fight. Six weeks be­fore April was born, Adam be­gan see­ing a girl we both knew from high school. The girl, “Jenny,” and I have a hor­ri­ble past. She used to bully me. My prob­lem with Jenny be­ing around is she’s dis­re­spect­ful. She and Adam ar­gue all the time be­cause she forces things that shouldn’t be a prob­lem into be­com­ing a prob­lem. When I visit so Adam can see April, Jenny of­ten in­ter­jects her own opin­ions about my baby as if she knows bet­ter than I do. I re­cently found out that Adam is plan­ning to marry Jenny. We have been fight­ing be­cause I don’t want her around my daugh­ter. Adam be­lieves it’s not fair to push her out of the room when April is around, and that Jenny should be a part of fam­ily events re­served for par­ents and the child, like tak­ing for­mal pic­tures and such. Am I ir­ra­tional or crazy? I care about Adam be­cause of our long his­tory of friend­ship. I did a lot to help him get off drugs and keep his life to­gether, and now here she is mess­ing it up. I told him if he’s happy with her, then fine, but I don’t want Jenny around my baby. We can­not seem to come to an agree­ment un­less I fold. Co-Par­ent­ing on the East Coast

Dear Co-Par­ent­ing: You are nei­ther ir­ra­tional nor crazy. I’m sorry your re­la­tion­ship with Adam didn’t work out as you had hoped. How­ever, if Adam mar­ries Jenny, she will be April’s step­mother. It would be un­re­al­is­tic for you to ex­pect she leave the room when you bring the baby to visit her daddy. In that case, it might be bet­ter if you ac­cept the things you can­not change.

Dear Abby: My fi­ance, “Al­lan’s,” great-grand­fa­ther re­cently passed away. We lived with him, as did Al­lan’s mother and un­cle. Al­lan was his full-time care­giver. My fi­ance’s mother is think­ing about buy­ing the house and says we should all pay rent to her. I have lived here for six years and I’m com­fort­able here. The one thing I’m wary about is, if it be­comes her house, that she’ll start treat­ing us like chil­dren. Al­lan and I are in our late 20s. I’m not com­fort­able walk­ing on eggshells, and I’m afraid she will make it clear that we are liv­ing in her house. In my opinion, if peo­ple are pay­ing rent, it should feel like their home, too. Am I be­ing a brat? And once it be­comes her house, should I just lay all my wor­ries on the line to her? Not a Child in the West

Dear Not a Child: You are not be­ing a brat. You are an adult, and an in­tel­li­gent one. By all means lay all your con­cerns on the ta­ble — the sooner the bet­ter. That way, Al­lan’s mother can ei­ther al­lay them, or you and your fi­ance can make plans to find an­other place to live. If his mother needs the in­come that would come from hav­ing renters, she may be less in­clined to be­have as you fear.

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