STONY BILL SEZ…

HOW SKIERS SHOULD DEAL WITH AMEND­MENT 64. By Rob Story

Skiing - - The Mix Downtime Whiskey Eight Bells Rum Hudson Wh -

Hi. I’m Colorado State Amend­ment 64, but you can call me Stony Bill, be­cause by le­gal­iz­ing mar­i­juana in Colorado, I’m pretty much the most stoni­est ini­tia­tive to ever pass a statewide ref­er­en­dum.

And how ’bout those Colorado vot­ers! Rob Story’s San Miguel County ap­proved Stony Bill’s pas­sage by a wider mar­gin than any other county: 79 per­cent in fa­vor. It’s no co­in­ci­dence that the county houses Tel­luride’s skiers and snow­board­ers, or that most re­gions with ski towns voted as Peter Tosh might have.

Colorado, as John Den­ver war­bled, en­joys an ev­er­last­ing Rocky Moun­tain high. As states go, it peren­ni­ally claims one of the top spots in per capita mar­i­juana us­age.

Stony Bill prob­a­bly won’t make Coloradans toke more; it merely makes the once ver­boten safety meet­ing (the worst-kept se­cret in ski­ing) le­gal—in the right places. Since the sub­sets “Colorado skiers” and “adults 21 or older pos­sess­ing up to one ounce of cannabis” just might over­lap, here’s Stony Bill’s ad­vice on han­dling le­gal­iza­tion:

1. Wise up, fool! Most ski ar­eas oc­cupy na­tional forests, so fed­eral laws for­bid­ding bubonic chronic will still ap­ply. Colorado vot­ers did you a fa­vor. Don’t harsh their buzz by be­ing an idiot. As al­ways, dis­creet ston­ers will live to feel another high, while bla­tant mo­rons may get passes pulled.

2. In fact, ex­pect neg­li­gi­ble loos­en­ing up of peeved pa­trollers. Ski-area man­agers al­ways have and al­ways will value the fam­ily mar­ket. Ski re­sorts are tra­di­tion­ally tol­er­ant places, but only to a point. None of them want to be known as the Haight-Ash­bury of win­ter sports.

3. While it’s not at all orig­i­nal, you’re al­lowed to re­name your lo­cal gon­dola the “ganja-la,” even though other area ston­ers most likely al­ready have.

4. Anti-smoking rules ap­ply to gon­do­las, too, ding­bat! (Did you learn noth­ing from Note No. 1?) As al­ways, lo­ca­tion mat­ters. If you in­sist on cel­e­brat­ing Stony Bill’s pas­sage, find a spot in the woods with pleas­ing views. What­ever you do, don’t im­i­tate ath­letes in ball sports, who al­ways seem to light up on pub­lic road­ways. You’re a skier, damn it. Why in­hale among cops when you can in­hale in a copse?

5. Due to the way Earth’s time zones are ar­ranged around Green­wich mean time, it’s not ac­tu­ally true that “It’s al­ways 4:20 some­where.” The next time a stinky Coloradan de­claims this on a chair­lift, tell him he’s wrong.

Rob Story is Ski­ing’s colum­nist. Though he’s got a thing for the white dust of Tel­luride, Colorado—his home hill—he does not, as reg­gae great Pato Ban­ton says, “sniff the coke...”

This is il­le­gal.

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