STONY BILL SEZ…
HOW SKIERS SHOULD DEAL WITH AMENDMENT 64. By Rob Story
Hi. I’m Colorado State Amendment 64, but you can call me Stony Bill, because by legalizing marijuana in Colorado, I’m pretty much the most stoniest initiative to ever pass a statewide referendum.
And how ’bout those Colorado voters! Rob Story’s San Miguel County approved Stony Bill’s passage by a wider margin than any other county: 79 percent in favor. It’s no coincidence that the county houses Telluride’s skiers and snowboarders, or that most regions with ski towns voted as Peter Tosh might have.
Colorado, as John Denver warbled, enjoys an everlasting Rocky Mountain high. As states go, it perennially claims one of the top spots in per capita marijuana usage.
Stony Bill probably won’t make Coloradans toke more; it merely makes the once verboten safety meeting (the worst-kept secret in skiing) legal—in the right places. Since the subsets “Colorado skiers” and “adults 21 or older possessing up to one ounce of cannabis” just might overlap, here’s Stony Bill’s advice on handling legalization:
1. Wise up, fool! Most ski areas occupy national forests, so federal laws forbidding bubonic chronic will still apply. Colorado voters did you a favor. Don’t harsh their buzz by being an idiot. As always, discreet stoners will live to feel another high, while blatant morons may get passes pulled.
2. In fact, expect negligible loosening up of peeved patrollers. Ski-area managers always have and always will value the family market. Ski resorts are traditionally tolerant places, but only to a point. None of them want to be known as the Haight-Ashbury of winter sports.
3. While it’s not at all original, you’re allowed to rename your local gondola the “ganja-la,” even though other area stoners most likely already have.
4. Anti-smoking rules apply to gondolas, too, dingbat! (Did you learn nothing from Note No. 1?) As always, location matters. If you insist on celebrating Stony Bill’s passage, find a spot in the woods with pleasing views. Whatever you do, don’t imitate athletes in ball sports, who always seem to light up on public roadways. You’re a skier, damn it. Why inhale among cops when you can inhale in a copse?
5. Due to the way Earth’s time zones are arranged around Greenwich mean time, it’s not actually true that “It’s always 4:20 somewhere.” The next time a stinky Coloradan declaims this on a chairlift, tell him he’s wrong.
Rob Story is Skiing’s columnist. Though he’s got a thing for the white dust of Telluride, Colorado—his home hill—he does not, as reggae great Pato Banton says, “sniff the coke...”
This is illegal.