ASK AMY Inheritance leads to tension and guilt

DearAmy: My elderly parent passed away earlier this year, and I inherited a nice nest egg. Most of the fundswere designated to my husband’s andmy retirement accounts and to our child’s college fund, but I set aside some funds to purchase a luxury item formyself that I had been wanting for 25 years.

I anticipate the item will be used daily and will last me for the rest ofmy life.

I am, and always have been, the primary earner in our household. My salary is significantly more than my husband’s, and almost all our money is pooled (my entire paycheck goes to our shared accounts). My husband has a separate business account but does not share the details of that account withme. Although hewould never dictate howI use the inheritance, he clearly disapproves of my spending money on what he thinks is a completely nonessential item. This is making me feel incredibly guilty.

I amquite frugal. We livewellwithin our means and the cost of the item is less than 3% ofmy inheritance.

Amy, is it reasonable for me to spend this money on myself? Is this a purchase I should defer or return, to be sensitive tomy husband’s opinions?

— Inherited Problems

Dear Inherited: This is your money. You inherited it. It is kind, generous and practical for you to use this money for the greater good and benefit of your entire family, but it is yours.

Yes, it is reasonable for you to spend 3% of this inherited money on a gift to yourself. You should assume that this item will be left to your child when you are gone, thus creating a legacy.

Your husband disapproves. So what? You obviously disapprove of his choice to squirrel away his money into a separate account, but he doesn’t seem to feel guilty about that.

One note of caution: You seem to have locked yourself into something of a guilt-trap. If you can’t free yourself fromthis feeling, you will never enjoy your inheritance.

DearAmy: I’ve been dating a lovely guy. We’ve never had “the talk” about whatwe are, but I know thatwe’re exclusive romantically/sexually with each other.

Lately I’ve become frustrated and jealous of the amount of attention and time he gives to his friends.

He will spend days and evenings with his friend group several times aweek and over the entireweekend, where I typically see him only once or twice per week.

His group of friends all work at the same company, so I don’t feel like I belong among them, and because I’m not his “girlfriend,” I can’t raise the issue to be more demanding of his time and attention.

Iwant him to love his friends, to do fun things, and have personal enrichment in the people he surrounds himself with.

But I feel like I’ll never be brought into the fold if my time with him is so limited.

I ammore than willing to be patient, but I need help overcoming the unwanted resentment I have building toward his friends.

What is your opinion? — Not a Girlfriend

Dear Not: He’s just not that into you. He likes you, and he likes spending time with you, but he likes his friends more. You don’t need to dig deeply into his psyche, just do the math: He likes spending more time with his friends than with you, and so he does. If hewanted to fold you into this friend group and spend time with all of his favorite people at once, he would make the effort.

Your jealousy toward his friends is unwarranted. They aren’t forcing him to spend funweekends with them.

Perhaps your patience will be rewarded with him drifting into the relationship youwant.

Just remember this: People do what theywant to do. Every time you find yourself drifting into that hazy territory ofwondering what your guy really wants, remember that.

DearAmy: Thank you so much for your response to “Don’t KnowWhat To Do,” and your meditation on midlife crises.

I love that you quoted Peggy Lee and “Moonstruck” in one response!

— BigFan

Dear Fan: Making cultural references can be dicey, but books, music andmovies all informmyworldview, and are so helpful when they lead to insight.

Copyright 2020 byAmy Dickinson