Wife hates husband’s secret lingerie habit
Dear Amy: I have been married 15 years to a man I knew in high school. I became aware of his problem a few years ago, when I found a bra in our laundry room that was not my size. Finally, my husband confessed he’d bought it for himself. He said it was a one-time thing.
After he returned from a business trip, I found more women’s lingerie. He assured me it wouldn’t happen again. Then, I found a white gown and panties in his backpack in the trunk of his car.
He wrote me an email saying he was fascinated with female lingerie. I decided that he had a fetish, and sought marital counseling. He didn’t think it helped. I told him then that if he had to make these purchases I did not want to ever know about them, and I’d better not ever find evidence.
Last week I discovered two emails on his phone (yes, I was snooping again) where he has ordered almost $1,000 of lingerie AND women’s clothing. He also has a secret post office box where these shipments are delivered.
Your advice? — Confused Wife
Dear Wife: You have demanded that your husband must not disclose anything about this fetish to you. You also demanded that you must never find any evidence of it.
He seems to have gone to great lengths to keep this a secret, as you insist he must. So why do you keep snooping? If you don’t want to be confronted by something, then don’t look for it.
Cross-dressing is obviously a very important part of your husband’s life. It is shocking to me that your therapist didn’t help you talk about this during your sessions. Instead of insisting that your husband stop doing something that he won’t stop doing, you might seek to understand it by discussing it with him, suspending your disgust and judgment until you understand his impulse.