And God said to Jim Bakker, ‘Enough already’
The famous televangelist Jim Bakker, who is preaching again on television after a rape accusation and a prison term for financial fraud, recently warned that Christians would start an armed insurrection if President Donald Trump were impeached.
“If it happens, there will be civil war in the United States of America,” Bakker told his television audience. “The Christians will finally come out of the shadows, because we are going to be shut up permanently if we’re not careful.”
Afterward, I received the following transcript of a conversation between Bakker and, er, God. It comes from a divine source.
Bakker: “Dear God, thank you for blessing me with wisdom, courage, virtue and rugged good looks. Plus humility. Please help me raise up an army to smite the infidels trying to impeach President Trump. …” God: “Oh, enough already!” Bakker, trying to dive under the bed: “Who’s there? And oh, no! Fire! Fire! There’s a fire on my bed!” God: “It’s a burning bush.” Bakker: “Who said that? Fire! Fire! Help!”
God: “Don’t be such a wimp: This is a smokeless burning bush. It won’t even singe your linens. So listen up. This is God.”
Bakker: “Wow, that really is a burning bush! That’s you, God? Are you anointing me to lead my people and smite our enemies? Will you give me a mighty, holy sword? I could crush all those infidels, just as if they were Amalekites.”
God: “Whoa! Remember: ‘Blessed are the peacemakers.’ I’m not into smiting these days. When you say deranged, violent things in my name, I want to sue you for defamation. Not that I go around feeling sorry for myself, but it’s tough being the Almighty when crazies keep running around fomenting hatred in my name.”
Bakker: “Like those Godforsaken Muslims! They don’t value human life. We should destroy them!”
God: “You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye.”
Bakker: “You could be more respectful. And wait — are you not a Republican?”
God: “I’m nonpartisan. I just don’t like being used. I was mortified when four out of five white evangelical Christians voted for a thricemarried liar who bragged about sexual assault — and then cited me as the reason for their votes. In polls, white evangelicals went from the group most likely to say that personal morality mattered in politics to the group least likely to say that — in just five years. These are values voters?”