And God said to Jim Bakker, ‘Enough al­ready’

The Citizens' Voice - - EDITORIAL - NI­CHOLAS D. KRISTOF

The fa­mous tel­e­van­ge­list Jim Bakker, who is preach­ing again on tele­vi­sion af­ter a rape ac­cu­sa­tion and a prison term for fi­nan­cial fraud, re­cently warned that Chris­tians would start an armed in­sur­rec­tion if Pres­i­dent Don­ald Trump were im­peached.

“If it hap­pens, there will be civil war in the United States of Amer­ica,” Bakker told his tele­vi­sion au­di­ence. “The Chris­tians will fi­nally come out of the shad­ows, be­cause we are go­ing to be shut up per­ma­nently if we’re not care­ful.”

After­ward, I re­ceived the fol­low­ing tran­script of a con­ver­sa­tion be­tween Bakker and, er, God. It comes from a di­vine source.

Bakker: “Dear God, thank you for bless­ing me with wis­dom, courage, virtue and rugged good looks. Plus hu­mil­ity. Please help me raise up an army to smite the in­fi­dels try­ing to im­peach Pres­i­dent Trump. …” God: “Oh, enough al­ready!” Bakker, try­ing to dive un­der the bed: “Who’s there? And oh, no! Fire! Fire! There’s a fire on my bed!” God: “It’s a burn­ing bush.” Bakker: “Who said that? Fire! Fire! Help!”

God: “Don’t be such a wimp: This is a smoke­less burn­ing bush. It won’t even singe your linens. So lis­ten up. This is God.”

Bakker: “Wow, that re­ally is a burn­ing bush! That’s you, God? Are you anoint­ing me to lead my peo­ple and smite our enemies? Will you give me a mighty, holy sword? I could crush all those in­fi­dels, just as if they were Amalekites.”

God: “Whoa! Re­mem­ber: ‘Blessed are the peace­mak­ers.’ I’m not into smit­ing these days. When you say de­ranged, vi­o­lent things in my name, I want to sue you for defama­tion. Not that I go around feel­ing sorry for my­self, but it’s tough be­ing the Almighty when cra­zies keep run­ning around fo­ment­ing ha­tred in my name.”

Bakker: “Like those God­for­saken Mus­lims! They don’t value hu­man life. We should de­stroy them!”

God: “You hyp­ocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to re­move the speck from your brother’s eye.”

Bakker: “You could be more re­spect­ful. And wait — are you not a Repub­li­can?”

God: “I’m non­par­ti­san. I just don’t like be­ing used. I was mor­ti­fied when four out of five white evan­gel­i­cal Chris­tians voted for a thrice­mar­ried liar who bragged about sex­ual as­sault — and then cited me as the rea­son for their votes. In polls, white evan­gel­i­cals went from the group most likely to say that per­sonal moral­ity mat­tered in pol­i­tics to the group least likely to say that — in just five years. These are val­ues vot­ers?”

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