Cou­ple dis­agree on co­hab­it­ing

The Commercial Appeal - - Viewpoint -

I liked the ad­vice you gave about not mov­ing in with a part­ner too soon in a re­la­tion­ship, but my sit­u­a­tion is quite the op­po­site. I have been with my boyfriend for 2 1/2 years (we are both in our late 20s), and it has re­cently come up that he would not con­sider mar­ry­ing some­one un­less he has lived with the per­son for a min­i­mum of a year. I would like to wait un­til mar­riage; I like the idea of build­ing a home and start­ing a new chap­ter of life to­gether as a mar­ried cou­ple. I want my fu­ture hus­band to carry me across the thresh­old of our new home to­gether and not into a home and life we’ve al­ready been shar­ing.

I un­der­stand his thoughts on the sub­ject (see whether it works be­fore you com­mit), but we spend six nights a week to­gether al­ready, so there isn’t any­thing new we would learn about each other by liv­ing to­gether. We ba­si­cally do live to­gether. We just keep our be­long­ings in sep­a­rate places. We are very com­pat­i­ble, but is this a deal breaker? Should I wait it out? Walk away? Is there a com­pro­mise?

Dear An­nie: — Don’t Want to Be Room­mates

If you’re both set on the same des­ti­na­tion, there’s no sense in break­ing up over the route. But make cer­tain you do in fact agree on that des­ti­na­tion. Ask him how he feels about mar­riage, with open-ended

Dear Don’t Want to Be Room­mates:

ques­tions, not lead­ing ones. If he’s se­ri­ous about co­hab­i­ta­tion as a step­ping­stone, then pro­pose a com­pro­mise. You’ll move in to­gether af­ter you’re en­gaged. If you can af­ford to move in to a new place, it might help es­tab­lish that new-chap­ter feel.

I’d like to sug­gest an­other op­tion for “Anx­ious Adopter,” whose adopted son has vis­its with his birth mother but whose adopted daugh­ter has no con­tact with her birth family. My sug­ges­tion would be for “Anx­ious Adopter” to talk to her son’s birth mother to see whether she could find it in her heart to in­clude your daugh­ter in the vis­its. Our 15-year-old daugh­ter re­lin­quished her new­born son for adop­tion many years ago. Years later, when our grand­son be­came a part of our life, he had an adopted sis­ter who had no knowl­edge of her birth family. Be­cause she was spe­cial to our grand­son, she was spe­cial to us and was in­cluded in our time with our grand­son. My hus­band and I were hon­orary grand­par­ents at her wed­ding.

Dear An­nie:

First, I’d like to say that I re­spect the rights of birth moth­ers in open-adop­tion ar­range­ments, and it would be re­gret­table if my ear­lier re­sponse sug­gested oth­er­wise. I love your so­lu­tion, which shows real heart. I’ve passed it along to “Anx­ious Adopter.” Thank you.

Send your ques­tions for An­nie Lane to dear­an­ To find out more about An­nie Lane visit the Creators Syndicate web­site at www.

Dear Twice Blessed: — Twice Blessed

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