Past con­fes­sion turns out to be a lie

The Commercial Appeal - - Sports -

My hus­band and I have been mar­ried for more than 40 years. Dur­ing the first five years of our mar­riage, he con­fessed to sev­eral in­stances of in­fi­delity. He begged for for­give­ness. I for­gave him.

Well, re­cently, I found out he was ly­ing and never ac­tu­ally had slept with other women. He told me that he had been ques­tion­ing my loy­alty and made up sit­u­a­tions to see whether I loved him enough to for­give him and that I had passed the test. Well, yes, I for­gave him each time be­cause I loved him, but my feel­ings about him did change a lit­tle from the hurt of the sup­posed in­fi­delity. I went through hell in­ter­nally back then, but I didn’t let him know.

I don’t un­der­stand what would make some­one do that. He has been an ex­cel­lent hus­band for the past 35 years, but I could have had a much bet­ter mar­riage had he not lied the first five years. I can’t stop think­ing of how things could have been and what the real truth is. What would you sug­gest I do?

If he truly was mak­ing up th­ese lies about cheat­ing as some kind of test of your loy­alty, that’s pretty twisted. If he did cheat but now has de­cided to re­write his­tory and pre­tend he wasn’t an adul­terer, that’s pretty twisted, too. Which is true? At this point, the more im­por­tant ques­tion is why he would jerk you around like this at all. Such emo­tional abuse is un­ac­cept­able.

Tell your hus­band that if you’re to ever free your­selves from the tan­gled web he’s wo­ven, it will be through mar­riage coun­sel­ing. If he re­fuses, I en­cour­age you to at­tend coun­sel­ing on your own.

“On­go­ing Un­hap­pi­ness” wrote to you com­plain­ing that her daugh­ter-in-law is a hypochon­driac. She may not be.

For 30 years, I suf­fered pain and surg­eries that I later un­der­stood most likely could have been avoided had I had a true di­ag­no­sis of fi­bromyosi­tis, now known as fi­bromyal­gia. It took 30 years to di­ag­nose. Pain hap­pens all over.

It can feel like a bruise when some­one touches you. It can cause de­bil­i­tat­ing pain when you bend over — which is the im­pe­tus for un­nec­es­sary gall­blad­der or kid­ney surgery or a hys­terec­tomy when a doc­tor is mys­ti­fied by the pain. I be­came unin­sur­able be­cause of those pained years. I was misdiagnosed nu­mer­ous times, had surgery af­ter surgery and took med­i­ca­tion af­ter med­i­ca­tion. None of it stopped the pain.

Too many peo­ple are con­sid­ered hypochon­dri­acs by those around them be­cause they’ve never had a day free of pain. That is not to say “On­go­ing Un­hap­pi­ness’” daugh­ter-in-law is in that cat­e­gory, but it sounds as if she could be.

Chronic un­di­ag­nosed pain can have an in­cred­i­bly dispir­it­ing im­pact on one’s life and out­look. I’m glad you even­tu­ally got the cor­rect di­ag­no­sis. Per­haps your let­ter will in­spire some­one suf­fer­ing sim­i­lar pain not to give up look­ing for answers.

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