A pizza a day keeps wrin­kles away

The Covington News - - OPINION -

“Do you see them? Do you see them?”

My wife’s face was about two inches from mine. I was sup­posed to be notic­ing some­thing about her face.

“Do you see them? They’re wrin­kles. And they weren’t here a year ago,” she said, with a hint that I was some­how re­spon­si­ble. “So, do you see them?” Again, her face was about two inches from mine, but I hon­estly didn’t no­tice any wrin­kles. I did, though, no­tice that her lunch in­cluded onions.

“No, your face looks ex­actly like it was the day I met you,” I said as­suredly. My as­sur­ance didn’t seem to soothe her angst.

I don’t no­tice wrin­kles of the skin, or blem­ishes, or dry patches, or goi­ters, for that mat­ter. I know noth­ing of skin care — never have, re­ally. I re­mem­ber some­one once of­fer­ing me some mois­tur­izer. “What’s that?” “It’s mois­tur­izer. Here, try some,” they said. “What’s it for?” “It mois­tur­izes your skin,” they an­swered.

“Why do I need my skin mois­tur­ized?”

Crick­ets chirped. Some­where

“A brief in­ves­ti­ga­tion un­cov­ered her se­cret. Aretha Franklin has

re­tained a fresh, youth­ful face via the fol­low­ing reg­i­ment: She has gained five to 10 pounds a year for

the last 30 years.”

in the dis­tance, miles away, I heard a hum­ming­bird land on a leaf.

“I don’t know” was the even­tual re­sponse.

It is in­deed ironic that, while I don’t no­tice, or give a flip, about skin care, I have un­cov­ered the se­cret to a life­time of wrin­kle­free skin.

I came upon this dis­cov­ery where all star­tling rev­e­la­tions are borne — on TV. The other day, I was pe­rus­ing the chan­nels when I saw Aretha Franklin singing. I paused the re­mote con­trol for a mo­ment to lis­ten to her dis­tinct song stylings.

“This must be from a long time ago,” I said aloud to my­self. “Her face looks re­ally young.”

Not so. Fur­ther view­ing re­vealed that the per­for­mance was re­cent.

How did her face look so smooth and crease-free at the age of 65? Her mug showed none of the plas­tic surgery mark­ings ev­i­dent in other celebri­ties – Ex­hibit A be­ing Joan Rivers, who now looks more like that Madame pup­pet (any­one re­mem­ber “Solid Gold”? I hope not) than an ac­tual hu­man be­ing.

No, the Queen of Soul is free of plas­tic.

A brief in­ves­ti­ga­tion un­cov­ered her se­cret. Aretha Franklin has re­tained a fresh, youth­ful face via the fol­low­ing reg­i­ment: She has gained five to 10 pounds a year for the last 30 years.

It’s a lit­tle known fact that skin stretches. As Aretha’s case sci­en­tif­i­cally con­cludes, if you stretch your skin a lit­tle bit each year, it will be­come tighter and tighter and wrin­kles won’t de­velop. What’s crit­i­cal is that you don’t skip a year and stay the same weight. It’s that sim­ple. Un­know­ingly, I have fol­lowed this same reg­i­ment for years, which ac­counts for my youth­ful glow.

Now, mind you, while gain­ing such weight year af­ter year clears wrin­kles from your face, it can, as ev­i­denced by Aretha, cre­ate crevices, in­den­ta­tions, or ravines in other parts of your per­son.

But that’s a small price to pay for smooth, clear, kiss­able skin when you’re fight­ing time.

Ac­tu­ally, it’s a large price — but maybe not as ex­pen­sive as a plas­tic sur­geon.

Eat on, look young. It makes you feel like a nat­u­ral wo­man.

Len Rob­bins

Colum­nist

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