Nuke two-step

The Covington News - - OPINION - Will Durst

This might be a good time to try and ex­plain Ge­orge Bush’s Mideast nu­clear pol­icy, which to the un­trained eye must seem trick­ier than do­ing cal­cu­lus on a so­lar pow­ered cal­cu­la­tor in the front seat of a high-speed roller coaster while wear­ing gloves, at night. As leader of the free world, he’s taken a monumental task upon him­self to di­vide the world into two dis­tinct and sep­a­rate groups: those coun­tries sober and sen­si­ble enough to han­dle the whole nu­clear thing in the ma­ture man­ner of a good demo­cratic na­tion like the United States, and all those other fourth-rate, scor­pion-in­fested hell­holes that still al­low barn­yard an­i­mals to board air­planes.

And what of the border­line calls? You know, coun­tries with a cou­ple of low-rent, knock­off fast-food fran­chises whose street­cars still al­low live chick­ens in the over­head com­part­ment? Easy. The na­tions we like can have nu­clear weapons. And the ones we don’t like — can’t. It’s that sim­ple. And don’t give us any lip ei­ther. Or we’ll talk to some bud­dies of War­ren Buf­fett and get your Burger Imam li­censes re­voked.

Be­ing the sole mem­ber of the “We Made a Big Badda Boom” club bur­dens us with the author­ity to write the ad­mis­sions pol­icy for all guild ap­pli­cants. Not a pretty job, but some­one has to do it. And the more like us you are, the more likely we’ll let you have what you want. As long as what you want is what we want you to want. The less like us you are, the more likely your topo­graph­i­cal fea­tures are of be­com­ing a vast ex­panse of smooth, green glass.

Al­though we’ve had the bomb for over sixty years, we have proven our­selves to be to­tally re­li­able and trust­wor­thy hav­ing only used it on ac­tual peo­ple twice. Sure we’ve waved it around a cou­ple of times, but if you can’t men­ace some­body with a nu­clear bomb, what’s the use of squan­der­ing your chil­dren’s fu­ture to build it? Ge­orge Bush is go­ing the ex­tra mile to make sure that ev­ery nu­clear wannabe is as de­ter­mined to pur­sue diplo­matic an­swers to com­plex in­ter­na­tional prob­lems as he is. And those who don’t like it might want to start sleep­ing in lead-lined pa­ja­mas.

Is­rael, Pak­istan, In­dia… sure, no prob­lem boys, load up. You can go ther­monu­clear. Be­cause not only are you like us, you’re our friends. You in­vite us to your birth­day par­ties. And give us ice cream. Your lead­ers wear suits which makes us com­fort­able. Syria, Iraq and Iran. No. I’m sorry. You wear funny clothes and you’re mean to us and never had us over to the house for cook­ies and milk — so no nukes for you. What it boils down to is: it’s not enough to be like us, you also have to ac­tu­ally… like us.

Be­sides, ev­ery­body knows the only rea­son the peo­ple who refuse to see the world the way that we see the world want nu­clear weapons in the first place, is to de­stroy the del­i­cate bal­ance of peace that ex­ists to­day in the Mideast. That del­i­cate bal­ance of peace we’ve been so in­stru­men­tal in fos­ter­ing. Hence Ge­orge Bush’s job. To keep bad peo­ple from ac­com­plish­ing their stated goal of desta­bi­liz­ing the Mideast. In a way that is dif­fer­ent than the Mideast is be­ing desta­bi­lized now. Which is why he has to work so hard that it makes his head hurt. Mine too, come to think of it.


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