God sometimes takes care of fools
In the news recently we learned that we are about to draw down troops in Iraq and send them to Afghanistan. I think I read that 8,000 troops are involved. According to the military, this will not be enough for us to win that war. I began to think that a discussion of bringing back the draft will soon be on the table. It has made me think of events that happened to me many years ago when the draft was implemented.
I was 12 years old and just out of school for the summer in 1960 when I slipped on an oystershell-filled hillside under a lawnmower stuck on an extended root. In the process I proceeded to mangle a few of the toes on my left foot. In 1960, they didn’t have the technology to repair limbs like the do today, so I spent three months in the hospital while they tried to save my toes. During that time, I became the fattest, most spoiled kid in Annapolis.
One day when I was feeling sorry for myself, a nurse told me that I may someday find out that because I lost my toes, “that God sometimes takes care of fools.” August came, and there was no progress, so off with the toes.
During that time, the Vietnam conflict was just ratcheting up and a draft was in effect. But I was only 12 and was more concerned about Dick Clark moving from Philadelphia to California and the Washington Senators winning a ball game than I was about a place called Vietnam.
If you were a teenage boy in Maryland in those days, you wanted to go down to the draft board and register on time because without a draft card you couldn’t get served beer in Washington D.C., which then had a drinking age of 18. So the day I turned 18, at the crack of dawn I was standing in line to get my coveted draft card. Because my toes were missing, I was classified as 1-Y, which meant I wouldn’t be called up for anything unless there was a national emergency of some sort.
In 1965, I was working fulltime at the paper, had just graduated from high school and was just starting to be liked by girls. I also had moved out of the countryside and in with my grandmother in the big city. Everything was going just fine until the fall of my 19th year.
I received a surprise note from the draft board saying I was now reclassified as a 1-S and that I was to take a bus trip up to Baltimore to take the dreaded physical that could end up in me dressed in olive green or navy blue.
So bright and early one fall day, off I went.When we got to Ft. Hollanberg in Baltimore, they loaded us like cattle into a gym-like structure where a sergeant shoved papers in our hands and proceeded to tell us what the rest of the day was going to be like. He also gave us a brown lunch bag that contained one apple and a ham and cheese sandwich on dried bread, no dressing, and a moon pie.
I looked at my papers in disbelief. These were papers that said I was unemployed, desired to go into the military as a career, etc. It was my signature, but I didn’t do it. I tried to raise my hand to inform the sergeant I didn’t personally fill out these papers and somehow a mistake had been made. I didn’t realize as I sat there in shock reading my papers that he had just told everybody that no excuse was going to work today.
The next thing I knew, 12 neat rows of us stood stark naked being touched, looked at and abused by at least eight doctors. Trust me, this was not a very pretty sight.
Being a very naïve person at the time, I couldn’t believe the different techniques some of my fellows had tried in order to fail their physical. Brilliant plans included sticking soap in private places, stay- ing up for days on end and drinking coffee for three solid days. It took the very last doctor to realize I had toes missing; he looked at me like I was a leper and immediately sent me to the base psychiatrist. The first question he asked was, “Why did you cut off your toes, was it because you wouldn’t have to serve your country?” While I was trying to tell him that at age 12 serving my country wasn’t really on my mind — and in fact I was about to tell him my whole life story — he looked at me over his glasses stamped my papers with a big red stamp that said UNFIT and snarled at me that I was through for the day. Good, I thought to myself. This government is on the ball after all.
As I walked down the hall with a huge smile, two big sergeants were taking blood. I tried to tell them I was UNFIT. They told me to get my big fat youknow-what over there and give blood. I was sensitive about my rear end, but I had learned my lesson on questioning sergeants. So, I gave my blood, and UNFIT or not I was part of the program the rest of the day. We soon had to take our written tests. I guess the tests were to determine if we were going to run the Pentagon or be one of the sanitation engineers. Again, a sergeant informed us everyone would pass this test, so don’t try to fail it. There were some tough math questions though: for instance, Farmer Brown had two apples, he ate one, how many did he have left? The test included some good logic questions too, like if a chicken crossed a busy interstate highway during rush hour, was his chance of survival (a) Good or (b) Bad.
At the end of the day, they loaded us back into the gym and started culling those who didn’t pass the physical and who didn’t pass the written test that no one could fail. I think they kept some of those folks to work with them. I actually didn’t see some of that group who stayed ever again.
They sent me to a social worker who was supposed to help me find a job since my papers said I didn’t have one. I looked at my papers again while I was in line. I finally figured out my mom had filled them out. My mom never thought the newspaper business was ever going to be a good career choice for me. Sometimes I have to wonder if she wasn’t half right. We never talk about her filling out those papers, even to this day.
As I stood in line for the social worker, my bus was getting ready to leave for home. I just left the line and got on it. I reckon I became 4-F because I never heard from the draft board again.
On the way home, guys were talking about going to Vietnam. They were scared. I actually was feeling kind of low. I felt I was letting my country down. I silently cursed the summer of my 12th year. I was sitting with my friend Mickey. It turned out he had a perforated eardrum and they wouldn’t take him either.He was feeling the same way I was.
When we arrived back home we began walking. It was a beautiful fall evening as we walked around Church Circle in Annapolis. The birds were singing, the air was crisp and the moon was full. Soon I felt a little smile coming on and I asked Mick if he still felt as bad. He said he didn’t and off we went to D.C.
I regret never having been able to serve my country. I lost a few of my friends in Vietnam, and when I can, I go to visit the memorial wall in D.C. I find their names, I touch them and I cry like a baby.
I have nothing but respect for people who have served their county in any way. But, I am thankful today. I don’t miss my toes and I know now, God apparently really does take care of fools.