Skiing can be fun
DEER VALLEY, Utah — Skiing can be a lot of fun. My favorite parts are taking off those heavy boots at the end of the day and getting some feeling back in my hands and feet several hours after I have left the frigid slopes.
But snow skiing does have its annoyances, and people should be made aware of these before they decide to take up the sport and go out and spend a lot of money on equipment and airline tickets to take them to such ski resorts as Deer Valley, which is located in the majestic Wasatch Mountains, 50 minutes from the airport in Salt Lake City where all those Mormons live.
As a public service to those who may think they would like to join the growing hordes of snow-skiers, I thought I might mention a few of the problems one should be quite familiar with before deciding to travel 2,000 miles to freeze half to death in a $ 400 ski outfit.
LEARNING TO SKI: It is easy to learn to ski. All you do is point your skis downhill and off you go. What is difficult to learn is how to turn on skis and how to stop on skis.
I saw a man ski into a condominium once be- cause he had not learned to turn or stop. He was fine after they turned his head back in the right direction, but the condo owner’s wife, who was giving a Tupperware party when the intruder skied into her living room, was never quite the same after the incident.
SKIING CAN BE A HASSLE: The pain-inthe-neck factor in skiing is one of the highest in outdoor sports.
You have to carry your skis a lot, and they are heavy and unwieldy.
You have to learn to walk in those boots, which hurt your feet and ankles, and you have to wear long underwear, which itches. If you don’t like heavy lifting, your feet and ankles hurting, and itching from long underwear, I would suggest you forget skiing and take up bowling, where the only bad part is wearing those silly looking red and green shoes.
FALLING: Every skier, no matter how advanced he or she becomes, occasionally will fall into the snow. This can be painful, not to mention humiliating. When you fall, it is best to feign a heart attack so nobody will think you are so unathletic you couldn’t find the fingerholes in a bowling ball.
FIFTEEN-YEAROLDS: The most dangerous thing on a ski slope is a 15-yearold boy going flat out who doesn’t care if he gets killed or if he kills somebody else. Why nobody has been able to find the abominable snowman is because he’s hiding from l5-year-old boys on skis.
THE COLD: Sane people go to the Caribbean in winter.
SKI INSTRUCTORS: All the male ski instructors look like Greek gods. Your wife and/ or girlfriend will spend hours staring at the male ski instructors in those tight, male-ski-instructor pants.
Female instructors, on the other hand, look weather-beaten and are former college field hockey players.
THE MORMONS: The Mormons are in charge of everything in Utah, including the state’s liquor laws, which are so complex it’s easier to drive to Wyoming to pick up a six-pack than it is to stay in Utah and try to figure out which day it’s not against the law to order a vodka tonic if you’re left-handed.
If you still want to take up skiing after reading this, good luck. If you don’t, I’m glad I warned you. If you have decided to join the Mormon church, remember, Brigham Young didn’t ski either.
With all those wives, he didn’t have the time or energy.