Po­lit­i­cal cor­rect­ness harder than it looks

The Covington News - - Opinion - Reach Dick Yarbrough at yarb2400@bell­south.net or P.O. Box 725373, Atlanta, GA 31139.

There is a fal­la­cious, sala­cious and slightly au­da­cious ru­mor afloat that I can be a tad po­lit­i­cally-in­cor­rect at times. Moi? Knock me over with a (or­gan­i­cally-grown) goose feather. I’ll have you know that some of my best friends are (fill in the blank) and (fill in the blank), not to men­tion (fill in the blank.) On rare oc­ca­sions, I have even been seen in pub­lic with (fill in the blank.)

Where this tale may have got­ten started was when I took a swipe re­cently at the So­cial­ist Repub­lic of Cal­i­for­nia and even my own beloved State of Ge­or­gia (who says I’m not fair?) over their ap­proach to ed­u­ca­tion — as­sum­ing ei­ther state has an ap­proach to ed­u­ca­tion. Some gay sup­port­ers in Atlanta thought I was pick­ing on them and let me know they were dis­pleased. One even called me an “old fool.” I found that com­ment li­belous and talked to my at­tor­ney about su­ing her. He sug­gested that be­fore I did, I should look in a mir­ror and let him know if I didn’t see an old fool star­ing back at me. Dang. I hate legal tech­ni­cal­i­ties.

Truth in ad­ver­tis­ing re­quires me to say that I got more mail from read­ers — in­clud­ing gays — who thought the col­umn was a hoot than I did from fuss­bud­gets, prov­ing that a sense of hu­mor knows no race, creed, color or sex­ual ori­en­ta­tion. If it is any so­lace to my gay friends, the Bi­ble thumpers are on my case now and they have a near-mo­nop­oly on hu­morim­pair­ment, but don’t give up.

By the way, if I lived in Atlanta, aka Mal­func­tion Junc­tion, I think I would be more con­cerned with why the sew­ers don’t work and nei­ther does the city gov­ern­ment than with the snarky com­ments of a smart-aleck colum­nist.

Still, I have re­ceived a stern lec­ture from the Woman Who Shares My Name about be­ing kinder and gen­tler. She, I will lis­ten to. She con­trols the broc­coli dis­tri­bu­tion in our house and wields that power ruth­lessly.

If I do be­come more po­lit­i­cally-cor­rect, about the only sub­ject I will have left with­out up­set­ting some spe­cial in­ter­est group will be the state Leg­is­la­ture. Thank good­ness we live in a world where no­body cares what the Leg­is­la­ture thinks.

Ex­cuse me a mo­ment. Some­body is tug­ging at my sleeve. Yes? Who are you? You are a mem­ber of the po­lit­i­cally-cor­rect po­lice? (Whis­per! Whis­per!) What? I am be­ing po­lit­i­cally-in­cor­rect when I pick on our in­trepid pub­lic ser­vants? (Whis­per! Whis­per!) You say that the Leg­is­la­ture is com­posed of men and women, blacks and whites, straights and gays, left-han­ders and even some Bap­tists? Many are hu­mor-im­paired, par­tic­u­larly the ones who don’t pay their taxes? Bum­mer.

Well, what can I write about that won’t of­fend the po­lit­i­cally-cor­rect po­lice? (Whis­per! Whis­per!) Old white men? (Whis­per! Whis­per!) Repub­li­cans? Aren’t they the same thing? (Whis­per! Whis­per!) Oh, that’s right, I for­got Sarah Palin. Any­body else? (Whis­per! Whis­per!) The Fox Net­work? (Whis­per! Whis­per!) I’m sorry but I don’t know much about the Fox Net­work ex­cept the only peo­ple I ever see on their pro­grams are old white men, Repub­li­cans, Sarah Palin and her good friend, Paul Re­vere.

How about South­ern­ers? Can I tease South­ern­ers and not get the po­lit­i­cally-cor­rect zealots on my case? (Whis­per! Whis­per!) That’s ter­rific. I agree with you that South­ern­ers are the one group on earth that don’t give a rats-be­hind about po­lit­i­cal-cor­rect­ness. May You-Know-Who bless them now and for­ever more.

That re­minds me of a story. Five guys from Am­brose — that’s in Cof­fee County — called Pres­i­dent Obama and said they were plan­ning to de­clare war on the United States. The pres­i­dent re­minded them that he had a mil­lion troops to their five and that they had bet­ter think twice about that. They said they would dis­cuss the mat­ter fur­ther among them­selves and would call him the next day and let him know of their de­ci­sion. When they called the pres­i­dent back, they said they had de­cided not to de­clare war. Mr. Obama told them they had made a wise de­ci­sion, but asked what had changed their minds. They said they re­al­ized that they didn’t have any place in Am­brose to keep a mil­lion prisoners.

(Whis­per! Whis­per!) What do you mean that is not a po­lit­i­cally-cor­rect story? You say that the joke triv­i­al­izes war and that it will of­fend the So­cial­ist Repub­lic of Cal­i­for­nia? That ev­ery­body in Berke­ley will break out in hives and throw up their canola oil? And we care what Cal­i­for­nia thinks about any­thing? Well, I’ll be a pri­mate’s un­cle!


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