Two let­ters to Ge­orge Wash­ing­ton

The Covington News - - The Second Opinion - DAVID MCCOY COLUM­NIST David Mccoy can be reached at davm­c­coy@ bell­

Dear Pres­i­dent Wash­ing­ton: You don’t know me, but you’re one of my heroes. I used to keep lots of pic­tures of you in my wal­let, but things got so ex­pen­sive that I had to use most of them at the gro­cery store. Any­way, I thought I’d write to tell you about the big mess we’re in right now. You al­ways were a smart and coura­geous leader, and I was hop­ing you could pop back for a few days and give Congress and our cur­rent pres­i­dent some ad­vice. They don’t seem to have much ex­pe­ri­ence with think­ing and courage and good ideas and things like that.

The coun­try you started is flat broke. We spent a huge chunk of our sav­ings on wars, and we gave away a boat­load of money to peo­ple who hate us. And I think we used a lot of money to fund re­ally im­por­tant stud­ies like, “Can alu­minum sid­ing with­stand a nu­clear bomb?” There’s alu­minum sid­ing ev­ery­where in our coun­try, so I’m pretty sure some­one asked for that study. Per­son­ally, I think nu­clear bombs are stronger, but I’m not telling Congress since they didn’t pay me to study it. I don’t think you used any nu­clear bombs against Eng­land in the Rev­o­lu­tion­ary War. I’m glad, be­cause I re­ally like watch­ing BBC come­dies, and I love English Break­fast tea. Any­way, we’re all out of money and we had to bor­row a bunch from China. I know that sounds funny, but China is a su­per­power now. Get this! We have over $14 tril­lion of debt! Wow! What a num­ber! Congress isn’t too good with money, but I guess it’s not their fault. As soon as they get any, they spend it or give it away. They just don’t have much ex­pe­ri­ence hold­ing on to it and study­ing it. Maybe we should make our money out of used alu­minum sid­ing. I bet politi­cians would study the value of a dol­lar then, if they could get a gov­ern­ment grant.

Any­way, we sure could use some of your sane ad­vice right now. A tril­lion is such a big num­ber - it has 12 ze­roes! And don’t get me started on all the ze­roes hold­ing of­fice in Wash­ing­ton, D.C. By the way... about that town... we meant well when we named it af­ter you. Sorry about the way it’s turned out. Just call it D.C. like I do. It’s less

painful that way.

The Sec­ond Letter

Dear Pres­i­dent Wash­ing­ton: Af­ter I sent my last letter to you, I re­al­ized I might have de­pressed you with all the bad news that’s hap­pened since you passed on. So, I thought I’d bet­ter cheer you up. I know you liked the Con­sti­tu­tion, so I’ll tell you about the First Amend­ment. That’s the big one, re­mem­ber? It’s the one that cov­ers re­li­gion, and free speech, and the press. In case you’re won­der­ing, we still have the same Con­sti­tu­tion, but we’re al­ways look­ing for new ways to in­ter­pret it, just to make it bet­ter!

Let’s start with re­li­gion. We can still wor­ship the way we want. When I was grow­ing up, we could talk about God in school, but that’s changed. The Supreme Court de­cided God didn’t need to go to the school­house any­more, and we should just leave him home. Funny thing is, we’ve had a lot of prob­lems with guns in those same build­ings since then, but that’s the Sec­ond Amend­ment, and I’m not talk­ing about that one right now. The press is still free, too. Most Amer­i­cans can’t wait for the lat­est news about celebri­ties and ath­letes and shows where celebri­ties dance with ath­letes. The press cov­ers elec­tions and crime and im­por­tant so­cial is­sues, but that’s not as pop­u­lar from what I can tell. I like read­ing news about celebri­ties! And I like car­toons too, but not the ones with dancing.

As you prob­a­bly guessed, we still have free­dom of speech! I don’t have to worry about go­ing to jail for writ­ing these let­ters, even if some­one finds them and puts them in a newspa- per. And you should see what else “free speech” in­cludes. An artist put a cru­ci­fix in a jar of some­thing nasty, took a pic­ture of it, and called it art. A lot of re­li­gious peo­ple were hop­ping mad, but oth­ers jumped in to de­fend his “right to free speech.” I bet you didn’t see that one com­ing, did you? Per­son­ally, I don’t like that kind of art, but I’m not go­ing to say any­thing about it. You have to be very care­ful about what you say now, or peo­ple will say your words are “un­for­giv­able” or some­thing mean like that. Don’t get me wrong. We still have free­dom of speech, but you just have to be very care­ful about how and when you use it... un­less you’re an artist, of course.

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