On pa­trol with the color co­or­di­na­tion po­lice

The Covington News - - The second opinion - DAVE MCCOY

We all have em­bar­rass­ing so­cial flaws, don’t we? Well, maybe you don’t have any, but I’m loaded with them. I’m cursed with an in­abil­ity to dance; I don’t en­joy pro­fes­sional sports; I have no in­ter­est in go­ing to Ve­gas to gam­ble away my pay­check; and I’m a to­tal bore at po­lit­i­cal fundrais­ers. The list could go on and on, but I want to com­plain a bit about the one so­cial flaw that seems to bite me in the tail ev­ery day of the week: when it comes to dress­ing my­self, ap­par­ently I have no color co­or­di­na­tion skills. I know of this flaw be­cause I’m al­ways re­ceiv­ing color co­or­di­na­tion ad­vice, from ev­ery­one. I’ve heard so much ad­vice about what I should wear, you’d think the brand of clothes I own is a brand called “THAT.” “Are you re­ally go­ing to wear THAT coat with THAT shirt? Is THAT what you’re wear­ing? You’re not se­ri­ously go­ing to wear THAT, are you?” THAT’S a pretty lousy brand, but it fits me like a glove.

Take this past week, when I tried on some of the clothes that I bought on sale at the mall. These are nice clothes, but the prob­lem is that they are all dif­fer­ent col­ors. I put on some red­dish short pants and de­cided I’d wear a green striped shirt with them. I thought it looked OK, but when I saw my wife, she promptly said I looked like a Christ­mas tree. Well, what’s wrong with look­ing like a Christ­mas tree? Wait...don’t an­swer that. Later on, I spilled salad dress­ing on the shirt, so I changed into a blue one. “No more Christ­mas tree look for me. Let’s see any­one com­ment on this out­fit.” Sure enough, I went down­stairs to re­frains of, “Nope. It’s not a Christ­mas tree. He’s dressed like the Amer­i­can flag now.” In case you haven’t no­ticed...you can’t win around my house. They love me, but they’re mer­ci­less at times.

Maybe the an­swer to my prob­lem is to just wear black all the time. There are no black Christ­mas trees, and I don’t know of any­one other than a pi­rate who would own a black flag. Black goes with black, white, red, green... it just goes with ev­ery­thing. Be­sides, if I wear black, I might be able to sneak — ninja-like — out of my house be­fore any­one can make a wise­crack.

David McCoy, a no­to­ri­ous sto­ry­teller and proud Yel­low Jacket, lives in Cov­ing­ton and can be reached at davm­c­coy@ bel­lsouth.net.

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