Skeeter Skates weighs in on Mid­dle East sit­u­a­tion

The Covington News - - Opinion - DICK YAR­BROUGH COLUM­NIST You can reach Dick Yar­brough at yarb2400@ bel­ or P.O. Box 725373, At­lanta, GA 31139.

I was in the mid­dle of pre­par­ing a Pow­erPoint pre­sen­ta­tion for you on why House Speaker David Ral­ston, R-Blue Ridge, needs a cam­paign war chest of $356,415.19 to run un­op­posed for re-elec­tion in his dis­trict. The neat part was go­ing to be ex­plain­ing the $1,000 cam­paign con­tri­bu­tion from the Amer­i­can Ken­nel Club, lo­cated in New York. You will be in­ter­ested to know The Amer­i­can Goat As­so­ci­a­tion, lo­cated in Pipe Creek, Texas, did not con­trib­ute to Mr. Ral­ston. I think this proves be­yond doubt why goats have so lit­tle influence un­der the Gold Dome. (When was the last time you heard any­one in the Leg­is­la­ture speak kindly of goats?)

Any­way, I had to stop be­cause Skeeter Skates, owner of Skeeter’s Tree Stump Re­moval and Plow Re­pair in Greater Metropoli­tan Pooler, called me. He doesn’t call that of­ten but when he does, you drop what­ever you are do­ing.

“Hoss,” he said, “I ain’t got time to chit-chat be­cause the stump re­moval busi­ness has picked up with all the storms and I am real busy right now.” I was glad to hear that. The tree stump re­moval and plow-re­pair busi­ness has its share of peaks and val­leys.

Skeeter said, “I want you to do some­thing for me. Be­ing as how you are al­ways talk­ing about pol­i­tics, you must know a bunch of them big shots in Wash­ing­ton, so I want you to ask the pres­i­dent and that Rom­ney fella that’s run­ning against him a ques­tion. Be sure and tell them it’s Skeeter Skates do­ing the ask­ing.” I wanted to tell Skeeter I don’t know Pres­i­dent Obama or Mitt Rom­ney all that well and was rea­son­ably cer­tain they didn’t know him at all but I wasn’t about to say that.

Skeeter said, “I want you to ask them why we are still over in Eye-Rack and Afghanistan risk­ing the lives of Amer­i­can sol­diers. Do we re­ally think them folks is gonna change over there? If we get rid of a jack­leg dic­ta­tor all that’s gonna hap­pen is one of them ter­ror­ist groups will take over and treat peo­ple worse than they were treated be­fore. It is plumb ridicu­lous.”

I hadn’t re­ally thought about it that way.

Skeeter was get­ting worked up. “That crowd in Afghanistan was hid­ing that piece of mule ma­nure that thought up fly­ing air­planes into them build­ings in New York. They knew he was there and didn’t do noth­ing about it. Then they got peeved at us for putting a bul­let in his head and drop­ping his sorry soul in the ocean. Now, I hear that Eye-rack is help­ing Ey­eran smug­gle in money or some­thing, even af­ter we got rid of that Sad­dam guy for them and lost a bunch of Amer­i­can lives in the process. They ain’t got the loy­alty of a pine bee­tle over there.”

Give him his due. The man knows a great deal about pine bee­tles.

I started to re­spond but Skeeter went on, “You think them tribal chiefs and Mus­lim preach­ers and all give a tin­ker’s damn about democ­racy? They don’t care about that stuff. They’re just wait­ing on us to leave so they can get back to fightin’ amongst them­selves like they’ve been do­ing since Methuse­lah was a pup. They hate each other wors’n they hate us.”

When Skeeter paused to catch his breath, I asked him what he thought we should do. He said, “You tell the pres­i­dent and that Rom­ney fella to get our troops out of that hell­hole. Tell them Skeeter Skates said to let that guy in Eye-ran and the one in Eye-Rack and in Afghanistan know that I don’t think their coun­try is worth one more drop of Amer­i­can blood and if they get any ideas about com­ing over here and blow­ing up some­thing and hurt­ing in­no­cent Amer­i­cans, we are li­able to nuke the whole crowd into a lump of char­coal. They’d bet­ter learn it’s best not to mess with us.

“Hoss, I have a lot more to say on the sub­ject but I’ve got to get back to work. Them tree stumps ain’t just gonna jump out of the ground by them­selves. I am count­ing on you to pass along my mes­sage to the right folks.”

I told Skeeter I would do my best to con­vey his thoughts to the can­di­dates and I would tell you about our con­ver­sa­tion, as well. I hope some­body will lis­ten to the man. Maybe the next pres­i­dent will con­sider ap­point­ing Skeeter Skates as Sec­re­tary of State. They could do worse.

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