Ve­rac­ity val­u­a­tor use­ful tool to clar­ify opin­ions

The Covington News - - Opinion -

I got called a “lib­eral” the other day by a reader in Chero­kee County who doesn’t think much of my opin­ions and sug­gested “Some­one should re­tire his word pro­ces­sor.” My word pro­ces­sor Bar­ney, was elated at the thought. Bar­ney hates this job. When I brought Bar­ney home, it was with the prom­ise that he and I would cre­ate po­etry. I was afraid to tell him the truth about writ­ing snarky col­umns be­cause I fig­ured he might rip out his hard drive and die in a high- tech ver­sion of Hari- Kari. In­stead, Bar­ney shows his dis­plea­sure by go­ing on strike about an hour be­fore dead­line.

The com­ment about be­ing called a lib­eral up­set me, too, al­though I don’t think as much as it will Democrats who pos­sess more lib­eral wee­nies than the Os­car Mayer Wein­er­mo­bile and have the sense of hu­mor of a kumquat.

It is ap­par­ent that my opin­ions oc­ca­sion­ally get mis­in­ter­preted. That could be be­cause of Bar­ney’s re­fusal to in­sert com­mas where they be­longed or be­cause some read­ers have not read me as care­fully as I had as­sumed they would. Ei­ther way, some­thing needs to be done be­fore some­one ac­cuses me of be­ing a gay, il­le­gal im­mi­grant from Ver­mont.

Ju­nior E. Lee, gen eral man­ager of the Yar­brough World­wide Me­dia and Pest Con­trol Com­pany in Greater Garfield, Ga., sug­gested that I at­tach his re­cently- cre­ated Ve­rac­ity Val­u­a­tor, which is de­signed to go off any­time I opine on these pages. As if he didn’t have enough prob­lems, Bar­ney has dis­cov­ered the de­vice is at­tached to his moth­er­board, which now has his momma up­set with him. She, too, as­sumed he was go­ing to write po­etry and wants no part of this col­umn.

If Ju­nior’s con­trap­tion thinks I am be­ing con­sis­tent in my opin­ions, it will ding. If it thinks I am not, it will buzz. He sug­gested I of­fer some easy opin­ions first to see if the Ve­rac­ity Val­u­a­tor ( U. S. Patent Pend­ing) is cal­i­brated prop­erly. Here goes: I hate broc­coli. DING! Let’s try an­other one: How­ever, I know broc­coli is good for me, so I will eat it when­ever it is served. BZZZ!

Now that the gizmo is up and work­ing, let’s get to work clar­i­fy­ing who I am and what I be­lieve. I do this in or­der to avoid as much con­tro­versy as pos­si­ble, be­cause I do not like be­ing con­tro­ver­sial. BZZZ! Dr. Gil Wat­son, the World’s Great­est Preacher, would sleep bet­ter if he thought some of his ser­mons were slowly but surely turn­ing me into a kinder, gen­tler and less- judg­men­tal per­son. DING!

I will ad­mit that there have been oc­ca­sions when I may have up­set alumni and friends of Ge­or­gia Tech. DING! But, it is all in fun. BZZZ! I try as best I can not to men­tion that the Univer­sity of Ge­or­gia is the old­est state- char­tered univer­sity in the na­tion, lo­cated in Athens, the Clas­sic City of the South and not only do we play football rea­son­ably well DING! but also we can claim 18 Rhodes Schol­ars. DING! DING!

It is per­haps in the area of pol­i­tics where I may cause a great deal of con­fu­sion. I have been ac­cused of be­ing a con­ser­va­tive red­neck DING! and, as you have read, a lib­eral DING! This both­ers me a great deal. BZZZ! Ac­tu­ally, I don’t like ar­ro­gant politi­cians of ei­ther party who for­get who put them in of­fice and lose touch with We the Un­washed. DING! When Demo- crat Tom Mur­phy was Speaker of the House, he wrote me a scathing let­ter when I said his po­lit­i­cal ca­reer would soon be toast. DING! I was right. He lost his next elec­tion. I hate it when I’m right. BZZZ!

The same thing is go­ing to hap­pen to cur­rent Speaker David Ral­ston if he doesn’t watch out. DING! I don’t think Ral­ston will write me a scathing let­ter, how­ever, be­cause he doesn’t think enough of my opin­ions to make the ef­fort. DING! That re­ally bums me out. BZZZ!

I prom­ise our in­trepid pub­lic ser­vants that I will try not to take it per­son­ally when some loud- mouth in the leg­is­la­tor talks about our “fail­ing pub­lic schools.” BZZZ! know­ing they couldn’t carry my kids’ book satchel. DING! and nei­ther could most of those who agree with them. DING! DING!

I could go on but, alas, Bar­ney just spit up his RAM. I trust the Ve­rac­ity Val­u­a­tor has been use­ful in help­ing you un­der­stand what I be­lieve and why DING! and that the reader in Chero­kee County will per­haps re­think his opin­ion of me. BZZZ!

You can reach Dick Yar­brough at yarb2400@ bel­lsouth.net or P. O. Box 725373, At­lanta, GA 31139.

DICK YAR­BROUGH

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