I’m a don’t-do-it-your­selfer

The Covington News - - THE SECOND OPINION - David McCoy, a no­to­ri­ous sto­ry­teller and proud Yel­low Jacket, lives in Cov­ing­ton and can be reached at davm­c­coy@bell­south.net.

I had a bit of time to burn last week and wasn’t to­tally sure what I’d do with my short taste of freedom, so one of my friends asked, “Don’t you have a ‘Honey Do’ list?”

I thought for a mo­ment and re­al­ized there were a few projects I could work on, but the only per­son push­ing me to do the work was me. I don’t have a clas­sic, wife-im­posed chore list, but be­fore you envy me, re­al­ize that I have some­thing far worse.

I have a “Honey Don’t!” list: a list of things that I am not ever al­lowed to do again. Ever!

I’m not al­lowed to give any more hair­cuts. It’s not that the one I gave my son was bad, and it’s not like he was scarred for life.

His hair grew back, and we saved 10 bucks. But I’m not al­lowed near the clip­pers.

And I’m no longer al­lowed to re­pair things with coat hang­ers and den­tal floss.

I’ve writ­ten about re­pair­ing an old Mercedes muf­fler with a wire hanger, but did you know you can use den­tal floss to re­pair that lit­tle chain that pulls the flap­per on your toi­let?

You can. I can’t. Not any­more.

By the way, the den­tal floss only lasts about two months.

You’ll need to plan for that. And don’t use the minty floss. That’s just weird.

I’m also not al­lowed to trim the shrubs in my yard. At least, I’m not al­lowed to trim them with my chain­saw.

Hey! Those bushes were re­ally big, and it’s not like I cut them to the ground. I just pared them back to their bare es­sen­tials.

Well, that one went on the “Honey Don’t!” list faster than that un­for­tu­nate hair­cut busi­ness.

And I’m not al­lowed to knock holes in dry­wall. That one sounds le­git, but it’s a bit un­fair. At one of my old houses, I found ter­mites.

So I re­moved a few sec­tions of dry­wall to get to them. I caught the wood munch­ers, but I didn’t bother patch­ing the dry­wall for a few years.

So, now I’m banned from mak­ing any holes, even if I can hear the ter­mites laugh­ing on the other side of the wall.

By now, you’re prob­a­bly laugh­ing, too. Well laugh all you want.

You’ve got your “Honey Do” list, and I’ve got my “Honey Don’t!” list.

Which one of us can work on his list just by tak­ing a nap? Yeah!

DAVID MCCOY

COLUM­NIST

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