Why live longer with­out ba­nana pud­ding?

The Covington News - - OPINION - DICK YAR­BROUGH COLUM­NIST You can reach Dick Yar­brough at yarb2400@ bell­south. net or P. O. Box 725373, At­lanta, Ga. 31139.

I read a news re­port this week that says while we are liv­ing a lot longer in the U.S., peo­ple in other coun­tries are liv­ing even longer. Bum­mer.

I asked Ju­nior E. Lee, gen­eral man­ager of the Yar­brough World­wide Me­dia and Pest Con­trol Com­pany, lo­cated in Greater Garfield, Ga., to an­a­lyze the re­port for me so I could give you the de­tails.

Ju­nior E. Lee, as you know, heads up our highly- re­spected Round or Square Polls di­vi­sion — “Give us the dough and we will cook the num­bers” — and is also a cer­ti­fied pest con­trol pro­fes­sional.

There are not many polling com­pa­nies that can claim a cer­ti­fied pest con­trol pro­fes­sional on their staff. I be­lieve that to be a com­pet­i­tive ad­van­tage.

Ju­nior said it would be a few weeks be­fore he could pro­vide an in- depth anal­y­sis and asked me to apol­o­gize to you for the de­lay but he has a pest con­trol emer­gency. It seems that Arveen Ri­d­ley has bit­ing lice both­er­ing his cows. Cows can’t talk, of course, but they can show their un­hap­pi­ness in more tan­gi­ble ways. As a re­sult, Arveen has to milk with one hand and hold his nose with the other. Ju­nior says that is not a sat­is­fac­tory so­lu­tion for ei­ther Arveen or the cows.

I told Ju­nior I thought you would un­der­stand and that I would try to han­dle it my­self. Frankly, I am much bet­ter at this kind of thing than I am spray­ing for bit­ing lice. can claim a cer­ti­fied pest con­trol pro­fes­sional on their staffs. I be­lieve that to be a com­pet­i­tive ad­van­tage.

The in­for­ma­tion in the news re­port is at­trib­uted to a 2006 re­port from the Na­tional Academy of Sciences and a 2011 re­port from the Na­tional In­sti­tutes of Health. Ad­mit­tedly, they don’t have the ca­chet of Round or Square Polls, but I would deem them pretty good sources.

First off, you should know Amer­i­can women have gone from be­ing the long­est- lived in the world in the 1960s to 28th to­day. Whoa.

You know who is go­ing to get the blame for that, don’t you? We guys. We get blamed for ev­ery­thing else, so we might as well take a hit on this one. Look for some fu­ture study to show that a woman’s longevity is ad­versely im­pacted by some of the things men do, like drink­ing milk out of the bot­tle and fail­ing to put the toi­let seat down — or up. I for­get which.

Ev­i­dently, men don’t do this kind of stuff in Ja­pan, be­cause Ja­panese women are now liv­ing longer than Amer­i­can women, ac­cord­ing to the study. So are French and Ital­ian women. That sur­prises me. I don’t know much about Ja­panese men ex­cept they usu­ally know more English than they will ad­mit. As for French­men and Ital­ians, I have al­ways felt like they could get away with a lot of things that would get us Amer­i­can men a skil­let up­side the head.

The study shows that women still out­live men in the U. S. on av­er­age by five years. We guys start drop­ping out at about 75; the women at 80. Maybe a man’s life­span is short­ened by some of the things we see women do. I’m still try­ing to fig­ure out why they will burn up $ 2 worth of gaso­line in or­der to save 10 cents on a box of ce­real.

Ex­perts say if we eat the right foods and shun the bad stuff, we have the abil­ity to live into our 90s and even to 100. Let me go ahead and state the ob­vi­ous: If by “right foods” you are talk­ing about broc­coli, you can for­get it. I’ll try to beat the odds with ba­nana pud­ding. If I do, the folks at the Na­tional Academy of Sci­ence might do a study on me. If not, I’ll die sat­is­fied. I love ba­nana pud­ding.

Sci­en­tists also be­lieve there is a cor­re­la­tion be­tween be­ing happy and liv­ing a long life. I’ve got a chance here. I am never hap­pier than when I am tweak­ing the hu­mor- im­paired among us and read­ing their blus­tery emails. And I do get a few. One guy wrote me re­cently to say he would just as soon watch the “blond fe­male air­heads on Fox” as to read my opin­ions. I’ll bet he isn’t go­ing to live a long time.

As for me, I have only be­gun liv­ing. That as­sumes the ba­nana pud­ding holds out and I can fig­ure out the toi­let seat thing.

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