Try­ing to de­ter­mine who is the real out­sider in U.S. Se­nate race

The Covington News - - OPINION - COLUM­NIST

The U.S. Se­nate race this Novem­ber be­tween Demo­crat Michelle Nunn and Repub­li­can David Per­due will be one of the more un­usual cam­paigns we have wit­nessed in Ge­or­gia. Nei­ther has held pub­lic of­fice and both are anx­ious to por­tray them­selves as the ul­ti­mate “out­sider.”

But just how out­side is out­side?

That was a task I as­signed my es­teemed as­so­ciate, Figby. I asked him to pose that ques­tion to both can­di­dates. Figby is good at this kind of thing and is used to tough as­sign­ments.

He once got South­ern Bap­tists to­gether with the Amer­i­can Civil Lib­er­ties Union. Thanks to his ef­forts, the Bap­tists agreed they had mis­in­ter­preted the Bi­ble and would hire only women preach­ers in the fu­ture. The ACLU agreed to tat­too a copy of the Ten Com­mand­ments on ev­ery mem­ber’s fore­head. At the end of the day, ev­ery­body was hug­ging and cry­ing. I was very proud of Figby. Rap! Rap! Rap! Figby: “OK, folks, let’s get started. Where is Ms. Nunn?”

Nunn: (Hollers) “I am out here!”

Figby: “Ms. Nunn, can’t see you.”

Nunn: “That’s be­cause I am out­side, you dip­stick. If I come in­side, I won’t be out­side. Is that so hard to fig­ure?”

Figby: “Hmm. In­ter­est-

I ing point, Ms. Nunn. Mr. Per­due, where are you?”

Per­due: (Hollers) “I’m sit­ting in my pickup truck, watch­ing a movie called the ‘The Out­siders.’ I’ve seen it a mil­lion times. It stars Mar­shal Dil­lon and John Cameron Swayze. I iden­tify with the char­ac­ters. They wear denim jack­ets and are not a part of the ‘in-crowd,’ like some­body I could name.”

Nunn: “Oh, pooh! Your cousin was gov­er­nor of Ge­or­gia and you live in­side a gated com­mu­nity that is in­side another gated com­mu­nity on Sea Is­land. You had to send your valet to Pem­broke to find you a denim jacket. Some out­sider.”

Figby: “Let me stop you for a sec­ond. “The Out­siders’ starred Matt Dil­lon and Pa­trick Swayze, not Mar­shal Dil­lon and John Cameron Swayze. Mar­shal Dil­lon was played on tele­vi­sion by James Ar­ness and John Cameron Swayze was a net­work an­chor­man at NBC many years ago. You might en­joy a lit­tle story about Mr. Swayze. ...”

Per­due: “Yeah, well what about you, lady? You grew up in Wash­ing­ton D.C. That’s about as in­side as you can get.”

Figby: “John Cameron Swayze did com­mer­cials for Timex watches. Their motto was ‘takes a lick­ing and keeps on tick­ing.’ One time, on live tele­vi­sion, he. ...”

Nunn: “For your in­for­ma­tion, I barely re­mem­ber Wash­ing­ton. I’m not sure I could find the place to­day. I think it is some­where near Co­hutta. I’d need a map. That’s how out­side I am.”

Figby: “…put a watch on a mo­tor­boat pro­pel­ler. ...”

Per­due: “Well, I’m so out­side I can tell you I don’t know where Wash­ing­ton is with­out look­ing at a map. I be­lieve it is in Ohio or Ari­zona.”

Figby: “… and it slung the watch off and no­body could find it. It was ter­ri­bly amus­ing and. ...”

Nunn: “C’mon, David. You have been to Wash­ing­ton just as much as I have.”

Per­due: “Yeah, but only be­cause I had to. When I wasn’t run­ning ma­jor cor­po­ra­tions, I was usu­ally fish­ing. I love to fish.”

Nunn: “No kid­ding. Back home in Perry, we have a lot of fish ponds and some mighty fine fish­ing. That brings back a lot of warm mem­o­ries.”

Per­due: “You are from Perry? Don’t that beat all! I’m from over in Warner Robins. We were prac­ti­cally neigh­bors.”

Figby: “Sorry I seem to have got­ten side­tracked, folks. If we can get back to the dis­cus­sion, I don’t feel we are mak­ing much head­way to­day and I would like to sug­gest. ...”

Nunn: “How about that! Why don’t you and the fam­ily come over some­time for cat­fish and col­lard greens?

Per­due: “Gosh, we’d love to. I’ll bring my copy of ‘The Out­siders.’ You will love the movie. Mar­shal Dil­lon and John Cameron Swayze are great in it.”

Figby: “Again, that’s not cor­rect. Mar­shal Dil­lon is a fic­tional char­ac­ter. …”

Nunn: “Great. I’ll have my folks call your folks and set it up. Just one con­di­tion.” Per­due: “What’s that?” Nunn: “Let’s be sure and eat out­side in case any­body sees us. Re­mem­ber, we are ‘out­siders.’ We’ve got our rep­u­ta­tions to think about.”

Per­due: “Ha. Ha. Ha. Good one. Out­side it is. See you later, Michelle. My best to your folks.”

Nunn: “Same here, David. Bye.”

Figby: “... and John Cameron Swayze was ...”

You can reach Dick Yar­brough at yarb2400@ bell­; at P.O. Box 725373, At­lanta, Ge­or­gia 31139; on­line at dick­ or on Face­book at www.face­book. com/dick­yarb


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