Thin­ning out the al­ter­na­tives for Jekyll Is­lan­der

The Covington News - - OPINION - You can reach Dick Yar­brough at yarb2400@ bell­south.net; at P.O. Box 725373, At­lanta, Ge­or­gia 31139; on­line at dick­yarbrough.com or on Face­book at Face­book.com/ dick­yarb.

I have one of the most in­ter­est­ing jobs in the world. One day I am ad­vis­ing world lead­ers on the nu­ances of in­ter­na­tional mon­e­tary pol­icy. The next day I am con­sol­ing a dis­traught reader who thinks I need to “look within my­self spir­i­tu­ally.” The last time I looked within my­self, I saw my navel. It was full of lint. Never again.

This week, I was con­tacted by a group of deer on Jekyll Is­land seek­ing my coun­sel. They are in a tizzy. It seems that mem­bers of the Jekyll Is­land Au­thor­ity have de­cided that there are too many of them — deer, not mem­bers of the Jekyll Is­land Au­thor­ity — on the is­land and that the herd needs to be thinned out.

One of the sug­ges­tions is to shoot a bunch of them. This has up­set the deer. I don’t blame them. It is a known fact that there are more lawyers in this world than there are deer and that lawyers can do a lot more harm to the en­vi­ron­ment but no­body ever talks about thin­ning out lawyers. That seems a bit un­fair.

The deer wanted to meet and talk about their op­tions. While I usu­ally try and main­tain strict neu­tral­ity in such mat­ters, I was flat­tered that the deer seem to have a great re­spect for my opin­ions and don’t care about whether or not I look within my­self spir­i­tu­ally. They are more con­cerned with how to keep from get­ting them­selves shot. Say what you will about deer, but they have their pri­or­i­ties in or­der.

Their leader was a male who called him­self Claude. I sus­pect that was a pseu­do­nym be­cause I have never heard of a deer be­ing named Claude. Bambi, yes. Dasher, yes. But Claude? Never.

The first thing Claude and his com­pan­ions wanted to talk about was Ge­or­gia’s new gun law. They won­dered since it is per­mis­si­ble to take a gun into a church or a bar or most any­where else in the state ex­cept the State Capi­tol, was there a pro­vi­sion that would al­low deer to arm them­selves as well?

Claude said deer don’t mind get­ting shot at if they are able to shoot back. He thought that would pretty much take care of their prob­lem right there. Claude thinks deer hunters are a bunch of wussies that would turn tail and run the first time he or one of his as­so­ciates took a shot at them.

He was pretty sure it was one of the mem­bers of the Jekyll Is­land Au­thor­ity that had shot his Un­cle Fred a cou­ple of years ago. It is ob­vi­ous the deer don’t care much for the Au­thor­ity.

I sug­gested to Claude that if the deer sur­vive this dilemma in which they find them­selves, they would do well to hire a lizard-loafered lob­by­ist next ses­sion and take a few legislators to play golf. That seems to work for a lot of groups and maybe it would work for the deer.

Claude said that was im­prac­ti­cal. In the first place, deer have no money to hire a lizard-loafered lob­by­ist. As for tak­ing legislators to play golf, most cour­ses don’t al­low deer, although they will per­mit legislators. I must ad­mit I was a bit sur­prised at that. Logic would say it should be the other way around. I need to get out more.

Claude asked to speak to me pri­vately. When we were alone, he said he was aware that some back­lash had de­vel­oped re­gard­ing the plan to shoot them and that some an­i­mal lovers were pro­mot­ing a pro­gram called TNR. He wasn’t sure what that meant and didn’t want to ask in front of the oth­ers. I told him the ini­tials stood for “trap, neuter and re­turn.” Claude asked if I was kid­ding. I told him I was se­ri­ous. I added there was also talk of ster­il­iz­ing the fe­male deer.

Claude asked me if all of this meant what he thought it did. I said it did. In other words, he said, deer would no longer be able to do what they do best and en­joy more than eat­ing rhodo­den­drons. I said to the best of my un­der­stand­ing that would be the case. Claude wanted to know if I had any con­tacts with the Jekyll Is­land Au­thor­ity. I told him I had a few. He said would I please tell them that given the al­ter­na­tive, he and his col­leagues would just as soon be shot.

Say what you will about deer, but they have their pri­or­i­ties in or­der.

DICK YAR­BROUGH

COLUM­NIST

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