Ask Amy

The Denver Post - - LIFE & CULTURE - by Amy Dickinson

Dear Amy: My wife and I have been mar­ried for al­most 10 years. We are in our mid-30s. We don’t have chil­dren. We have hit a brick wall. She says that she com­pletely re­sents me for not go­ing to fam­ily func-

tions and do­ing cou­ples ac­tiv­i­ties. I will try harder to do more of these things.

She has said that she has changed, and that we’ve grown apart. She has taken up dif­fer­ent ac­tiv­i­ties out­side the home. She is tak­ing danc­ing lessons, and is work­ing out at the lo­cal gym ev­ery day.

She is out ev­ery other night, some­times un­til quite late. We don’t eat din­ner to­gether any­more, and I’ve had many sleep­less nights wor­ry­ing about our re­la­tion­ship.

I’m ex­tremely con­cerned and wor­ried about our mar­riage! When she is home, she is com­pla­cent and with­drawn, and con­stantly on her cell­phone, re­ceiv­ing text mes­sages from her “new friends.”

There is a ter­ri­ble ten­sion be­tween us and she fails to see what this is do­ing to our re­la­tion­ship.

I’m ex­tremely con­fused and scared about our fu­ture. I’ve told her she is break­ing my heart. We just seem to be go­ing in cir­cles. What do you sug­gest? — Heart­bro­ken

Dear Heart­bro­ken: Your mar­riage is at a break­ing point, and it could be a point of no re­turn, un­less you and your wife de­cide to try to fix it to­gether. All of her ac­tions in­di­cate that she is no longer in­vested in your re­la­tion­ship, and some of her ac­tions — the work­ing out and con­stant tex­ting — point to­ward the pos­si­bil­ity that she might be hav­ing an af­fair.

Your mar­riage didn’t wither on its own — your own be­hav­ior con­trib­uted to your prob­lems. Un­for­tu­nately, you also can­not fix it on your own. You and your wife can re­pair your mar­riage to­gether, through hard work and ten­der care­tak­ing. A mar­riage coun­selor would help to clar­ify the next steps to take, and would also help you to weather a pos­si­ble breakup.

Also read: “The Seven Prin­ci­ples for Mak­ing Mar­riage Work: A Prac­ti­cal Guide from the Coun­try’s Fore­most Re­la­tion­ship Ex­pert,” by John Gottman and Nan Sil­ver (Har­mony, 2015). This ground­break­ing re­la­tion­ship book stud­ies suc­cess­ful cou­ples, of­fer­ing help­ful tools to stay to­gether.

Dear Amy: I’m in high school. A kid at my school got an award last year for per­fect at­ten­dance. The lo­cal news­pa­per ran an ar­ti­cle about it, men­tion­ing that he was never even late for one class. The news­pa­per said that his mother got stopped by the po­lice eight or nine times and still got him there on time.

What the pa­per didn’t say is that his father is a po­lice cap­tain.

My par­ents only let me drive be­cause I agreed that I would never speed. And I never have, even though I’ve been called a nerd.

I may not be an adult but I think there is more than one thing wrong with this per­fect at­ten­dance sit­u­a­tion and the news­pa­per ar­ti­cle mak­ing that kid’s mom look like a hero for speed­ing.

What do you think? — Stu­dent

Dear Stu­dent: I agree with you that no­body should cel­e­brate speed­ing, es­pe­cially in con­nec­tion with high school stu­dents.

You have never been stopped by the po­lice (good for you!), but one thing you should know is that a traf­fic stop is time con­sum­ing. If you are speed­ing to avoid be­ing late, a visit by the high­way pa­trol (even a quick one) will eat up pre­cious time. If this mom got stopped and still got her child to school on time, then she prob­a­bly left the house early enough to get Mr. Per­fect At­ten­dance there with­out speed­ing.

Dear Amy: “Scalped” de­scribed how her father gave her one ticket to a con­cert she wanted to at­tend as a birth­day gift. She wanted to bring a friend and he ex­pected her to pay for the sec­ond ticket. But who wants to go to a con­cert alone? And who would give some­one just one ticket? I was dis­ap­pointed in your re­sponse. — Dis­ap­pointed

Dear Dis­ap­pointed: If some­one gives you a gift, you ac­cept that gift, in­stead of ask­ing for more. That was my per­spec­tive.

“Scalped” ended up go­ing to the con­cert wi20th a friend, and is no longer talk­ing to her father. I think that’s a real shame.

Newspapers in English

Newspapers from USA

© PressReader. All rights reserved.