Ask Amy

Dear Amy: I am the mother of a 21-year-old girl and an 18-year-old boy. My prob­lem is with my daugh­ter. She treats me very dis­re­spect­fully.

The Denver Post - - LIFE & CULTURE - by Amy Dick­in­son

She’ll tell me to “shut up” and calls me “stupid” or “dumb” if some­thing doesn’t suit her or if she’s feel­ing stressed about school or work (she is a straight A stu­dent work­ing a sum­mer in­tern­ship with a ma­jor ac­count­ing firm).

When I try to ad­dress the be­hav­ior, she’ll shut me down by mock­ing me. I am at a loss on what to do to stop this dis­re­spect­ful be­hav­ior.

Here is an ex­am­ple: Yes­ter­day morn­ing she came into my bed­room (on the main floor), an­gry at me for turn­ing off the air con­di­tioner. Her room is on the sec­ond floor and she said she was too hot to sleep all night. I ex­plained that it was 60 de­grees out­side and we didn’t need the air con­di­tioner.

She said, “You’re so dumb; hot air rises … what are you — stupid?” This is just one ex­am­ple of many. My son doesn’t treat me this way and is very re­spect­ful and kind. My hus­band says I should com­pletely ig­nore her and not do a thing for her — ba­si­cally alien­ate her. What do you think? — Frus­trated Mom

Dear Mom: Your daugh­ter seems to sin­gle you out for this dis­re­spect, but you and your hus­band should present a united front in deal­ing with it.

You two should be at the cen­ter of your fam­ily, and should be in ba­sic agree­ment about what you will — and won’t — tol­er­ate from your lit­tle miss bossy pants, other­wise she doesn’t have much in­cen­tive to change.

You three should meet pri­vately to dis­cuss her be­hav­ior. Ask her if she talks to her pro­fes­sors, men­tors or co-work­ers this way. Then ask her why she talks to you this way. Lis­ten to her an­swer; if she doesn’t an­swer or shrugs this off, then let some un­com­fort­able si­lence hang in the room.

Tell her that she needs to be­have dif­fer­ently. Don’t of­fer ul­ti­ma­tums (she’ll be forced to won­der about the pos­si­ble con­se­quences).

If this con­tin­ues, then I agree with your hus­band — ig­nore her and do noth­ing for her un­til she fig­ures out how to get back into her par­ents’ good graces. If her be­hav­ior de­te­ri­o­rates, the next step might be to tell her that she needs to find some­where else to stay. Be calm, firm, in-charge and — when the time comes — for­giv­ing. She’s young and test­ing you.

Dear Amy: I’m sure you’ve been asked this many times in the past, but I need to know — if you’re dat­ing some­one, is it the man’s re­spon­si­bil­ity to pay the tab all the time?

And if I was to ap­proach my girl­friend about this is­sue, what is the best way to go about it? — Mon­ey­bags

Dear Mon­ey­bags: Yes, this is a peren­nial is­sue be­tween dat­ing cou­ples. The ques­tion is raised, again and again, be­cause as time goes on, so­cial mores change as we all make the tran­si­tion away from some tra­di­tions, and to­ward oth­ers.

Ev­ery cou­ple needs to dis­cuss money at some point, and the sooner you do this, the bet­ter.

You could start this con­ver­sa­tion with your girl­friend by ask­ing her if she thinks the man should al­ways pick up the tab, and if so — why.

My own view is that who­ever has more should give more. The per­son with fewer as­sets can ex­press his or her own gen­eros­ity by find­ing ways to host in­ex­pen­sive out­ings.

Dear Amy: I am writ­ing in re­sponse to read­ers re­gard­ing hir­ing a con­trac­tor with a Trump bumper sticker on his truck. In an­other time and in an­other po­lit­i­cal at­mos­phere, I would have no prob­lem with this. How­ever, Trump rep­re­sents ev­ery­thing that is wrong with Amer­ica: greed, racism, in­equal­ity and class war. To me, this is the same as voic­ing sup­port for the KKK, con­fed­er­ate flag and other hate-in­spired groups. Ad­vis­ing your read­ers to stick their heads in the sand and sup­press their moral in­dig­na­tion was very dis­ap­point­ing. Post­ing po­lit­i­cal mes­sages on your busi­ness ve­hi­cle is cer­tainly a “right,” but it’s also stupid, as it will alien­ate some cus­tomers and you’ll lose busi­ness. Amy, you should be ashamed of your­self. — A Dis­ap­pointed Reader

Dear Dis­ap­pointed: I’m sorry to have dis­ap­pointed you, but ad­vis­ing mu­tual re­spect and tol­er­ance is hardly some­thing to be ashamed of.

Newspapers in English

Newspapers from USA

© PressReader. All rights reserved.