Ask Amy

The Denver Post - - FEATURES - By Amy Dickinson

Dear Amy: I am a shy sin­gle guy in my mid-20s. Like many peo­ple my age, I am on a ma­jor on­line dat­ing site where I have com­mu­ni­cated with some won­der­ful peo­ple.

I have been talk­ing re­cently with one woman who is about my age. We seemed to hit it off, mes­sag­ing each day for a cou­ple of weeks about our in­ter­ests, dreams, fam­i­lies, etc.

I fi­nally asked if she would like to meet up on a spe­cific date. She re­sponded that she would be away dur­ing that time, but she would love to meet up af­ter she re­turned. She said, “I prom­ise this is not just an ex­cuse!”

How­ever, I now see that her pro­file on the site has ei­ther been de­ac­ti­vated or deleted.

Am I be­ing “ghosted?”

I took her state­ment that she would love to meet af­ter a spe­cific date as an in­di­ca­tion that she was still in­ter­ested, but did I mis­read the sig­nals? This is my first ex­pe­ri­ence with this, so I do not know how to in­ter­pret the be­hav­ior. Should I wait un­til the spe­cific date passes in or­der to see if she just de­ac­ti­vated tem­po­rar­ily due to trav­el­ing?

Should I just ac­cept this as a cost of dat­ing in this era (that some peo­ple will ghost) and move on?

I have knowl­edge of one of her so­cial me­dia ac­counts where I can con­tact her.

Should I just let sleep­ing dogs lie? I re­ally thought that we clicked, but I don’t want to go into the “stalker” ter­ri­tory and not see a “no” if it is there. — Won­der­ing

Dear Won­der­ing: Yes, I think you are be­ing “ghosted.” Ghost­ing, for those peo­ple for­tu­nate enough not to have ex­pe­ri­enced it, is a very sud­den and un­ex­plained with­drawal from con­tact, al­though ghost­ing usu­ally refers to an ac­tual re­la­tion­ship, not a pos­si­ble re­la­tion­ship.

An­other mod­ern con­cept, “bread-crumb­ing” is the de­spi­ca­ble prac­tice of ba­si­cally mess­ing with some­one by throw­ing down lit­tle bread crumbs of (dig­i­tal) in­ter­est, with­out ever con­sum­mat­ing an ac­tual “meet.”

Just as mod­ern life makes it easy to con­nect, it is also eas­ier to dis­con­nect, with few con­se­quences.

You should not spend time wait­ing for a spe­cific date to ar­rive to see if this woman resur­faces. You should re-en­ter the dat­ing site and carry on, at­tempt­ing to meet peo­ple.

Dear Amy: My step­daugh­ter died last week from can­cer. Her hus­band in­vited his fam­ily and friends to the fu­neral. I knew I’d be see­ing my hus­band’s ex there. I left the room when they said good­bye to their daugh­ter; I wanted to give them their space.

In a few months my step­daugh­ter’s hus­band wants to bring her cre­mains to our land to be buried un­der a small tree. He wants to in­vite all of his fam­ily (50 peo­ple, at least), and in­vite my hus­band’s ex, too. This, I do not want.

Do I have to let her come to our home? I am an in­tro­vert, so I am also freak­ing out about all of my hus­band’s fam­ily also com­ing here. I have been tak­ing med­i­ca­tion for anx­i­ety al­ready, due to my step­daugh­ter’s suf­fer­ing and death. I feel I can­not han­dle that many peo­ple at my home! I know my hus­band will over­rule me, so now I feel like my only op­tion would be to just leave for the day and let them do their thing — and I’ll do mine. Am I wrong to feel this way? — Anx­ious

Dear Anx­ious: You are not “wrong” to feel this way, but I do be­lieve that you should try to re­spect your hus­band’s choices re­gard­ing his daugh­ter. You should work with your ther­a­pist to come up with strate­gies to deal with this, both be­fore­hand and on the day. Please try to see your hus­band’s ex not as his for­mer spouse, but as a griev­ing par­ent. This is a one-time oc­cur­rence, hap­pen­ing on one day, and then it will be over.

You be­ing qui­etly sup­port­ive from the back­ground — and then qui­etly ex­it­ing on the day might be a good so­lu­tion for every­one.

Dear Amy: I’m con­fused at your la­bel­ing “Still Shocked” as “mod­est and con­ser­va­tive” be­cause she ob­jected to “Rhonda” dis­play­ing her breasts at a pub­lic din­ner ta­ble.

You don’t have to be mod­est or con­ser­va­tive to know what’s ap­pro­pri­ate in a pub­lic set­ting with peo­ple you don’t even know. Just say­ing. — Reader Dear Reader: I hear you.

To­day’s Cryptoquip: Hard, metal­lic chem­i­cal el­e­ment uti­lized abun­dantly by old Rus­sian au­to­crats: czar-co­nium.

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