Finally, a keg of crackers worth a happy dance for Mike
This is how much my wife loves me: Last week she bought me 12 pounds of crackers.
That’s a keg of crackers, folks, and a lot of love. Fortunately for me, I get to show her how much I love her on our next anniversary by purchasing her 12 pounds of something, probably diamonds. Crackers for me, diamonds for her. That sounds about right.
But these aren’t just any crackers, these are absolutely the best crackers in the history of crackers. They’re called “CheeseCrisps,” allnatural sourdough squares of cheddar and asiago, and they’re made by a New Jersey company called John Wm. Macy’s Cheesesticks. I have no idea why Mr. Macy abbreviates his middle name — I think he should change it to John “Yummy” Macy’s CheeseCrisps — or why there is no space between the words “cheese” and “crisp.”
It doesn’t matter, though, because these crackers are just that dadgummed good. But here is the problem: Costco used to carry the crackers and every time we’d shop there, I’d grab a bag. They’re a bit pricey, around $8 for a 22-ounce bag, but we both liked them so much that it seemed every time we went to Costco, we would come home with more. One bag, then two and so on until the minimum numbers of bags we’d get on each visit would be four. And they’d last all of about four hours once we got them home. They’re so good that people from the neighborhood would see us carrying LQ DUPORDGV RI WKH FUDFNHUV DQG fiYH minutes later, somebody would be knocking at our door saying, “Hey, can I borrow a wheel barrel full of these CheeseCrisps?”
And then one day, Costco ran out of CheeseCrisps. For weeks and weeks, every time we’d shop at Costco, I’d mope over to where the display used to be and … nothing. And then I’d mope around the Costco going from tasting station to tasting station looking for CheeseCrisps. It was a pathetic display of mopery.
Even when I wasn’t on the Costco shopping excursion, I’d have The Blonde Accountant send me a text message on whether the CheeseCrisps had been restocked.
Nothing. Nada. Squadoosh. For months and months.
And then one night last week, I was standing in the kitchen looking for a snack and The Blonde Accountant came into the room sporting a big smile, her hands behind her back. “Guess what I found?” she said. It had been so long since we’d had CheeseCrisps, that they weren’t DPRQJ Py fiUVW IHw JuHVVHV. 6KH then pulled her hands from behind her back and presented me with a 4.5-ounce box of CheeseCrisps.
Now don’t get me wrong, I was happy to once again have CheeseCrisps on which to snack. And certainly the reappearance of the crackers after such a long absence was enough for me to spontaneously break into the “Snoopy Happy Dance” right there in the kitchen.
But a 4.5-ounce box of CheeseCrisps compared to a 22-ounce bag of CheeseCrisps? I can stick my whole face in a 22-ounce bag and with one deep breath, inhale 4.5-ounces of CheeseCrisps. (I believe that if John Wm. Macy marketing department employees were a savvy bunch, they would put me in the ad campaign with my face buried in a 22-ounce bag of CheeseCrisps.)
What’s more, The Blonde AcFRuQWDQW GLGQ’W HYHQ fiQG WKH FUDFNers at Costco, she found them at a department store. And she got the last two boxes the store had. Further research on the John Wm. Macy website — www.cheesesticks.com — reveals that Costco is currently the company’s only customer for the 22-ounce bags of CheeseCrisps.
“This product is currently offered regionally in the U.S. and Canada for limited time periods determined by Costco’s snack buyers,” the Macy website states. “We would rather have our CheeseCrisps available year-round. If they are not currently available in your local Costco, please let them know how much you’d liked to see this product back in stock.”
Which means the next time you pick up the paper, check the police briefs. If there is an item in there about a 53-year-old male tackling a Costco snack buyer to the ground in the Montgomeryville store and shouting “Where are the bleepin’ CheeseCrisps you hack!” you’ll know the backstory.
Being the good wife that she is, The Blonde Accountant saw my delight at being presented a small box of CheeseCrisps — which by the way I did indeed inhale in about three minutes — and immediately got on the John Wm. Macy website and made the order for a whole bunch of bags or crackers totaling 12 pounds.
By the time you read this, the tractor-trailer will have backed into my driveway and dumped the crackers in front of my garage. If you are driving by my house, please do not stop and ask for any CheeseCrisps because I will not share them. Go buy your own truckload.
Believe me, these crackers … are all they’re cracked up to be.
Mike Morsch is executive editor of Montgomery Media and author of the book, “Dancing in My Underwear: The Soundtrack of My Life.” He can be reached by calling 215-542-0200, ext. 415 or by email at firstname.lastname@example.org. This column can also be found at www. montgomerynews.com.