Man stuck in the ‘friend zone’

DEAR AMY >> I am a 27-year- old straight man. My closest male friends are all married or engaged. I can count on one hand the number of friends and same-age relatives I have who are not in committed, long-term romantic relationships.

I can’t shake the feeling I will never find a long-term partner. I’ve always heard, and believe, that the best relationships grow out of friendships.

I’ve had a good deal of relationships before, some explicitly casual and a few that burned like fireworks, but I’ve never had the experience of “being friends first.” I have no idea how that would work.

I feel like I’ve passed the stage of life where relationships can grow organically out of friendships. It’s unusual for me to meet a peer who is single, let alone a single peer with whom I potentially share a deep compatibility.

Even if I did, I’m afraid of misreading it or messing it up. Last February, I asked a friend out on a date while trying to make clear that I hoped we remained friends, either way. She politely declined but has avoided me ever since, and I feel guilty for having put her in an awkward situation.

So, during the pandemic, I’m taking some “time off” to work on myself. This raises the question, what am I working toward?

Since most romantic media, fictional or instructive, is geared toward women, I feel like I have no reference point to judge my experience against.

I’m not worried about running out of women to date, but think I’m getting things wrong.

Any thoughts?

— Always a Groomsman

DEAR GROOMSMAN >> I think you might be misunderstanding the whole “friends become lovers” storyline. Yes, it’s great when Harry and Sally can have a slow-burning friendship that gradually ignites into a great love. But this is not necessarily the norm. “Lovers become friends” is how many couples experience the dynamic.

The most important relationship you will ever have is the one you have with yourself.

When you “work on yourself,” your goal should be to find new ways to experience the satisfaction (and joy) of liking — and loving — the man you are, with or without a partner.

When you’re ready, the way to meet a potential partner is to put yourself out there — telling friends and family members that you’d like to be fixed up, and, of course, using technology to match with women who are also looking. You should use these meetups to continue to thoughtfully work on yourself. We are all works in progress, and the work is never done.

I agree that connecting with other men is vital. There are a lot of magazines, websites and blogs designated especially for men; do some research to see which might offer content that appeals to you.