Partner locked in shame cycle

DEAR AMY >> Lately,

I have been doubting myself in every aspect of my life.

I am always sad.

I am working on my teaching certification and I cannot get myself to open my laptop and work.

My boyfriend is amazing, yet I always find something to argue about.

I get very upset over nothing.

Yesterday he said he’s losing interest in me because I always find something to argue about.

I was annoyed at him because I sent a photo of the two of us to him and told him to post it on Facebook.

He got upset. He has not posted anything of us on social media since we started dating over a year ago.

When he was in another relationship, he would post photos of his ex- girlfriend all the time.

I wonder if I’m not good enough? I’ve always been a confident person, however with him I feel insecure.

— Lost

DEAR LOST >> I assume you ordered your boyfriend to post a photo of you because you are insecure and grasping at straws. You are also testing him and forcing him into a corner. You seem locked into a shame cycle. Picture a compass with these points: Negative thoughts, negative feelings, negative self-worth, destructive behavior, leading to negative consequences, which leads right back to negative thoughts, etc.

Your behavior — being sad, argumentative, procrastinating, and doubting yourself at every turn — are all indicators of depression.

You cannot help being depressed, but you must do everything possible to deal with it. See your physician right away and ask for a referral to a therapist.

This might not be the right time for you to be in a relationship, in part because you are acting out in anger, which affects your boyfriend’s self-worth, as well as yours.

You acknowledge your negative behavior (good for you), but now you should really commit to working on yourself.

With treatment, you will gain insight, strength, and tools to cope.

DEAR READERS >> In a recent column, I answered a question from “Bit,” who had regular contact with an aggressive dog. In my response, I quoted a dog behaviorist who advised anyone in this situation to “Act like a tree.”

Yesterday, as I was jogging up a country road, a very large dog bounded up to me, barking and snarling.

I remembered the advice, and stopped, stood very still with my hands at my sides, and did not make eye contact. The dog quickly lost interest.

I share this because I want readers to understand that I am growing, changing, and “learning new tricks,” just like you are.