Daugh­ter’s high-risk hobby wor­ries mom

The News & Observer (Sunday) - - Weather - BY CAROLYN HAX Email Carolyn at tellme@wash­post.com or chat with her on­line at noon ET each Fri­day at www.wash­ing­ton­post.com.

Dear Carolyn: My daugh­ter was re­cently in­jured in a sky­div­ing ac­ci­dent and had surgery on a ver­te­bra in her back; she sky­dives for fun and has more than 200 jumps and loves it.

How do I tell her the risks are too high – she has chil­dren – and she shouldn’t con­tinue sky­div­ing? She’s de­ter­mined to go again as soon as she is re­cov­ered. Scared Mom

Dear Mom: You don’t get to tell other adults how to live their lives. You don’t even get to tell other adults how not to throw their lives out of an air­plane.

Not even adults who have chil­dren, and not even if you’re the par­ent of the adult in ques­tion.

It is sim­ply not your busi­ness. The showi­ness of the risk in­volved with your daugh­ter’s hobby of choice does not change this fun­da­men­tal truth. You have no more say in her choices than if her idea of fun were quilt­ing or Scrab­ble or cheese.

You don’t have to like this, ei­ther, or think it’s smart, or re­spon­si­ble, or even mo­ral. All that’s re­quired is to rec­og­nize adult au­ton­omy is a com­plete an­swer unto it­self.

You can, how­ever, tell her you’re scared, be­cause that’s about you. (But she knew that 200 jumps ago, I as­sume.)

You can tell her you’re dis­ap­pointed in her de­ci­sion to keep adding this risk to her life know­ing it could trau­ma­tize her kids, since that’s your opin­ion and there­fore about you. I would cau­tion against this, though, as a poor use of your emo­tional cap­i­tal: Given that she’s (pre­sum­ably) go­ing to ig­nore you and sky­dive any­way, voic­ing your opin­ion would strain your re­la­tion­ship with her for zero prac­ti­cal gain.

You can also tell her you would like to talk about any ar­range­ments she has made for the chil­dren in the event of her death – specif­i­cally whether these plans in­volve you in any way.

Dear Carolyn: Is it morally jus­ti­fied, on prin­ci­ple, for those who in­vite adults to wed­dings to ex­clude chil­dren, un­be­knownst to their solid char­ac­ter and re­spon­si­ble ac­tions? My child is an an­gel and would be a great part of any wed­ding pro­ces­sion. Anony­mous

Dear Anony­mous: Good thing your ques­tion was short, be­cause I’ve now read it six times in one of my worst in­stances of the­matic rub­ber­neck­ing, and the last thing I need is a three-hour backup of let­ters be­hind me.

Not invit­ing your child to a wed­ding is im­moral. You ba­si­cally just said that. To an­swer the ques­tion you asked, yes, it is morally jus­ti­fied for hosts to throw a party just for adults.

Newspapers in English

Newspapers from USA

© PressReader. All rights reserved.