No need to fume over Zoom boom

How do you explain showing up late for a Zoom meeting when working at home?

“Got caught in traffic, sorry.”

A feline domestic dispute erupted just outside my home office door. I had to separate the critters, put the aggressor in time out, and give the victim a treat.

Sometimes it's a human domestic dispute.

She Who Is and I are temporarily living with just one working bathroom. We are in our mid-50s. Side trips to the bathroom pop up when you get up to do something else. Time your beam-in to Zoom too close, and spousal contention over access and rights of way can cause an attempted last-minute exit for a splash-and-dash to delay your morning commute.

Don't expect anybody to wait for you. Five minutes is a long time to wait on Zoom. And when you do click in late, it feels like all eyes are on you — because they literally are.

Are you Zoomed out? I had 16 Zoom sessions last week, all church related meetings, plus Facebook Live for Sunday worship, on top of one, two or a few other video meetings for work.

It all blurs — including my face.

Dang these devices. The camera on my laptop computer focuses on the wall of books behind me. I'd use my smartphone, but the microphone on it is terrible.

The idiosyncrasies of all these devices and apps are wearing me out. I use the laptop to Zoom and my smartphone for Facebook Live, getting around the microphone issue with the mic on my earbuds cord.

Did you understand all that? Do you need to call personal home tech support? Who is that? Mine left me years ago.

Hope you're enjoying yourself, Chris, with your

“family” and “work” in “Texas.” Dang son-in-law.

I kid. I kid to keep from cryin' sometimes. In that spirit, here are a few funnies about Zooming, found sprinkled around the internet:

Me: This show is boring. Boss: Again, this is a Zoom conference.

I showed up late for a Zoom meeting. You wouldn't believe the network traffic. (I like my heavy traffic better).

I thought being early to a real life party was awkward. Then I joined a Zoom meeting early and was the only. one. there. (Zoomed there, done that!)

That two-second period between saying goodbye and ending or leaving a Zoom meeting: my new most awkward social moment. (The longest two seconds of the day.)

Those are awful. This one is, too, but I've seen it with my own four eyes:

1 p.m.: Waiting for host so start meeting.

1:06: Zoomies discover virtual backgrounds. Mirth ensues

1:07: Someone struggles with audio.

1:09: “Let me try headphones.”

1:10: Everyone holds up their cats.

1:15 to 1:25: Actual meeting time.

1:30. “Stay safe!”

That last thing. And when you're out and about, wear a mask. Thank you.