How Donald could Trump weekend’s nationwide ‘March for Our Lives’

Remarks prepared by the White House press office to be delivered by President Donald Trump on the tarmac after landing at Palm Beach International Airport on Friday for a weekend visit.

It’s great to be back in Florida. Up north, it was a little stormy ...

(DON’T TRY REACHING FOR MELANIA’S HAND)

... but the weather here is beautiful as usual, and we’re looking forward to a very productive weekend.

As you all know, I have been the only elected leader in America who isn’t afraid to stand up to the folks at the National Rifle Association, who are, by the way, some really great people. Terrific people.

(DON’T SAY THAT VLADIMIR PUTIN IS ALSO TERRIFIC)

Under my bold leadership, we are looking at a variety of issues regarding gun violence — particularly Muslim and undocumented immigrant gun violence. And, of course, Crooked Hillary gun violence, should that occur. And I’m hearing from some very knowledgeable people that it already is.

(DON’T CALL ATTORNEY GEN. JEFF SESSIONS “A DISGRACE”) Stay tuned. Sad!

We inherited a very bad problem with mental illness in this country. Schizophrenia. Bipolar disorder. CNN. Chronic depression.

(DON’T MENTION NARCISSISTIC PERSONALITY DISORDER)

These are problems we will be addressing. And unfortunately, we also have some very bad people — and believe me, I know bad people.

(DON’T MENTION STEVE BANNON OR YOUR RUSSIAN COUNTERPARTS IN THE TRUMP SOHO DEAL)

Some folks have been trying to turn the American carnage of gun violence into a call for specific actions, such as to ban the sale of assault weapons and high-capacity magazines, while establishing mandatory background checks on purchases.

And these troublemakers will be out protesting Saturday in hundreds of poorly attended “March for Our Lives” events across America, including some 56 events right here in Florida.

It may look like millions of people. But it’s fake news. Witch

march!

These failed street marches have been instigated by the students of Marjory Stoneman Douglas High School in Parkland. And while I want to congratulate them for their activism, I think it’s only fair to say ...

(DON’T CALL THESE KIDS “TOOLS OF THE DEEP STATE”)

... that they don’t have access to the same information I have.

(DON’T MENTION LATENIGHT PHONE CALL ADVICE FROM SEAN HANNITY)

Only I can address the issue of gun violence in this country, and I will get to it very, very, quickly, as soon as I deal with other more pressing issues.

(DON’T SAY THAT MEXICO WILL PAY FOR THE WALL)

So I won’t be participating in the fake-march “March for Our Lives” on Saturday. While these loser Americans will be wasting their Saturdays on the street, I will be raising awareness to a much more important issue.

I call it “Putt for Our Lives.”

As you know, I am in terrific physical shape. Best physical shape ever of any American president.

(BE CAREFUL. STORMY DANIELS MAY HAVE PHOTOS)

You don’t get to look this good without spending an enormous amount of time on the golf course. In just 14 months since my election, I have made 96 outings to golf courses, according to TrumpGolfCount.com

I don’t do this for me. I do this for you. Playing golf allows me to be at my very best when I’m off the course making cold calls to foreign leaders, changing economic policy on a whim, or negotiating nondisclosure agreements with everybody who has ever worked or slept with me.

So sometime on Saturday, between my busy schedule of watching “Fox & Friends” in the morning and “Justice with Judge Jeanine” at night, I will take to the links once again at Trump International Golf Course near West Palm Beach to spend hours hitting balls and riding a cart around the course with a small, select group of lucky people who will remain anonymous.

You don’t have to be a scholar ...

(DON’T SAY “TRUMP UNIVERSITY GRADUATE”)

... to know that this is way more important than participating in some low-energy, tiny street march — nothing like my campaign rallies in Wisconsin — over some issue that I’ve already addressed, or will very soon, once I confer again with those terrific people at the NRA, who would never think of kneeling during the national anthem.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, the first lady and I will be heading to Mar-a-Lago.

(GET TO CAR FIRST SO MELANIA DOESN’T LOCK YOU OUT)