Mid­dle of a feud

The Record (Troy, NY) - - YOUR DAILY BREAK - Send your ques­tions for An­nie Lane to dear­an­nie@cre­ators.com. An­nie Lane

DEAR AN­NIE » Last sum­mer, my grand­daugh­ter “Emily” got mar­ried. Her mother, “Angie” ( my daugh­ter), lives in the same town as Emily and said I could stay with her while I was in town. About a week be­fore the wed­ding, Angie and Emily had a big fall­ing- out. Emily told me she wasn’t al­low­ing Angie to come to the wed­ding.

I talked to Emily for a long time and per­suaded her to let her mother and step­fa­ther at­tend the wed­ding. On the day of the wed­ding, we were not seated where the bride’s fam­ily was sup­posed to sit. We had to sit a row back, as a sym­bolic ges­ture. Then my grand­daugh­ter had the best man come and get me and take me back to the dress­ing room. She asked me whether I would sit in the fam­ily sec­tion. We dis­cussed this for a while, and I fi­nally said OK. I was taken back into the chapel and seated in the front row, in front of my daugh­ter and the rest of the fam­ily.

When the ser­vice was over, Angie and her hus­band were not al­lowed to go to the re­cep­tion, so I didn’t go, ei­ther. When we got back to Angie’s home, she wouldn’t even talk to me. My son- in- law told me it would prob­a­bly be bet­ter if I went and spent the night else­where. I tried to ex­plain why I had sat where I did, but Angie wouldn’t even lis­ten to any­thing I said. She has not spo­ken to me or an­swered any let­ters I have sent her since. I’ve apol­o­gized many times, but she re­fuses to talk.

I love my daugh­ter very much, but I also love my grand­daugh­ter. I was try­ing to do what I thought was right by them both. My grand­daugh­ter talks to me all the time, but my daugh­ter won’t have any­thing to do with me.

How can this be re­solved so that my daugh­ter and I can be on good terms again? I am 79 years old, and my daugh­ter is 60.

— Heart­bro­ken Mother and Grand­mother

DEAR HEART­BRO­KEN MOTHER AND GRAND­MOTHER» You didn’t cause this prob­lem, and you can’t fix it. It can be re­solved only when your daugh­ter de­cides to stop be­ing vin­dic­tive. She is us­ing you as an emo­tional punch­ing bag be­cause of the is­sues she’s hav­ing with her own daugh­ter.

What you’ve done so far — ex­plain­ing your side of the story, ex­press­ing your love — is more than enough. Now all you can do is hope she drops the at­ti­tude. In the mean­time, do keep up your re­la­tion­ship with your grand­daugh­ter, but be care­ful that she’s not us­ing you to up­set her mom. Don’t be a pawn in this petty game.

DEAR­AN­NIE » I have read many sto­ries in your col­umn of peo­ple go­ing through di­vorce or deal­ing with the fall­out. There is an or­ga­ni­za­tion called Divorce­Care, which offers help for th­ese peo­ple to heal from their pain. I’ve been there. I know it works. Peo­ple need to give it a chance. You can find classes by go­ing to https:// www. divorce­care. org. — Sin­gle Again

You didn’t cause this prob­lem, and you can’t fix it. It can be re­solved only when your daugh­ter de­cides to stop be­ing vin­dic­tive. She is us­ing you as an emo­tional punch­ing bag be­cause of the is­sues she’s hav­ing with her own daugh­ter.

DEAR SIN­GLE AGAIN » I’m sure some of my read­ers reel­ing from the pain of di­vorce will ap­pre­ci­ate this tip. Thank you.

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