No ques­tion about it: It’s time now for the An­swer Man

The Standard Journal - - COMMENTARY - By Dick Yar­brough Guest Colum­nist

Hey, what time is it, boys and girls? It is time for An­swer Man! The show that gives you the straight skinny to what­ever has you be­witched, both­ered and be­wil­dered. An­swer Man is so con­fi­dent in his re­sponses that he of­fers a money-back guar­an­tee. If you are dis­sat­is­fied in any way with An­swer Man’s replies, just send him your bank ac­count in­for­ma­tion, your most re­cent tax re­turn and a copy of your So­cial Se­cu­rity num­ber. An­swer Man will take care of the rest.

To­day’s an­swers have been ver­i­fied by Bar­ney Funk and Porter Wag­nalls. Any re­broad­cast, re­trans­mis­sion or re­but­tal of to­day’s col­umn with­out the ex­pressed writ­ten con­sent of The Yar­brough World­wide Me­dia and Pest Con­trol Com­pany, lo­cated in Greater Garfield, Ge­or­gia, is pro­hib­ited and is likely to get you sprayed with Piper­onyl Bu­tox­ide by Ju­nior E. Lee, the firm’s gen­eral man­ager and a pest con­trol pro­fes­sional. Let’s take our first ques­tion.

Dear An­swer Man: While I was do­ing my pa­tri­otic duty and kneel­ing Sun­day af­ter­noon, some­one stole my bling, my bag of weed, my un­reg­is­tered gun and drove off in my Lam­borgh­ini. I guess I need to re­port this. Any sug­ges­tions? — Buster Buck­et­head

Dear Buster: What­ever you do, don’t call the po­lice. They are not your friend, re­mem­ber? I would re­port it to the Na­tional Foot­ball League Play­ers As­so­ci­a­tion or to some bleed­ing-heart lib­eral and see what they sug­gest. They seem to have all the an­swers. Be­sides, the po­lice are prob­a­bly busy sav­ing some un­ap­pre­cia­tive jerk’s life as we speak.

Dear An­swer Man: We are tired of a cer­tain colum­nist pick­ing on us be­cause we want to use state tax dol­lars for pri­vate school schol­ar­ships. Our rich con­stituents feel they shouldn’t have to pay taxes for pub­lic schools they don’t use. What do you think? — De­ter­mined In­trepid Pub­lic Servants.

Dear DIPS: I had never thought of it that way. Please give me time to mull over this novel con­cept. In the mean­time, I am go­ing to try to get my tax dol­lars back for all the roads in Ver­mont I don’t use and for any of my taxes that go to fund the Sec­re­tary of Ed­u­ca­tion in the Trump Ad­min­is­tra­tion. Is this a great coun­try or what?

Dear An­swer Man: I hear you have crit­i­cized the Trump Ad­min­is­tra­tion. You couldn’t get elected a dog catcher in Ge­or­gia. I am go­ing to build a wall around At­ta­pul­gus and make you pay for it be­cause my IQ is higher than yours. Fake news! You’re fired! — A pee-oh’d POTUS

Dear P.O.: Not to quib­ble, sir, given that you have the su­pe­rior IQ, but our dog catch­ers aren’t elected in Ge­or­gia. They are ap­pointed. The dogs don’t seem to care one way or the other. As for the good folks in At­ta­pul­gus, if it would keep out car­pet­bag­gers who think we South­ern­ers talk funny and marry our third cousins, they would prob­a­bly wel­come the wall. Sorry I can’t un­der­write it, though. Fake news doesn’t pay as much as you might think.

Dear An­swer Man: I think you are a Clin­ton-lov­ing, big gov­ern­ment, bed-wet­ting lib­eral. What do you say to that? — An­gry White Guy

Dear A.W.G.: Dang. You are very ob­ser­vant. I didn’t think it showed.

Dear An­swer Man: I think you are a Rush Lim­baugh-lov­ing, red-necked male chau­vin­ist pig. What do you say to that? — An­gry White Woman

Dear A.W.W.: Dang. You are very ob­ser­vant. I didn’t think it showed.

Dear An­swer Man: I un­der­stand you are back to driv­ing af­ter an ab­sence of sev­eral months. Have you no­ticed any changes on our roads? — Luther from Luthersville

Dear Luther: Yes, I am back on the high­ways. And, no, not much has changed. I am pleased to say the Hi-Yo Hitchens Ini­tia­tive re­mains in force. As you may re­call, that was a ground­break­ing piece of leg­is­la­tion spon­sored by Rep. Bill Hitchens, R-Rin­con, that de­clares no mat­ter how fast you are go­ing, say warp speed, and some­one comes up be­hind you at, say warp speed times two, you must move over or be cited by the po­lice for some­thing other than go­ing warp speed. Things seem to be work­ing as in­tended, ex­cept when a semi breaks the sound bar­rier.

Well, boys and girls, that’s all the time we have to­day. Be sure and tune in same time next week when our topic will be what squir­rels and Cal­i­for­nia have in com­mon. Hint: Think nuts.

You can reach Dick Yar­brough at dick@dick­yarbrough.com; at P. O. Box 725373, At­lanta, GA 31139 or on Face­book at www.face­book.com/dick­yarb.

Dick Yar­brough

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