The man of her dreams ... ex­cept for one lit­tle thing.

The Washington Post Sunday - - ARTS & STYLE - CAROLYN HAX

ev­ery­thing I’ve al­ways wanted, but who never ac­tu­ally makes that ges­ture, sounds like a night­mare to me.

Ad­mit your un­hap­pi­ness, then see how far he’s will­ing to go to ad­dress it. Your best fu­ture is the one you choose from there. Your choices: agony now, or tor­ture Hi as far Carolyn as the eye can see.

My best friend re­cently con­fided that he’s think­ing of propos­ing to his girl­friend. They’ve been dat­ing only about eight months and she is his first girl­friend. I’ma lit­tle­wor­ried here!

I seem to re­mem­ber you say­ing that ap­prox­i­mately two years should give some­body enough in­for­ma­tion about their part­ner to make a de­ci­sion. I tend to agree, butmy friend sees an­other whole year of dat­ing as a “waste of time.” Any strate­gies for mak­ing the case to him to col­lect some more data?

Toronto

I’d rather make the case for your butting out. Maybe his pro­posal is pre­ma­ture, but maybe it isn’t— and, even if it is, it’s his mis­take to make.

That said, “Frus­trated,” above, makes a stel­lar first-per­son ar­gu­ment for wait­ing till nov­elty yields to fa­mil­iar­ity— thus the “ two years” ad­vice. Read the whole tran­script or join the dis­cus­sion live at noon Fri­days at

Hi, Carolyn:

I’men­gaged to the man ofmy dreams. He’s gor­geous, re­ally bril­liant, lovesmy fam­ily, and lovesme un­con­di­tion­ally. I knowyou’re­wait­ing for it, and here it is ... HOW­EVER, he is not in­ti­mate. He loves cud­dling, snug­gling and hold­ingmy hand, but he doesn’t ever get in the mood to have sex. When I ask him about it, he says he’s tired or not in the mood. He is tak­ing an­tide­pres­sants for his anx­i­ety, but only re­cently. This predica­ment has been go­ing on for 21/ years; the first six months of our

2 re­la­tion­ship­were sex-filled and great.

I’ve tried many times to get him revved up, but he’s just not into it. It’s not like I’m unattrac­tive, ei­ther! Be­fore I met him, my fa­vorite thing­was mak­ing out. NowI never seem to make out with any­thing more than a quick peck from him. Even whenwe shower to­gether hewants out as fast as pos­si­ble. It’s like he doesn’t even see me.

We are on the same page­when it comes to our opin­ions, money, likes/dis­likes ... we al­ways are think­ing the same thing. But when it comes to be­ing in­ti­mate, it’s just not there. Iwant to marry him, but I don’t want to be that “once a year” kind of cou­ple. Is it me? Help!

Frus­trated

It’s not you, it’s your fi­ance— but if/when you marry him with­out re­solv­ing this, then it’s on you. Com­pletely.

You feel bad, you have iden­ti­fied the source of the prob­lem, and you have tried var­i­ous so­lu­tions. 1-2-3. If you haven’t moved to 4 by plainly stat­ing, “I can’t marry some­one who doesn’t touch me the way I want to be touched,” then you’re do­ing your­self a life-size dis­ser­vice. Him, too. No one (no one healthy, that is) wants a frus­trated spouse.

So, if you’re hav­ing trou­ble form­ing the words in his pres­ence, then try adopt­ing this as your silent mantra: “He is the man ofmy night­mares.” I can’t speak for you, ob­vi­ously, but to go through life along­side some­one who is per­pet­u­ally one ges­ture away from giv­ing me

www.wash­ing­ton­post.com/dis­cus­sions. Write to Tell Me About It, Style, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, or

tellme@wash­post.com.

NICK GAL­I­FI­ANAKIS FOR THE WASHINGTON POST

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