Week 1132: You and what army? Mil­i­tary fic­toids

The Washington Post Sunday - - DIVERSIONS -

The U.S. Navy’s bluish cam­ou­flage is de­signed so that sailors who fall over­board will blend in. (Jeff Con­tom­pa­sis, 2015)

Gen. Am­brose Burn­side was aided greatly in Civil War plan­ning by his largely for­got­ten as­sis­tant, Col. Wen­dell Soul­patch. (Mal­colm Fleschner, 2011) Dur­ing World War II, a se­cret U.S. Army sur­vey iden­ti­fied 4,389 athe­ists in fox­holes. (Bob Dal­ton, 2007)

It’s time once again to bring forth a new set of lies for our read­ers (why should cam­paign cov­er­age have all the fun?). We’ve had “un­real facts” con­tests about politi­cians, history, movies, medicine, sports, cars and just what­ever. Now here’s another lane on the Dis­in­for­ma­tion Su­per­high­way, cour­tesy of sug­gester Jeff Con­tom­pa­sis: This week: Give us some com­i­cally bo­gus trivia about the mil­i­tary, past or present, ours or theirs, as in the ex­am­ples above; the sec­ond and third are from pre­vi­ous In­vite fic­toid con­tests, one all-pur­pose and the other for history.

Win­ner gets the Inkin’ Me­mo­rial, the bob­ble­head of the statue of Com­man­der in Chief Lin­coln that is the of­fi­cial Style In­vi­ta­tional tro­phy. Sec­ond place re­ceives, cour­tesy of Not Even a Loser Mary M. Han­lon, a cud­dly pair of foamy-soft toy Pee and Poo toys, de­signed in Swe­den; the for­mer is bright yel­low and teardrop (uh-huh)-shaped; the lat­ter is brown and vaguely con­i­cal. Both have eyes with sort of hang­dog ex­pres­sions. (Wouldn’t you?)

Other run­ners-up win their choice of a yearned-for Loser Mug or the ar­dently de­sired “Whole Fools” Grossery Bag. Hon­or­able men­tions get a lusted-af­ter Loser mag­net de­signed by Bob Staake: ei­ther “The Wit Hit the Fan” or “Hardly HarHar.” First Of­fend­ers re­ceive a smelly tree-shaped air “fresh­ener” (FirStink for their first ink). E-mail en­tries to losers@wash­post.com or, if you were born in the 19th cen­tury, fax to 202-334-4312. Dead­line is Mon­day night, July 20; re­sults pub­lished Aug. 9 (online Aug. 6). You may sub­mit up to 25 en­tries per con­test. In­clude “Week 1132” in your e-mail sub­ject line or it might be ig­nored as spam. In­clude your real name, postal ad­dress and phone num­ber with your en­try. See con­test rules and guide­lines at wapo.st/in­vrules. The head­line for this week’s re­sults is by Tom Witte; the hon­or­able-men­tions sub­head is by Jeff Con­tom­pa­sis. Join the lively Style In­vi­ta­tional Devo­tees group on Face­book at on.fb.me/in­vdev. “Like” the Style In­vi­ta­tional Ink of the Day on Face­book at bit.ly/inkof­day.

3THE STYLE CON­VER­SA­TIONAL The Em­press’s weekly online col­umn dis­cusses the new con­test and re­sults. This week: Losers col­lab­o­rate on an im­prmptu par­ody of “Hal­lelu­jah” about peas in gua­camole. Check it out at wapo.st/style­conv.


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