The ro­tary club: hon­or­able men­tions

The Washington Post Sunday - - DIVERSIONS -

Con­grat­u­la­tions CI­CADAs: the coolest way to be no­ti­fied that you’ve been ac­cepted to MIT. (Judy Blan­chard, Novi, Mich.) AIDA CI­CADA: Pres­sured into an evening at the opera or bal­let? This lit­tle gem dis­creetly broad­casts ESPN Sports Ra­dio into your ear­bud. (Barry Koch, Catlett, Va.) Are you a fussy, squea­mish house­keeper? The mi­cro-grips on a CI­CADA can han­dle even the small­est roach — and keep it steady and ash-free right at the toker’s lips. (Rob Huffman, Fred­er­icks­burg) Are you para­noid about some­one steal­ing your PIN at the ATM and con­stantly check for peo­ple be­hind you? With CI­CADAs around, now you can be re­ally, re­ally para­noid. (Ward Kay, Vi­enna) Birds and bees do it, but not nec­es­sar­ily right af­ter your ob­nox­ious neigh­bor washes his Mercedes. Just fill up your Drop­Shot drone with a mayo-rel­ish mix­ture and send him a spe­cial tweet. (Kevin Dopart, Washington) CI­CADAs are amaz­ing tech­nol­ogy. I mean, you could stick some­thing in an en­ve­lope, hand it to the drone and have it in the re­cip­i­ent’s hands — no mat­ter where in the coun­try they live — in a mat­ter of days. Where else could you get ser­vice like that? (Danielle Nowlin) Now, he­li­copter par­ents can do it lit­er­ally. (Judy Blan­chard) De­ploy bil­lions of CI­CADAs in geosyn­chronous or­bit over the hole in the ozone layer. Prob­lem solved! Now, was that so hard? (Kyle Hen­drick­son, Fred­er­ick) Equipped with nee­dles and ink, a CI­CADA swarm could make a great tat­too of a CI­CADA swarm. (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase) Guar­an­teed Seder fun when a plague of techno-lo­custs de­scends on your guests! For the grand fi­nale, they re­group and do their part as the Red Sea. (Kevin Dopart) Have them au­to­mat­i­cally po­si­tion them­selves to block the view of the larger gov­ern­ment drone that’s been fol­low­ing you around. (Ben Aronin, Washington) CI­CADAs could de­liver your adopted baby right to your door — call it heir mail. (Judy Blan­chard) I call upon the Navy to de­ploy hun­dreds of CI­CADAs, with mi­cro­cam­eras, ev­ery day in Loch Ness un­til I am fi­nally vin­di­cated. (Kyle Hen­drick­son) Selfie-sticks are so 2014. (Ward Kay) The di­rec­tor of the new Broad­way pro­duc­tion says CI­CADAs will re­place the bluebirds ar­rang­ing Cin­derella’s ball gown: “They’re eas­ier to train and don’t leave drop­pings.” (John McCooey, Re­hoboth Beach, Del.; Amy Harris, Char­lottesville) In the fu­ture, when houseflies are ex­tinct, we can train them to eat poop and spread dis­ease. (Mark Raffman, Re­ston) Mat­tel can mar­ket the in­ter­ac­tive Drone Pi­lot Barbie Play­set — look out, Un-Amer­i­can-look­ing Amer­i­can Girl dolls! (Kevin Dopart) I’ve been work­ing on a plan to out­fit a swarm of mi­cro-drones with loops of fish­ing line. They’ll be pro­grammed to catch squir­rels in my neigh­bor’s yard and then fly around with them at 15 feet while play­ing mu­sic from old science fic­tion films. The fly­ing saucer cas­ings might be too much. (David Fried­man, Ar­ling­ton) Now, kids, Santa WILL see you when you’re sleep­ing and know when you’re awake. (Doug Frank, Crosby, Tex.) Soon they’ll make the HICKADA: It’s a mi­cro-drone that just sits in the front yard on tiny cin­der blocks. (War­ren Tan­abe, An­napo­lis)

The New Eng­land Pa­tri­ots are al­ready at work adding drone tech­nol­ogy into foot­balls for in­flight guid­ance to re­ceivers. (Jon Gearhart, Des Moines) The Seekah 380® finds your golf ball no mat­ter how deep the rough. The Chee­tah 480 EVL® finds it and nudges it back into the fair­way. (Jeff Ha­zle, Wood­bridge) TV can fi­nally show the “ball’s-eye view” of a pitch thrown at 95 mph and then knocked over a fence. And with the CI­CADA hooked on the side, a curve­ball will RE­ALLY curve. (Todd De­Lap, Fair­fax) Video surgery! You say you’re caught in a re­mote crevice like James Franco in “127 Hours” and hes­i­tate to am­pu­tate your leg be­cause you’re afraid of bleed­ing to death? Just make one quick call and a CI­CADA will be on its way to your crevice, pro­ject­ing a video on the rocks to show you how to safely sever your limb in 22 easy steps! (Neal Stark­man, Seat­tle) Try as I could, I can­not think of a way CI­CADAs can help the Red­skins win. (Todd De­Lap) Given what ev­ery­one else wants them for, I just hope CI­CADAs are al­lowed to fly for only a few weeks once ev­ery 17 years. (Ken Gallant, Con­way, Ark.) Still run­ning — dead­line Mon­day night, July 13: Our con­test for ways to re­pur­pose cer­tain sur­plus items. See bit.ly/ in­vite1131.

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As if a crib doesn’t have enough al­ready: The Pee & Poo toys.

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