The rotary club: honorable mentions
Congratulations CICADAs: the coolest way to be notified that you’ve been accepted to MIT. (Judy Blanchard, Novi, Mich.) AIDA CICADA: Pressured into an evening at the opera or ballet? This little gem discreetly broadcasts ESPN Sports Radio into your earbud. (Barry Koch, Catlett, Va.) Are you a fussy, squeamish housekeeper? The micro-grips on a CICADA can handle even the smallest roach — and keep it steady and ash-free right at the toker’s lips. (Rob Huffman, Fredericksburg) Are you paranoid about someone stealing your PIN at the ATM and constantly check for people behind you? With CICADAs around, now you can be really, really paranoid. (Ward Kay, Vienna) Birds and bees do it, but not necessarily right after your obnoxious neighbor washes his Mercedes. Just fill up your DropShot drone with a mayo-relish mixture and send him a special tweet. (Kevin Dopart, Washington) CICADAs are amazing technology. I mean, you could stick something in an envelope, hand it to the drone and have it in the recipient’s hands — no matter where in the country they live — in a matter of days. Where else could you get service like that? (Danielle Nowlin) Now, helicopter parents can do it literally. (Judy Blanchard) Deploy billions of CICADAs in geosynchronous orbit over the hole in the ozone layer. Problem solved! Now, was that so hard? (Kyle Hendrickson, Frederick) Equipped with needles and ink, a CICADA swarm could make a great tattoo of a CICADA swarm. (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase) Guaranteed Seder fun when a plague of techno-locusts descends on your guests! For the grand finale, they regroup and do their part as the Red Sea. (Kevin Dopart) Have them automatically position themselves to block the view of the larger government drone that’s been following you around. (Ben Aronin, Washington) CICADAs could deliver your adopted baby right to your door — call it heir mail. (Judy Blanchard) I call upon the Navy to deploy hundreds of CICADAs, with microcameras, every day in Loch Ness until I am finally vindicated. (Kyle Hendrickson) Selfie-sticks are so 2014. (Ward Kay) The director of the new Broadway production says CICADAs will replace the bluebirds arranging Cinderella’s ball gown: “They’re easier to train and don’t leave droppings.” (John McCooey, Rehoboth Beach, Del.; Amy Harris, Charlottesville) In the future, when houseflies are extinct, we can train them to eat poop and spread disease. (Mark Raffman, Reston) Mattel can market the interactive Drone Pilot Barbie Playset — look out, Un-American-looking American Girl dolls! (Kevin Dopart) I’ve been working on a plan to outfit a swarm of micro-drones with loops of fishing line. They’ll be programmed to catch squirrels in my neighbor’s yard and then fly around with them at 15 feet while playing music from old science fiction films. The flying saucer casings might be too much. (David Friedman, Arlington) Now, kids, Santa WILL see you when you’re sleeping and know when you’re awake. (Doug Frank, Crosby, Tex.) Soon they’ll make the HICKADA: It’s a micro-drone that just sits in the front yard on tiny cinder blocks. (Warren Tanabe, Annapolis)
The New England Patriots are already at work adding drone technology into footballs for inflight guidance to receivers. (Jon Gearhart, Des Moines) The Seekah 380® finds your golf ball no matter how deep the rough. The Cheetah 480 EVL® finds it and nudges it back into the fairway. (Jeff Hazle, Woodbridge) TV can finally show the “ball’s-eye view” of a pitch thrown at 95 mph and then knocked over a fence. And with the CICADA hooked on the side, a curveball will REALLY curve. (Todd DeLap, Fairfax) Video surgery! You say you’re caught in a remote crevice like James Franco in “127 Hours” and hesitate to amputate your leg because you’re afraid of bleeding to death? Just make one quick call and a CICADA will be on its way to your crevice, projecting a video on the rocks to show you how to safely sever your limb in 22 easy steps! (Neal Starkman, Seattle) Try as I could, I cannot think of a way CICADAs can help the Redskins win. (Todd DeLap) Given what everyone else wants them for, I just hope CICADAs are allowed to fly for only a few weeks once every 17 years. (Ken Gallant, Conway, Ark.) Still running — deadline Monday night, July 13: Our contest for ways to repurpose certain surplus items. See bit.ly/ invite1131.
As if a crib doesn’t have enough already: The Pee & Poo toys.