Quipped from the head­lines: Re­port from Week 1141

The Washington Post Sunday - - DIVERSION - BY PAT MY­ERS

Week 1141 was our peren­nial Mess With Our Heads con­test, in which you chose a real head­line from that week’s Post and wrote a bank head, or sub­ti­tle, that either mis­in­ter­prets the orig­i­nal head or com­ments wryly on it. Great re­sults, as al­ways.

4th place

How first lady can avoid a dress flap Aides sug­gest she drop de­signer Dr. Den­ton (Pie Snel­son, Sil­ver Spring)

3rd place

A no-brainer on Syria Palin weighs in on Mideast con­flict (Dun­can Stevens, Vi­enna)

2nd place and Mr. Tea In­fuser:

Bush’s un­fa­mil­iar po­si­tion: un­der­dog Trans­planted aza­lea withers from warm, yel­low wa­ter­ing (Rob Wolf, Gaithers­burg)

And the win­ner of the Inkin’ Me­mo­rial

Amid pomp and cir­cum­stance, a shep­herd tends his flock ‘Quit play­ing Far­mVille on your phone — they’re about to call you up for your diploma!’ friend mut­ters to class­mate (Danielle Nowlin, Fair­fax Sta­tion)

Bank re­serves: hon­or­able men­tions

Ben Car­son says a Mus­lim shouldn’t be pres­i­dent And Mus­lims say Ben Car­son shouldn’t be pres­i­dent (Neal Stark­man, Seat­tle; Gre­gory Koch, Falls Church) Stocks close down on growth con­cerns Colo­nial Wil­liams­burg re­moves replicas be­cause ‘fat tourists keep get­ting their arms caught’ (Mark Raffman, Re­ston) Tortorella to coach U.S. squad in Cup Em­bar­rassed play­ers wish he would put more clothes on (Bren­dan Beary, Great Mills)

The be­gin­ning of Trump’s end? That would be right on top of his neck (Jon Gearhart, Des Moines) Is­raeli su­per­model wanted a nofly zone for her wed­ding All male guests had to wear yoga pants, kilts (Sylvia Betts, Van­cou­ver, B.C.) Carly Fio­r­ina sub­dued in vic­tory lap af­ter de­bate Po­lice al­lege “she looked black” (Stephen Lit­terst, Ne­wark, Del.) ‘I’ve tried three wheels be­fore, but not two. I’m a lit­tle ner­vous.’ Brie ad­dict strug­gles to re­duce daily cheese con­sump­tion (Roy Ashley, Wash­ing­ton) Can­di­dates on both sides bash­ing China Sen­ate Din­ing Room spat be­tween San­ders, Cruz turns into platethrow­ing brawl (Rob Co­hen, Po­tomac) When dat­ing in your 40s, is it bet­ter to be di­vorced or never mar­ried? Ex­perts agree that, yes, mar­ried peo­ple shouldn’t be dat­ing (Christo­pher Thorpe, San Fran­cisco) Cul­ture of reprisals against whistle­blow­ers Dis­grun­tled fans rou­tinely toss stuff at refs (Bev­er­ley Sharp, Mont­gomery, Ala.) At de­bate, many can­di­dates spell out their strat­egy on Iran ‘B-O-M-B’ (Gary Crock­ett, Chevy Chase) Wash­ing­ton Post hon­ored at food jour­nal­ist con­fer­ence Pa­per edges Times of Lon­don in cov­eted Fish & Chip Wrap­ping cat­e­gory (John McCooey, Re­hoboth Beach, Del.) Md. man ‘touched ev­ery­one’s hearts’ Out-of-con­trol sur­geon per­formed un­wanted, in­va­sive pro­ce­dures (Re­bekah Bun­dang, Vi­enna, a First Of­fender)

Groupon to shed 1,100 jobs Com­pany-wide e-mail ti­tled ‘10% off!’ wasn’t best way to break the news, ex­ecs say (Bren­dan Beary)

White House picks florist ‘Ha, now you know how we feel,’ say Rose Gar­den in­hab­i­tants (Danielle Nowlin) Doesn’t get any eas­ier for Vir­ginia Tyke to be told there is no Easter Bunny (Mark Raffman) Metro nears new deal to keep cell­phone users con­nected Rid­ers will be able to call the of­fice to say they’re stuck on the Red Line again (Bren­dan Beary) GOP hope­fuls spell dread for fed­eral em­ploy­ees Only 3 for­got to in­clude the silent A (Neal Stark­man) How to make 2016 the year of the tomato Trump urges GOP to re­cruit women can­di­dates with ‘huge per­sonas’ (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.) Cop­per re­turns as an agent in the bat­tle against re­silient bac­te­ria Of­fi­cer McGruff says: ‘Take a bite out of grime’ (Jeff Con­tom­pa­sis, Ash­burn) A look ahead at Wed­nes­day’s Mass Af­ter Tues­day’s ban­quet, Christie pre­dicts 5-lb. gain (Rick Haynes, Ocean City) Ama­zon an­nounces new $50 tablet ‘Am­a­teurs,’ scoffs pill-gouger Martin Shkreli (Bren­dan Beary) An­other dis­ap­point­ing trans­porta­tion meet­ing Metro seat­mate turns out not to be soul mate for 7,653rd con­sec­u­tive morn­ing (Danielle Nowlin)

Name the panda Elvis CIA re­veals Bin Laden’s cryp­tic last words (Frank Osen) Num­ber of unin­sured fell steeply last year Owner of free Novo­cain clinic lost con­trol on dou­ble-di­a­mond ski slope (Gary Crock­ett) Obama is now let­ting U.S. telecom car­ri­ers go to Cuba Coun­try told to ex­pect in­staller be­tween 8 a.m. and 6 p.m. next Tues­day (Roger Dal­rym­ple, Get­tys­burg, Pa.) On Les­bos, end­less waves of boats and fears of a more treach­er­ous voy­age U.S. gov­ern­ment slow to aid be­cause sen­a­tors can­not say ‘Les­bos’ with­out giggling (Bird

War­ing, Larch­mont, N.Y.)

Over­due praise for the line Clas­sic ‘Would you like to come up and see my etch­ings?’ gets new life in tat age (Mae Scan­lan, Wash­ing­ton) Pa­pal visit to Wash­ing­ton will start in sum­mer, end in fall Psy­chics agree that pon­tiff’s first Seg­way out­ing won’t fare well (David Gar­ratt, Sil­ver City, N.M.) Pope meets with Fidel Cas­tro, urges Cubans to ‘serve peo­ple,’ not ideas ‘Soy­lent Verde’ pol­icy un­veiled (Bird War­ing) To min­i­mize lum­ber dam­age, quickly get rid of wa­ter In­fec­tions from chron­i­cally full blad­ders can spread to nearby parts (Jeff Con­tom­pa­sis)

Too much time be­hind bars Ted Dan­son re­grets early TV ca­reer (Mark Raffman) Wait­ing hours and hours for a joyous few sec­onds ‘Din­ner and a movie’ re­tains its ro­man­tic util­ity (Elden Car­na­han, Lau­rel) With to­day’s of­fenses, reach­ing triple dig­its doesn’t look quite as im­pos­si­ble Ir­ri­tated Belt­way driv­ers grow­ing ex­tra mid­dle fin­gers to adapt (Danielle Nowlin) First com­mute goes well at Sil­ver Spring Tran­sit Cen­ter ‘To­mor­row we’ll try a sec­ond pas­sen­ger,’ of­fi­cials vow (Dun­can Stevens)

Get ready for three-on-three ‘Man-man-woman mar­ry­ing man­man-dog is next,’ San­to­rum warns (Chris Doyle, Pon­der, Tex.) U.S. sees op­por­tu­nity for mil­i­tary gains against ISIS in Syria Wishes ev­ery­one luck with that, changes chan­nel (Mike Con­na­han, Alexandria) Still run­ning: Dead­line Mon­day night, Oct. 19: Our con­test to give a brand name a bet­ter use. See bit.ly/in­vite1144.

Newspapers in English

Newspapers from USA

© PressReader. All rights reserved.