It’s about time some­one at­tacked Aus­tralia

The Washington Post Sunday - - SUNDAY OPINION - DANA MILBANK Twit­ter: @Milbank

Pres­i­dent Trump is fi­nally fol­low­ing through on his prom­ise to Make Amer­ica Safe Again. He has be­gun our long-over­due at­tack on Aus­tralia. The pres­i­dent gave Aus­tralian Prime Min­is­ter Mal­colm Turn­bull (who is a to­tal fail­ure!) a good chew­ing out last week, telling him a refugee agree­ment be­tween the two coun­tries was the “worst deal ever,” call­ing their con­ver­sa­tion the “worst call” and abruptly end­ing the ex­change 25 min­utes into what was sup­posed to be an hour-long talk. It was clear from ac­counts of the talk that Trump thinks Turn­bull is al­most as much of a bas­ket case as the Mex­i­can guy Trump yelled at the week be­fore.

Failed pres­i­den­tial can­di­date John McCain fired off a con­trary state­ment, say­ing that Aus­tralian sol­diers have been fight­ing and dy­ing with Amer­i­cans for a cen­tury (in­clud­ing in Viet­nam, where the loser McCain was shot down while Trump hero­ically bat­tled heel spurs) and that “the U.S.-Aus­tralia re­la­tion­ship is more im­por­tant than ever.”

But there are many times Aus­tralia did not put Amer­ica First, in­clud­ing the sum­mer Olympics in Rio, where the crooked Aus­tralian bas­ket­ball team al­most beat Team USA. Not good!

There are a lot of bad dudes Down Un­der, and for years, Aus­tralia has been send­ing them to Amer­ica. They sent third-rate Air Sup­ply, which has NO TAL­ENT. “Lost in Love”? Pa­thetic. And Mel Gib­son — a dope! Olivia New­ton-John: highly over­rated — and that “Grease” re­union she’s plan­ning will be a TO­TAL EM­BAR­RASS­MENT. Crocodile Dundee is a true lowlife, and Nemo is a dumb clown­fish. SAD!

Amer­i­cans have been get­ting killed in trade with the Aus­tralians. The dual-flush toi­let, which Aus­tralia in­vented, is do­ing a ter­ri­ble job, par­tic­u­larly when you hit the but­ton for No. 1. The “selfie,” an Aus­tralian coinage, was one of the worst ideas in his­tory, along with the spork, which they also came up with. Big-league mess! Vegemite — no, it’s too dis­gust­ing. And they have the most hor­ri­ble an­i­mals. Their snakes are VI­CIOUS killers, and they have a bird-eat­ing taran­tula. Nasty! The cas­sowaries are BRU­TAL, and their kan­ga­roos are at­tack­ing in­no­cent dogs. Aus­tralian car­nage!

And then there’s Out­back Steak­house — to­tal dud! The Bloomin’ Onion with Aussie Cheese Fries has al­most 2,400 calo­ries. So what if the com­pany is based in Florida? It’s a big prob­lem!

It’s about time a strong Amer­i­can leader showed some an­tipa­thy to­ward the An­tipodes.

The morn­ing af­ter Wash­ing­ton took out Can­berra, I awoke to dis­cover that while I slept Trump had taken more mea­sures to Make Amer­ica Safe Again.

He tweeted that “Iran has been for­mally PUT ON NO­TICE.” He did not say what this no­tice means, likely be­cause he was busy get­ting ready for the Na­tional Prayer Break­fast, which pro­vided an ob­vi­ous op­por­tu­nity to launch two more at­tacks, on his old re­al­ity show “The Ap­pren­tice” (“a to­tal dis­as­ter”) and its new host, Arnold Sch­warzeneg­ger (“pray for Arnold”).

I was mo­men­tar­ily puz­zled: Why go from a fully jus­ti­fied at­tack on Aus­tralia to the ay­a­tol­lahs and then to Arnold and “The Ap­pren­tice”? Then the bril­liance of Trump’s strat­egy came into fo­cus: He is tak­ing an al­pha­bet­i­cal ap­proach to Mak­ing Amer­ica Safe Again. I know this as a fact be­cause I used Trump’s own method of log­i­cal de­duc­tion: I think it, ergo it’s true.

If I am cor­rect, which I am, peo­ple in Bel­gium should be very ner­vous right now and con­sider flee­ing to France, or, bet­ter yet, the Nether­lands, which is al­pha­bet­i­cally fur­ther along (but avoid Am­s­ter­dam).

An­other “B” who should be wor­ried is Harold Born­stein, Trump’s physi­cian, who last week ca­su­ally dis­closed that Trump takes the anti-bald­ness drug fi­nas­teride, or Prope­cia. Side ef­fects of fi­nas­teride in­clude im­po­tence, weak­ness, dizzi­ness and swelling of the hands. It can­not be known whether Trump has suf­fered these, though he has clearly not been af­flicted with any en­large­ment of the hands. In ad­di­tion, some claim there is a Post-Fi­nas­teride Syn­drome, which can in­clude “se­vere mem­ory/re­call im­pair­ment,” “slowed thought pro­cesses” and “im­paired prob­lem solv­ing, de­creased com­pre­hen­sion.” Thank­fully, Trump has never ex­hib­ited any of these symp­toms.

My al­pha­bet the­ory, which is to­tally cor­rect, does not ex­plain other early hap­pen­ings in the Trump ad­min­is­tra­tion, such as down­grad­ing of the chair­man of the Joint Chiefs of Staff and the CIA di­rec­tor in na­tional-se­cu­rity de­ci­sions, or the raid in Ye­men, which led to the killing of a Navy SEAL and some civil­ians. Mil­i­tary of­fi­cials told Reuters the op­er­a­tion was ap­proved with­out suf­fi­cient in­tel­li­gence, sup­port or backup.

But all will be re­vealed in time — Ye­men at the end, with the Y’s.

On Fri­day morn­ing, Trump’s tweets were still A’s: an­ar­chists, and more on Arnold, “The Ap­pren­tice” and the ay­a­tol­lahs. But he backed off from his bel­liger­ence to­ward Ocea­nia, claim­ing the talk with Turn­bull was re­ally “very civil” and the “me­dia lied.”

No! Don’t go wob­bly, Don­ald. Re­mem­ber the Vegemite!

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