The floor show: Our win­ning ‘bills’

The Washington Post Sunday - - DIVERSIONS - BY PAT MY­ERS

In Week 1210, our bi­en­nial “joint leg­is­la­tion” con­test, the usual pool of fresh­men had shrunk even fur­ther in the 115th Congress, forc­ing the Em­press to pad the list with the full lo­cal del­e­ga­tions plus a smat­ter­ing of other in­cum­bents. As al­ways, some folks in the Loser Com­mu­nity submit­ted name com­bi­na­tions that sounded like phrases only in the en­trants’ al­ter­na­tive-minds: Sorry, but no­body will read “Dem­ings-Arrington” as “the Mings are in town.” The bills that fol­low are much clearer, but just in case you can’t fig­ure one out, you can look it up: See the list of win­ners with an “an­swer key”; it’s at in­vite1214-key. (Pro­nun­ci­a­tion tips: Has­san is pro­nounced like Has­son; Ki­huen is “kee when”; Crist rhymes with “fist.”) 4th place The Barr-Crist-Mast-Ten­ney-Young-Brat Act to re­vi­tal­ize the Lumps of Coal in­dus­try (Paul Jack­son, Mal­abar, Fla, a First Of­fender)

3rd place The Byrne-Norton-Cor­rea Res­o­lu­tion ad­vo­cat­ing a pre­emp­tive strike on Py­ongyang (John Glenn, Tyler, Tex.)

2nd place and the Capi­tol Dome squeeze “ball”: The Biggs-Esty-Yoder Mas­cu­line Fra­grance Pro­mo­tional Act (Ann Martin, Falls Church)

And the win­ner of the Inkin’ Me­mo­rial: The Dunn-Tay­lor-Yoder-King bill re­quir­ing truth in on­line dat­ing pro­files (Amy Har­ris, Char­lottesville)

De­plorabills: honor­able men­tions The Barr-King-Ba­con pro­posal to re­strict ge­netic en­gi­neer­ing on an­i­mals (G.T. Bow­man, Falls Church)

The Brown-Hice Amend­ment to warn of some­thing, in ad­di­tion to yel­low snow, that no­body should eat (Mark Raffman, Re­ston; Steve Of­futt, Ar­ling­ton)

The Hice-Ten­ney-Hoyer res­o­lu­tion to re­quire a daily greet­ing for the House Demo­cratic whip (Ira Allen, Bethesda; Jack McB­room, Fort Val­ley, Va.)

The Law­son-Dunn Re­peal of Ev­ery­thing Obama Did (Jesse Frankovich, Lans­ing, Mich.)

The Biggs-Norton res­o­lu­tion call­ing for in­ves­ti­ga­tion of Trump’s “snif­fles” (Pam Sweeney, Burling­ton, Mass.)

The Car­son-David­son-Fer­gu­sonJohn­son-Law­son-Simp­son Clean Heir Act (Pete Morelewicz, Fred­er­icks­burg, Va.)

The Got­theimer-King Act au­tho­rizes the DEA to find out what “merk­ing” is and put an end to it (War­ren Tan­abe, An­napo­lis)

The Has­san-Ten­ney-John­son bath­room equal­ity bill to sup­port trans­gen­der rights (Danielle Nowlin, Fair­fax Sta­tion)

The Dunn-Beyer-Brat-Ten­neyBa­con Ini­tia­tive for Health­ier Chil­dren’s Di­ets (Daniel Galef, Mont­clair, N.J.)

The Young-Yoder More Pre­quels You Must Make Act (Michael Rolfe, Cape Town, South Africa)

The Mur­phy-Law­son-Hill Act to en­sure that any leg­is­la­tion that can go wrong will go wrong (Gor­don Cobb, Ma­ri­etta, Ga.)

The Has­san-Esty-Yoder Act to rec­og­nize Your Mama (Jeff Shirley, Rich­mond)

The Mar­shall-Dunn bill to al­low drain­ing of the Ever­glades (Mar­leen May, Rockville)

The Khanna-Lee-Con­nolly Civi Rights Act to con­demn ho­mo­pho­nia (John McCooey, Re­hoboth Beach, Del.)

The Brown-Crist-Mast-Cum­mings Cli­mate Change Adap­ta­tion Act (Dud­ley Thomp­son, Cary, N.C.)

The Esty-Duck­worth-Khanna-Budd-Hice Com­mis­sion to study barter pat­terns in ru­ral Amer­ica (John Hutchins, Sil­ver Spring)

The Hill-Gaetz-Norton-Dunn Res­o­lu­tion for Congress to do

some­thing use­ful (Jesse Frankovich)

The Mar­shall-Law­son-Crist-Mast

It doesn’t smell: Our prize tur­tle made of dried ma­nure.

Act to win the war on that hol­i­day, once and for all (Mark Raffman)

The Beyer-Dunn-Ki­huen-Young bill to sup­port Fu­ture Farm­ers of Amer­ica (Sarah Jay, Churchville, Md.)

The Rush-Beyer-Banks bill merg­ing Quicken Loans and driv­ethrough bank­ing (Deb Ste­wart, Da­m­as­cus, Md.)

The Sch­nei­der-Brat-Dunn Act to change the own­er­ship of the Wash­ing­ton Red­skins (Dun­can Stevens, Vi­enna, Va.)

The Ross-Has­san-Tenny-Hice Act to study global warm­ing ef­fects on the Antarc­tic Mud Shelf (Jeff Con­tom­pa­sis, Ash­burn, Va.)

The Lewis-Bar­ra­gan Pro­vi­sion to Re­stock the House Cham­ber with Toi­let Pa­per (Jesse Frankovich)

The Khanna-Beyer-Young-Brat Rot­ten-Child Traf­fick­ing Sup­port Act (Gor­don Cobb)

The De­laney-Byrne Act des­ig­nat­ing knee pads as “fem­i­nine med­i­cal de­vices” un­der Trump­care. (Dave Airozo, Sil­ver Spring)

The Budd-Has­san-Hice-Rush Le­gal­ize It Al­ready bill, a.k.a. Joint Res­o­lu­tion 420 (Nan Reiner, Boca Raton, Fla.)

The Dunn-King-Hoyer Act to es­tab­lish a Ge­orge­town University bas­ket­ball schol­ar­ship (Holly Saun­ders, Bethesda, a First Of­fender)

The Barr-Dunn-King bill to pro­hibit wa­ter­board­ing — or if that won’t pass, to at least re­duce cof­fee stains on neck­ties (Rob Cohen, Po­tomac; G.T. Bow­man)

The Budd-Hollingsworth Act es­tab­lish­ing min­i­mum wages for Cly­des­dale horses (Roy Ash­ley, Wash­ing­ton)

The Byrne-Budd Joint Leg­is­la­tion for the Leg­is­la­tion of Joints (Pete Morelewicz)

The Po­lis-Raskin-Yoder-Rush-Car­son-Hill Res­o­lu­tion, en­dors­ing the ef­forts of D.C. po­lice to make traf­fic near the Capi­tol move more ef­fi­ciently. (John Glenn)

The Biggs-Car­son-John­son Dec­la­ra­tion, ex­plain­ing how Huma Abe­din knew the photo was of An­thony (Wil­liam Verkuilen, Brook­lyn Park, Minn.)

The Con­nolly-Es­pail­lat-Gal­lagher-Hollingsworth-Mar­shall-Mitchell-O’Halleran-Van Hollen bill to tell the pres­i­dent to go two-L (Bill Verkuilen)

The Dunn-Barr-King Act to Send Fido to a Nice Farm Up­state (David Smith, Alexan­dria)

The Dunn-Masto-Ba­con Act to Au­to­mat­i­cally Shut Off Tyler’s In­ter­net at Night (Jesse Aron­son, Ar­ling­ton, a First Of­fender)

The Kr­ish­namoor­thi-Smucker-Rooney bill that doesn’t re­ally do any­thing but is fun to say. (Steve Of­futt)

Still run­ning — dead­line Mon­day night, Feb. 13: our “punku” pun­haiku con­test. See in­vite1213.


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