Inau­gur Alchemy: A speech re­jig­gered

The Washington Post Sunday - - DIVERSIONS - BY PAT MY­ERS

In Week 1214 we in­vited you to pluck some of the 1,400-odd words from the new­est pres­i­dent’s in­au­gu­ral ad­dress and re­ar­range them to make some wildly fake quotes, or any other writ­ing. Many of the en­tries of­fered lines from an alt-in­au­gu­ral speech. The Em­press thanks Loser Gary Crock­ett for run­ning the fi­nal en­tries through a val­ida­tor he pro­grammed to catch any in­el­i­gi­ble words (he did find a few).

4th place

“I will be a just and rea­son­able pres­i­dent to all of our ci­ti­zens: Amer­i­cans on the right, Amer­i­cans on the far right, Amer­i­cans on the rad­i­cal right, and Amer­i­cans striv­ing to tran­si­tion to the right or who prom­ise to do so in an oath of to­tal al­le­giance. Not so much to peo­ple in poverty, peo­ple from Wash­ing­ton, D.C., or any­one to the left of Pres­i­dent Bush.” (John Hutchins, Sil­ver Spring)

3rd place

What is it like to be a Wash­ing­ton Na­tional? Many vic­to­ries through­out the years, but never win­ning the Big One. With each his­toric fail, mis­eries and carnage. So much un­re­al­ized prom­ise! Men, your time for suc­cess is now — it must be! Be­cause in two years, when the mag­nif­i­cent young power fel­low in right leaves to be­come very rich in an­other city, we will have to re­build. (Mark Raffman, Re­ston)

2nd place and the tur­tle fig­urine made from cow ma­nure:

“What is go­ing on? There are no peo­ple here. Did I get the time right — or is it to­mor­row? There should be many peo­ple here. Many, many peo­ple! It is too empty!


“I can­not ac­cept this! Here is a dif­fer­ent re­al­ity:

“Tril­lions and tril­lions of peo­ple as­sem­bled for my cer­e­mony.” (Elaine Le­d­er­man, Stras­burg, Va., a First Of­fender)

And the win­ner of the Inkin’ Memo­rial:

“Thank you, Chief Jus­tice, stand there for a mo­ment. Peo­ple! Did you get a good look at this old Bible? Lift it for us. What is up with that, by the way? Is it from the Good­will? It’s, like, all brown and to­tally in dis­re­pair. Flush it and get a mag­nif­i­cent new one with a lit­tle shine — ex­pense it! All right, you can salute, Roberts. Now, out of here!” (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.)

Ad­dress­ing down: hon­or­able men­tions

“I prom­ise you, we will erad­i­cate all other coun­tries from the face of the earth. Right here and right now, we will trans­fer all other coun­tries to space, and the Amer­i­can peo­ple will be the rulers of the world for many, many years to come, with love to guide us along the way.” (Mae Scan­lan, Wash­ing­ton)

“I do not want this job. Bring back Pres­i­dent Obama and first lady Michelle Obama right now.” (Kevin Met­tinger, War­ren­ton, Va.)

“My ad­min­is­tra­tion will build tun­nels from Ne­braska to Detroit, put high­ways in the ocean, and fill D.C. with leaves. What for? I do not think it mat­ters. We will have a good time do­ing it.” (Dun­can Stevens, Vi­enna, Va.)

“In the new Amer­ica I de­cree, all women will be young and beau­ti­ful tens.” (Wil­liam Ken­nard, Ar­ling­ton)

“Thank you, Michelle and Pres­i­dent Obama, it’s good to be here right now, be­cause back at your home, at great ex­pense, I have a group of for­eign women do­ing a cer­e­mony that has in­fused your old room with an ocean of not very pleas­ant body by-prod­ucts.” (Frank Osen)

“Take a look at th­ese hands! No way, no how are women com­plain­ing about what I bring to the party, I can tell you that.” (Chris Doyle, Den­ton, Tex.)

“On the left and the right, have no fear, Yes, the time of our friend­ship is near, We can love and not fight, It will all be just right, When we do the good drugs I have here.” (Mark Raffman)

“Pres­i­dent Obama, you are mag­nif­i­cent. Your tri­umphs will be re­mem­bered. Pres­i­dent Bush left many, many chal­lenges and hard­ships for you and your vic­to­ries and tri­umphs will not be for­got­ten. There is no room for prej­u­dice in Amer­ica. Your courage and good­ness left Amer­ica strong. Thank you.” (Julie Kehrli, Alexan­dria, a First Of­fender)

“Can we talk? The first lady is con­stantly com­plain­ing about this small liv­ing space. Hon­estly, it has po­ten­tial. I want to re­build it into the likes of which the world has never seen be­fore. Un­der­stand — not any­thing too much, merely glo­ri­ous and mag­nif­i­cent.” (Drew Ben­nett, West Plains, Mo.)

Across Amer­ica, tens of mil­lions now face great pain from the suc­cess of a small, un­stop­pable group that no one likes. Their vic­to­ries are stolen, and right­eous peo­ple dream of a time when we will be free from the mis­eries of their win­ning, over and over again. I

speak, of course, about the Pa­tri­ots. (John Hutchins)

The Pa­tri­ots are win­ning so much now. A to­tal suc­cess. But who likes th­ese peo­ple? No one! They are just like small women to us. Sad. (Mary Kap­pus, Wash­ing­ton)

Pres­i­dent Carter, Pres­i­dent Clin­ton, Pres­i­dent Bush and Pres­i­dent Obama as­sem­bled:

“Should we tell the new one about our spe­cial group? That we get to­gether all the time and en­joy our­selves?”

“Do we have to? We will have to con­stantly hear com­plain­ing about how we let the na­tion fail, but ‘THIS ad­min­is­tra­tion will re­build and have Amer­ica thrive again.’ ”

“Hon­estly, it’s not very gra­cious, is it?”

“Get this: Michelle and I did not flush when we left!” (Hildy Zam­pella, Falls Church)

And Last: Trump en­ters The Style In­vi­ta­tional:

“Ev­ery­one but you will think this is great. Only you stand in the way of my tri­umph. But you are not a right­eous lady. For too long you have de­prived me of vic­tory. I will be for­got­ten no longer. The Amer­i­can peo­ple are look­ing for you to tell the pub­lic that I win! Un­der­stand, my win­ning is a MUST.” (Drew Ben­nett)

Still run­ning — dead­line Mon­day night, March 13: our con­test to com­bine two busi­nesses and name the re­sult. See in­vite1217

Stick this to your win­dow and you’ll at least look like a Loser.

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