Inaugur Alchemy: A speech rejiggered
In Week 1214 we invited you to pluck some of the 1,400-odd words from the newest president’s inaugural address and rearrange them to make some wildly fake quotes, or any other writing. Many of the entries offered lines from an alt-inaugural speech. The Empress thanks Loser Gary Crockett for running the final entries through a validator he programmed to catch any ineligible words (he did find a few).
“I will be a just and reasonable president to all of our citizens: Americans on the right, Americans on the far right, Americans on the radical right, and Americans striving to transition to the right or who promise to do so in an oath of total allegiance. Not so much to people in poverty, people from Washington, D.C., or anyone to the left of President Bush.” (John Hutchins, Silver Spring)
What is it like to be a Washington National? Many victories throughout the years, but never winning the Big One. With each historic fail, miseries and carnage. So much unrealized promise! Men, your time for success is now — it must be! Because in two years, when the magnificent young power fellow in right leaves to become very rich in another city, we will have to rebuild. (Mark Raffman, Reston)
2nd place and the turtle figurine made from cow manure:
“What is going on? There are no people here. Did I get the time right — or is it tomorrow? There should be many people here. Many, many people! It is too empty!
“IS ANYONE HERE???
“I cannot accept this! Here is a different reality:
“Trillions and trillions of people assembled for my ceremony.” (Elaine Lederman, Strasburg, Va., a First Offender)
And the winner of the Inkin’ Memorial:
“Thank you, Chief Justice, stand there for a moment. People! Did you get a good look at this old Bible? Lift it for us. What is up with that, by the way? Is it from the Goodwill? It’s, like, all brown and totally in disrepair. Flush it and get a magnificent new one with a little shine — expense it! All right, you can salute, Roberts. Now, out of here!” (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.)
Addressing down: honorable mentions
“I promise you, we will eradicate all other countries from the face of the earth. Right here and right now, we will transfer all other countries to space, and the American people will be the rulers of the world for many, many years to come, with love to guide us along the way.” (Mae Scanlan, Washington)
“I do not want this job. Bring back President Obama and first lady Michelle Obama right now.” (Kevin Mettinger, Warrenton, Va.)
“My administration will build tunnels from Nebraska to Detroit, put highways in the ocean, and fill D.C. with leaves. What for? I do not think it matters. We will have a good time doing it.” (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.)
“In the new America I decree, all women will be young and beautiful tens.” (William Kennard, Arlington)
“Thank you, Michelle and President Obama, it’s good to be here right now, because back at your home, at great expense, I have a group of foreign women doing a ceremony that has infused your old room with an ocean of not very pleasant body by-products.” (Frank Osen)
“Take a look at these hands! No way, no how are women complaining about what I bring to the party, I can tell you that.” (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.)
“On the left and the right, have no fear, Yes, the time of our friendship is near, We can love and not fight, It will all be just right, When we do the good drugs I have here.” (Mark Raffman)
“President Obama, you are magnificent. Your triumphs will be remembered. President Bush left many, many challenges and hardships for you and your victories and triumphs will not be forgotten. There is no room for prejudice in America. Your courage and goodness left America strong. Thank you.” (Julie Kehrli, Alexandria, a First Offender)
“Can we talk? The first lady is constantly complaining about this small living space. Honestly, it has potential. I want to rebuild it into the likes of which the world has never seen before. Understand — not anything too much, merely glorious and magnificent.” (Drew Bennett, West Plains, Mo.)
Across America, tens of millions now face great pain from the success of a small, unstoppable group that no one likes. Their victories are stolen, and righteous people dream of a time when we will be free from the miseries of their winning, over and over again. I
speak, of course, about the Patriots. (John Hutchins)
The Patriots are winning so much now. A total success. But who likes these people? No one! They are just like small women to us. Sad. (Mary Kappus, Washington)
President Carter, President Clinton, President Bush and President Obama assembled:
“Should we tell the new one about our special group? That we get together all the time and enjoy ourselves?”
“Do we have to? We will have to constantly hear complaining about how we let the nation fail, but ‘THIS administration will rebuild and have America thrive again.’ ”
“Honestly, it’s not very gracious, is it?”
“Get this: Michelle and I did not flush when we left!” (Hildy Zampella, Falls Church)
And Last: Trump enters The Style Invitational:
“Everyone but you will think this is great. Only you stand in the way of my triumph. But you are not a righteous lady. For too long you have deprived me of victory. I will be forgotten no longer. The American people are looking for you to tell the public that I win! Understand, my winning is a MUST.” (Drew Bennett)
Still running — deadline Monday night, March 13: our contest to combine two businesses and name the result. See bit.ly/ invite1217
Stick this to your window and you’ll at least look like a Loser.