Just-Not-So Sto­ries: Crit­ter cre­ation

The Washington Post Sunday - - DIVERSIONS - BY PAT MY­ERS

In Week 1230, we ex­panded on a Twit­ter thing from a while back in which a Cre­ator plans one bi­o­log­i­cal od­dity or an­other. Most fre­quent among them in this week’s en­try­sphere: the platy­pus and Don­ald Trump. 4th place AN­GEL: So what’s up with the nar­whal? GOD: It’s a whale on a stick. AN­GEL: But why? GOD: Ev­ery­thing’s bet­ter on a stick. (Bird War­ing, Larch­mont, N.Y.)

3rd place Cre­at­ing black widow spi­ders: GOD: The fe­male will be a beau­ti­ful glossy black with a fetch­ing red hour­glass fig­ure on her ab­domen. AN­GEL: Splen­did — how lovely the males and fe­males will look to­gether! Will they mate for life? GOD: Well, sorta . . . (Rob Huff­man, Fred­er­icks­burg, Va.)

2nd place and the plush strep throat mi­crobe: Cre­at­ing the rab­bit: GOD: I’ll make it look like a furry lit­tle meat­loaf with a wig­gly nose and big floppy ears. DEVIL: And I’ll spread ru­mors that its am­pu­tated limbs bring you good luck. (Joe Neff, War­ring­ton, Pa.)

And the win­ner of the Inkin’ Me­mo­rial: Cre­at­ing the pi­geon: GOD: We need to dis­cour­age false idols. AN­GEL: How about cre­at­ing a bird that eats stat­ues? GOD: Let’s use the other end. (Drew Bennett, West Plains, Mo.)

South of Eden: hon­or­able men­tions Cre­at­ing the cat: GOD: Let’s see . . . four legs, soft fur, long tail, and a pleas­ant, oddly com­fort­ing rumbly sound when it’s happy. AN­GEL: Sounds great. Where does it live? GOD: In­side. No — out­side. In­side. Def­i­nitely in­side. Wait . . . out­side. Just leave the door open. (Molly El­iz­a­beth Haws, Martinez, Calif., a First Of­fender)

Pine tree:

GOD: Hey, what if in­stead of leaves, we had nee­dles and cones and stuff and they stayed green all year? That’d be cool. AN­GEL: Mar­ket­ing says peo­ple will chop them down and drag them in­side at Christ­mas. GOD: What the. . . Why . . . never mind. Make the nee­dles re­ally sharp, and have them fall out, like, the day af­ter the tree’s chopped down. That should stop ’em. (Duncan Stevens, Vi­enna, Va.)

Mam­moth: CRE­ATOR: Giant hose nose needs to be cuter. Make it fluffy. LA­BOR: It’ll run way too hot that way. CRE­ATOR: Then turn the tem­per­a­ture down. LA­BOR: But . . . the bio­sphere! CRE­ATOR: Fluffy hose noses. (David Fried­man, Santa Clara, Calif.)

Cen­tipede: GOD: Start with a worm. Give it 20 legs. AN­GEL: That’s ridicu­lous. GOD: Okay, then. Fifty legs! AN­GEL: You’re drunk. GOD: Dude, I’m God.I’ll give it a hun­dred legs if I want, and I’ll make it the creepi­est thing you ever saw.

(Frank Mann, Wash­ing­ton)

Panda: GOD: Make them re­ally so­cially awk­ward. AN­GEL: If they’re that awk­ward, how will they find a mate? GOD: Make them so cute that hu­mans will han­dle their mat­ing for them. (Todd DeLap, Fair­fax)

Gi­raffe: AN­GEL: Why is his head way up there? GOD: I guess we bet­ter give him a long neck. (Ed­mund Conti, Raleigh)

Platy­pus (I): AN­GEL: Okay, looks like we’re about done here. What do you want to do with th­ese ex­tra parts? GOD: What have you got? AN­GEL: A duck’s bill, some flip­pers, a re­jected ot­ter body pro­to­type, mis­shapen beaver tail . . . GOD: I got an idea. Throw all those to­gether and add venomous claws! (Jon Spell, Orem, Utah)

Platy­pus (II): GOD: Hey, I have some leftover parts here. AN­GEL: Shoot, I al­ready took out the trash. GOD: Meh, just throw them to­gether and put it on the weirdo is­land. (Danny Wysong, Crozet, Va., a First Of­fender)

Flamingo: GOD: Make a swan on stilts. And put it in a pink tutu. (Bev­er­ley Sharp, Mont­gomery, Ala.)

Man­tis: GOD: Make a bug that looks like it’s al­ways pray­ing, so that all who look upon it will see how all Cre­ation praises the Cre­ator. AN­GEL: You got it, Boss. GOD: It will be an ex­am­ple for ev­ery­one. AN­GEL: Great idea. GOD: When it mates, the fe­male will tear the male’s head off and eat it. AN­GEL: Rode that one right off the rails, didn’t you? (Molly El­iz­a­beth Haws)

Geo­duck: GOD: Okay, all done with Adam. AN­GEL: Uh, he doesn’t need two of

those. GOD: He doesn’t? I mean, you never know. AN­GEL: They’ll get in the way, and he’ll be com­par­ing them all the time. GOD: So what am I go­ing to do with the other one? AN­GEL: Just give it to me. I’ll put it in­side a big clam, let it hang out . . . (Duncan Stevens)

Chicken: CRE­ATOR: Hu­mans are too lazy — I’ll make some Morn­ing Mo­ti­va­tional Birds for them: The male can wake them up, and then the fe­male can pro­duce break­fast

from her bot­tom. (Jen­nifer Dickey, Sil­ver Spring))

Ot­ter: GOD: Let’s go with a nice, small mam­mal. AN­GEL: Okay . . . GOD: Make it an ex­cel­lent swim­mer. AN­GEL: In­ter­est­ing . . . GOD: And I want it to be re­ally cute and lov­able. Oh, and make it so it gets to en­joy a life with plenty of fun, play­ing and frol­ick­ing in the wa­ter. AN­GEL: Er, God? GOD: Yes? AN­GEL: Would you please turn me into one of th­ese? (Tom Witte, Mont­gomery Vil­lage, Md.)

St­ingray: GOD: So, it’s go­ing to be like a bee. AN­GEL: In the ocean? GOD: Yeah, like a pan­cake fish bee. AN­GEL: That can’t be a thing. GOD (gig­gling): Make its belly silky. (Lau­ren Ed­mond­son, Herndon, Va., a First Of­fender)

Ele­phant: GOD: “Oops, I promised this one I’d give him cool stripes like the ze­bra. Oh well, he’ll never re­mem­ber . . . ” (Hildy Zam­pella, Falls Church)

Three-toed sloth: AN­GEL: What, is there a toe short­age all of a sud­den? GOD: I gave it five, but it was too Me-damned lazy to pick up the last two. (Gary Crock­ett, Chevy Chase)

Sponge: GOD: Okay, who spilled the wine over here? AN­GELS: [si­lence] GOD: Fine, be that way. One of you make some­thing to clean it up! (Mark Raffman, Re­ston, Va.)

Blue whale: GOD: We’ll make them the largest crea­tures on Earth, maybe 300,000 pounds. AN­GEL: Gosh, what an ap­petite they’ll have! Will they eat whole forests or herds of beasts? GOD: Nah, I’m think­ing a diet of mi­cro­scopic fish . . . (Rob Huff­man)

Buf­falo: “Oh for My sake, get those wings off that thing!” (Hildy Zam­pella)

Kim Kar­dashian: GOD (on the busy fac­tory floor): Hey, I like the looks of this one — make sure you add lots of del­i­cacy and re­fine­ment! AN­GEL: Sorry, what’s that? Can’t hear you! GOD (as the back­ground noise gets louder): GIVE HER A LOT OF CLASS! AN­GEL: [pause] A lot of . . . okayyy. (Duncan Stevens)

The head­line “Just-Not-So Sto­ries” is by Gary Crock­ett, the hon­or­able-men­tions sub­head by Kevin Dopart.


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