Four-toon tellers: Winning captions
BY PAT MYERS In Week 1232 the Empress asked you, as she does two or three times a year, to write one or more captions for cartoons by Style Invitational Artist 4 Ever Bob Staake.
Picture D: The office’s production of “Romeo and Juliet” was hampered by a very small budget. (Rob Huffman, Fredericksburg, Va.)
Picture B: “I told you your sister would just die if we announced our engagement!” (Mark Raffman, Reston)
2nd place and the “Free Tommy Chong” T-shirt from 2003:
Picture C: “For our lovely American visitors, tonight’s special is “Pot de Chambre.” (John McCooey, Rehoboth Beach, Del.)
And the winner of the Inkin’ Memorial:
Picture D: “Good grief, Doris! Ailes and O’Reilly are gone, okay? Now get those sweet cheeks down here and pour us some coffee already.” (Jesse Frankovich, Grand Ledge, Mich.)
Droopy draws: Honorable mentions PICTURE A
Sal emphatically “explained” to Officer Pupp that “free press” does NOT refer to the sale price. (Larry McClemons, Annandale) “Don’t blame me, Officer McGregor; I told you it was hardhitting coverage.” (David Ballard, Reston; Bill Lieberman, Ellicott City) “You’re looking for a ‘cop on the beat’ deal? How about a ‘beat on the cop’?” (Brad Alexander, Wanneroo, Australia) “A cop on duty should not be toking a giant blunt!” (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn) Astronomers marveled at the discovery of two very large planets, one shaped like a policeman and the other a newsstand, in the vicinity of Saturn. (Mark Raffman) An example of one of those “Noxious Emissions Widely Spewed” stands that have been popping up since the election. (Bill Lieberman)
And Last: “I don’t care how long you’ve been asleep, Officer van Winkle, here in 2017 the Sunday Washington Post costs $3.50 a pop, and it still runs The Style Invitational.” (John Hutchins, Silver Spring)
“Dang, I shouldn’t have advertised for undertakers on Monster.com.” (James Scarborough, McLean, a First Offender) “My orders are to recover the monolith we placed on your world eons ago, not an Ikea bookcase.” (Jeff Contompasis) “Mom! You know I only eat living bodies . . .” (Rob Huffman) “No way, Helen! It says I get all the coffins right here in our prenup.” (Jesse Frankovich) “Not so fast, Mom. We shouldn’t play Giant Jenga until we’ve read the instructions.” (Jesse Frankovich) “On Jupiter, we require a written contract for the sale of half a Kit Kat bar.” (Mark Raffman) “Whoa, whoa, whoa . . . Where in the script does it say I have a love scene with Carol Channing?” (Bird Waring, Larchmont, N.Y.)
“No, Org ask you bring me BEER!” (Jesse Frankovich)
All that Granny could think about on encountering the lizardlike, one-eyed, spike-tailed undertaker was: Why does he have nipples? (Mark Raffman)
“. . . and the fly is gluten-free.” (Marni Penning Coleman, Falls Church) “Actually, he’s doing the 100centimeter individual medley.” (Jason Russo, Annandale) “Out of respect, you should wait for these two to finish mating.” (Dave Prevar, Annapolis) Gaspard’s strong accent led many diners to reject their complimentary bowls of the chef’s Special Golden Chowder. (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.) “Permit me to stir it with my umbrella.” (Marty McCullen, Gettysburg, Pa.) “I think your first course just ate the second.” (Frank Mann, Washington) “Just close your eyes and imagine they’re noodles.” (Jesse Frankovich) To the diners’ dismay, Google translate confirmed that “soupe avec élan” could mean either “soup with zest” OR “soup with moose.” (Jeff Contompasis)
Fine, Ms. Jenkins, you win. Come down and we’ll allow you to make seventy-EIGHT percent of what we do. (Art Grinath, Takoma Park, Md.; Jason Russo) “Calm down, Marge. When I said ‘foursome,’ I meant golf.” (Warren Tanabe, Annapolis) When the traps baited with $100 bills didn’t work, Mrs. Johnson realized grimly that her kitchen was not infested with ordinary lawyers, but rather with LOBBYISTS. (John Hutchins) Unfortunately, one of the characters on Lizzie’s Loser magnets resembled the CEO of the firm. (Dave Prevar) Still running — deadline is also Monday, July 24: our song parody contest for lyrics about science and technology. See wapo.st/invite1235.