Extra! Extra! More inkworthies.
The Empress is just getting back from vacation, so this week she’s offering some extra honorable mentions from several recent contests. The Losers below who didn’t already get ink in those contests will get Loser magnets when the E catches up with the prizes. They will wait patiently. FROM WEEK 1223, a contest in which entrants wrote misleadingly juicy (though technically true) headlines for real non-juicy articles in this and other papers:
OHIO MAN TO MISS WORK AFTER ATTACKING PENGUIN WITH STICK
NHL’s Columbus Blue Jackets’ Matt Calvert suspended after hitting Pittsburgh player (Kevin Dopart, Washington)
SCHOOL OFFICIALS AIM SHOTS AT CHILDREN, HIT TARGETS
Mandatory vaccination program increases California’s immunization rate (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.)
WILL OUR GALAXY EXPLODE?
Samsung’s newest phones to be released (Drew Bennett, West Plains, Mo.)
TRUMP SENDS SECRETARY TO HOLOCAUST CENTER
Rex Tillerson and family tour museum (Karen Van Buren, Los Altos, Calif., a First Offender)
NSA AGENTS MAKE MICROSOFT EMPLOYEES TAKE LEAKS OUT OF WINDOWS
Agency addressed Windows 10 security flaws (Edward Gordon, Austin)
LOCAL CHILDREN ORDERED TO SEARCH FOR FOOD AMONG DEADLY TOOLS, DANGEROUS CHEMICALS
Hardware store hosts Easter egg hunt (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.)
STUNNING DETAILS OF HANGINGS IN UPSCALE HOTELS EXPOSED
Guests discover super-luxurious bathrobes in closets (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.)
From Week 1224,
in which we presented a list of items and asked you to tell us how any two were the same or different: The difference between an intentional walk and a flight on United Express: One gets a man on base and the other gets a man on face. (Annette Green, Lexington, Va.) A response by Sean Spicer is like the April the giraffe cam: After you’ve waited days and days for something worthwhile, the camera shuts off. (Warren Tanabe, Annapolis) The difference between lunch with Mike Pence and World War III is that women can participate in World War III. (John Hutchins, Silver Spring, Md.)
From Week 1230,
dialogues or monologues portraying a Creator’s thought process while creating various creatures: Creating crabs: GOD: Imagine a cross between a giant scorpion and a spider. ANGEL: This should be good. GOD: It eats garbage but tastes delicious. ANGEL: Look at you! Mr. IRONY! (Frank Mann, Washington) Creating humans: GOD: You what? ANGEL: We already made something in your image. Remember? You called it a paramecium. GOD: Okay, but this next one will be allowed to think it’s My image. (Ken Gallant, Oslo) Creating fireflies: GOD: Remember when I divided light from darkness? ANGEL: Yeah, it was earlier this week. GOD: Makes it kind of hard to read at night. ANGEL: I got this leftover jar you could fill with something. (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.) Creating snails: ANGEL: Hey, what should we do with this leftover garlic butter? GOD: I think I have just the thing . . . (Mark Raffman) Creating birds: Make ’em poop out their babies inside ping-pong balls. (Warren Tanabe, Annapolis) Creating the Boston terrier: GOD: I can’t tell which is the back and which is the front. ANGEL: What if I make it snort a lot? DOG: Pfft. ANGEL: Okay, so snorting won’t help . . . (Warren Tanabe)
From Week 1154,
parodies about animals: My Florida Things
(to “My Favorite Things”) Here in the tropics, we’ve got us some critters Might give the pet lover justified jitters. Pythons with coils and anhingas with wings: These are a few of my Florida things. You’d have good reason to question my sanity If I leashed up a lugubrious manatee. Or a flamingo — they won’t fetch or beg; Just stand around in the pond on one leg. Don’t want a tortoise or an armadillo: They’re not the sort one would use for a pillow. And if I took in some gators or crocs, I’d be a schnook with her head full of rocks. If you wanna friend this fauna, I suppose you can . . . But one critter here can’t be taught, trained, or tamed: The infamous Florida Man! (Nan Reiner, Boca Raton, Fla.) The Cat Song
(to “The Jet Song”) When you’re a cat, you’re the king of the house! Every creature knows that, Every dog, every mouse. When you’re a cat you’re the lord of the realm Every human knows that It’s a cat at the helm. It’s been you all along, the law remains unwritten; They’ve heeded your song since you were just a kitten. Bizarrely smitten! When you’re a cat and you enter a room They all know where it’s at, they all know who owns whom They all KNOW WHO KNOWS WHOM. (Kel Nagel, Salisbury, Md.)
From Week 1219,
faux-medieval “lik the bred” poems: My name, Ivanka. Mark this thynge: I aim to make My Daddy Kynge. I knoweth well He be a clowne. I knock him off. I seize the crowne. (Nan Reiner) I’m Kim Jong Un. I have no qualms At offing uncles, Testing bombs, Yet now it really Chafes my butt, Folks look at Trump; They fear that nut. (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.) Still running — deadline Monday night, Aug. 1: our contest for alliterative headlines. See wapo.st/invite1237.
Don’t call them tentacles. They’re arms. Okay, these would be fingers.