Hus­band’s mul­ti­ple af­fairs leave wife in legal limbo

The Washington Times Daily - - LIFE - ABI­GAIL VAN BUREN

DEAR ABBY: My hus­band of five years has con­fessed to af­fairs that re­sulted in two chil­dren. I sus­pected that some­thing was up when af­ter a year of mar­riage he seemed dis­tant. De­spite our al­most 15-year age dif­fer­ence, I never in a mil­lion years thought he would do some­thing like this.

A few months ago, he started dis­ap­pear­ing again. At first it was a day here and a day there, but then it be­came weeks. I fi­nally con­fronted him, and he con­fessed about the af­fairs. He claims the mother of the new­born is a pros­ti­tute and that it was a “mistake.” He wants to be in­volved in the 3-year-old lit­tle girl’s life, but not the new­born’s. At that point I told him he needed to leave and re­move his be­long­ings from the house.

My friends say that le­gally I can’t put him out of a house he owned be­fore we were mar­ried. How­ever, he did buy a home dur­ing our mar­riage. (I found that out ac­ci­den­tally.) It’s where the 3-year-old lives.

I feel I am en­ti­tled to some­thing. I asked him to have the older child’s mother move, but he re­fused. Where does that leave me? With noth­ing? I don’t know what to do. I don’t have money for a lawyer and have nowhere to go. Please ad­vise. — WHAT A MESS IN PHILADEL­PHIA

DEAR WHAT A MESS: Your friends mean well, but you need a more in­formed source of in­for­ma­tion than they can offer. Be­cause di­vorce laws vary from state to state, go on­line to wom­enslaw.org and search for “di­vorce in Penn­syl­va­nia.” You will find ba­sic in­for­ma­tion about di­vorce laws in your state, which I think you will find both in­ter­est­ing and re­ward­ing.

DEAR ABBY: I’m a woman, twice mar­ried. My first mar­riage was to a woman who hurt me deeply by ly­ing and cheat­ing. I am now mar­ried to a man who, even with his faults, is a won­der­ful hus­band.

My thing is, I am still strongly at­tracted to women. I con­sider my­self to be bi­sex­ual. When my hus­band no­tices that I look at women, I’m hon­est and tell him what I ad­mire about a par­tic­u­lar woman. What I leave out is that I’m turned on by them. He is not open to my ac­tively be­ing bi­sex­ual, not even a three­some.

Is it all right for me to fan­ta­size when I’m in­ti­mate with him that he’s a woman? I know some peo­ple fan­ta­size about be­ing with a celebrity or a more at­trac­tive mate, but is it all right to fan­ta­size about some­one of a dif­fer­ent gen­der? — FANTASIZING IN NEW YORK

DEAR FANTASIZING: Your bi­sex­u­al­ity is part of who you are. You should make clear to your hus­band that there is noth­ing “wrong” with be­ing bi­sex­ual, and peo­ple who are can be and are monog­a­mous. A com­mit­ment is a com­mit­ment, and you are stick­ing to yours.

Sex­ual fan­tasies are nor­mal. And you’re right that many peo­ple be­sides your­self fan­ta­size about others (of both sexes) dur­ing sex. Be­cause you don’t act on your fan­tasies, re­lax and en­joy them, and stop flog­ging your­self.

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