Wife pun­ished for in­fi­delity must in­sist on coun­sel­ing


DEAR ABBY: I have been with my hus­band for 12 years, mar­ried for three. I had an af­fair a lit­tle over a year ago that he found out about. He has let me back into the house, but he de­means my char­ac­ter at ev­ery op­por­tu­nity. I don’t fight back be­cause I know I am the cause of his pain.

We have a 3-year-old daugh­ter, and I am now six weeks preg­nant with his child. I do not want to ar­gue with him, be­cause if I had been a bet­ter wife, he would not be so an­gry. But the hurt I feel from his words over the past months is weigh­ing heavy on me, es­pe­cially with my new hor­mones. I’m hold­ing it in, but should I leave? Be­come a sin­gle mother? How can I get him to a coun­selor? — NEEDS COUN­SEL­ING

DEAR NEEDS: I do not mean to min­i­mize your in­fi­delity, but you had bet­ter take a stand and give your hus­band an ul­ti­ma­tum: Heal the mar­riage through mar­riage coun­sel­ing, or you leave. Be pre­pared to fol­low through, be­cause with­out pro­fes­sional in­ter­ven­tion noth­ing will change. The sit­u­a­tion you de­scribe is un­healthy not only for you and your un­born child, but also for your lit­tle girl. Your daugh­ter should not be raised to think that this toxic en­vi­ron­ment is nor­mal.

DEAR ABBY: I’m a les­bian and have been in a re­la­tion­ship with a woman for two months now. She never of­fers to pay for our dates, and she hasn’t planned or ex­e­cuted one, ei­ther. We’re both very fem­i­nine, although she would be con­sid­ered slightly more so than I am. I feel this is im­por­tant be­cause I’m some­how the more dom­i­nant one. How can I ad­dress this con­cern with­out hurt­ing her? I would like her to re­cip­ro­cate some­what. — DOM­I­NANT IN CAL­I­FOR­NIA

DEAR DOM­I­NANT: Ad­dress the im­bal­ance in your re­la­tion­ship by be­ing straight­for­ward about it. Good man­ners dic­tate that when some­one has been asked out, treated, etc., that per­son should re­cip­ro­cate. Be­cause that’s not hap­pen­ing, you need to dis­cuss it with her. To do so isn’t hurt­ful; it’s com­mon sense, be­cause un­less you do, this pat­tern will con­tinue.

DEAR ABBY: I have been with the same man for six months. He has been sep­a­rated from his wife for 10 years — but not legally. When he fi­nally de­cided to tell her there is some­one else and he’s mov­ing on, she went crazy. She said she wants alimony and half of ev­ery­thing, plus the house will have to be sold be­cause she will not al­low “the new woman” to live in “her” house.

It’s been a month since he told her. We talked to a lawyer about a di­vorce, but all he is wor­ried about is pay­ing alimony and los­ing the house. I am get­ting sick of hear­ing about it. All he keeps say­ing is, “I love you, but I don’t want to lose my house or pay her money.” What should I do? — FIGHT OR FLIGHT IN MAS­SACHUSETTS

DEAR FIGHT OR FLIGHT: Your boyfriend ap­pears to be un­will­ing to pay the price for a di­vorce. So what you should do is flee. The longer you stick around, the deeper you will be­come en­meshed in his drama, and the more com­pli­cated it will be­come.

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